Idiots of India

“Tis the season for touring India. And with it you’ll find several people who truly represent our rich and diverse culture – the Idiots of India. Here are a few:

1.     The Staring Idiots – Pretty girls beware. There will be men and women who will stare at you and they won’t do it slyly from the corner of their eye. It will be a full blown, jaw open, wide eyed stare as if they’re seeing a wonder of the world for the first time. It will make you feel uncomfortable at first but you can react two ways – ignore them and move away, or stare back and wave them away with your hand.

2.     The Driving Idiots – Driving in India has nothing to do with how well you can drive or even if you have a drivers’ license. It’s all about how big your car is or how big your ego is. Even a tempo driver can come from the wrong side of the road and try to overtake three trucks and a fleet of cars because he believes he can do it! Small bikes will cut in to the other side of the road because they know they can squeeze in anywhere and get away. It will cause traffic jams but the idiots don’t care, they’ve got away!

3.     The Buffet Idiots – A gaggle of people have come to a hotel together and they believe they own it. They’ve spent money on the cheapest rooms and they want the best service and a right to the buffet first! Forget the queue or lines. Forget speaking in softer voices because it might disturb others and it’s the polite way to be in public places. The idiots demand attention and the buffet now!

4.     The Flying Idiots – These idiots will push and shove to get into the line to board a plane even though in India the seats are assigned and the flight attendant is starting boarding from the back five rows! They’ll speak loudly in the plane mostly about themselves and demand the airhostesses give them free things. They’ll also get up as soon as the plane lands to get their overhead luggage even though the plane is still cruising. They’ll push you to get into a bus and shove you to get to the baggage claim first. And the idiots will probably actually be the last to leave the airport!

5.     The Official Idiot – Ever noticed how there are several people at large department stores to help you pick out things you don’t need in your life? And when you’ve decided to finally buy something and end up at the cashier there’s only one window open for billing and that person seems to be a trainee who doesn’t know how to bill anything. And when after two hours of waiting in line to pay for one shirt, your turn comes and the register conks off and the manager needs to be called? Yup, you’re the official idiot for even getting into that sale, for thinking you should travel, for even driving a car during this season!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year my fellow idiots J  

Also written for CNN-IBN blog - Chastity Belt.

http://www.ibnlive.com/blogs/buzz/madhuri-banerjee/5-kinds-of-idiots-you-could-easily-find-in-india-14274-1181827.html

Bengali Matrimony: A misplaced email leads to a conversation on marriage!

Today I received my first mail from a matrimonial site. And not just any matrimonial site, the Bengali Matrimony dot com. I almost died of shock. I thought it was a prank my parents were playing on me. But when I asked them they firmly denied it.

It came from a woman who had mistaken me for someone else. So I decided to write back to the lady and let her know that the email had been sent to the wrong address because otherwise she would have felt that the Madhuri Banerjee she had written to had rejected her proposal. And I could never let my namesake get such a reputation!

Suddenly I found myself trying to explain what marriage was for me. It was a lovely experience discussing this with an elderly lady and a complete stranger. I’m sure the letters haven’t stopped with this exchange. I’m sure there is a bond that we are forming and I’m soon going to be travelling to attend a wedding! ;)

Here are the exchange of letters: (Names have been changed to protect the identity of the people involved)

Dear Mrs Banerjee,

By way of introduction, I am G. Chatterjee. A few days earlier, my sister had spoken to you from Kanpur with regards to marriage alliance for your daughter Kaveri and my son Projol.

 

Unfortunately, I am have not been well, and have not been able to connect with you. My sons is currently in Sydney Australia and would be coming to India during Durga Pujo. He is working as a Project Manager with ABCD.

My sons profile id is Bxxxx on Bengali Matrimony. Please do have a look and let me know if you would like to take this forward. If you could also share your contact number.

Regards

Smt G. Chatterjee

My reply:

Dear Ms. Chatterjee,

Pronam!
I hope you are feeling better now. Health is wealth and you must not worry and ruin it.

This mail has been confused with someone else. Your sister has not spoken to me and my daughter is not the person who she or you have in mind for your son. Please recheck the email Id and send the mail again.

However, on a separate note - Your son sounds quite the catch! Which girl wouldn't want to move to Sydney? After all it has The Sydney Opera House! What more could anyone want?!

Please do not worry if your son takes time to settle down. I'm sure he will find the perfect match and have lovely children one day. In the meantime, do know that marriage is perceived differently for youngsters. It is highly overrated. Pray that he finds love, happiness, success, and peace in his life rather than just a wife. Who might actually take away the other things!

Aapni bhalo theko.

All the best.
Regards,
The Wrong Madhuri.

Her reply back:

Dear Madhuri,

Thank you for your lovely email. My apologies, it seems the new age technology and emails are indeed going to take some time for me to figure out.I am sure I might have got the email id wrong.

It was wonderful reading your email and you have rightly mentioned about how important it is to get the right girl for my son. I am having an interesting journey these days, as times have changed. Gone are the days when we were married and all it mattered was if the boy was well mannered, cultured and settled.

Unfortunately, it does seem times have changed and now girls and their families have a much more complex and stringent checklist for a boys family. Mix it with the modernization transition which our society is going through, it some times leaves me gaping at the kind of things sometimes I do come across. I have stayed in Australia, and trust me sometimes, I find things are simpler and better there than in India.

Anyways, thanks for your well wishes and hopefully we find a girl who brings happiness to our family and above all leads a peaceful and happy life with the family. 

Until next time

Regards
G Chatterjee

My reply:

Dear Maam,

Please do not worry. There are far more important things you should be doing than worrying about your son!

Revel in the journey you are in right now. The time won't come again. And you deserve time for yourself as well.

I'm surprised how we gauge each other in matters of love and relationships. Ultimately the man should just be well mannered, cultured and settled but even these three words have such deep connotations. Nowadays everyone wants someone who understands them, can communicate with them, support them, make them laugh and respect them. Their work is as important as the marriage. Individuality is placed higher than companionship. Sacrifice is underestimated. And compromise non negotiable.

Please also know that marriage as an institution seems to be fading away. A simple piece of paper that keeps two people together even if they are unhappy.

I hope you find a girl who realises the value of your son. And I hope your son puts her on a pedestal always. It's the only way a marriage will be about love and not about the piece of paper. Then it won't matter if she's Indian, Bengali, Brahmin, Dark, Fair, Short, fat, tall, loud, or otherwise. the couple will have found the one thing that will always keep them together and you will never need to worry about your son again.

 Yes, you're right. It is simpler abroad than here in India. Doesn't make us less Indian if we imbibe the traditions of something simpler if they are not from our land.

Take care.

Regards,
Madhuri

Love in The Digital Age: The Dos & Breakups

You would think that with all the technology available, it would be easier to find love in the digital age. It’s not. Here are a few tips to get it right.

3 Facebook Rules –

·       Do Not Friend Him First! If you’ve identified someone you like who is a friend of a friend, first ask your friend to mention you offline. Let him send you a friend request. Moreover, even after that, you need to wait for about 24 hours before you accept. Let him know you’re “considering” it.

·       Tagging, Commenting, Liking –If you comment, like or write on his wall every day, he’ll lose interest and run away. Why? Because he will think you’re a stalker who could be more dangerous in the real world than the virtual one. Tagging him in all your photos saying “wish you were here” is screaming hopeless. Comment on birthdays or promotions with a simple Happy Birthday or Congrats. Adding extra exclamations, smileys and “When do we celebrate” makes you look desperate.

·       Statuses - Be careful of adding single, complicated or in a relationship if he hasn’t put it up. Let him take the initiative. Otherwise, you will have to change it soon enough and save face.

Break up Rule: Un-friend him before he un-friends you. Let him know who’s boss! Besides, you don’t want to see him with new women. It’ll only hurt later.

3 Texting Rules –

·       Short and Sweet – If he asks “Wat’s up” you honestly don’t have to give an entire history of your day starting with your maid hasn’t turned up or your mom screamed at you. The rule of thumb is to answer in as many words as he does, or less. The appropriate answer here would be, “Chilling.”

·       TTYL – Always end a conversation first. Be so super busy that those precious moments you gave to him should be a privilege. Always be late for something. Have a spin class in a few minutes, or be attending to some urgent work. After you say the Talk To You Later, don’t specify when. Soon is a good enough answer to make him want to talk to you again.

·       Landline Theory – If you had a landline and were working you would probably chat with the person once if you were in office and once when you finally got home and had finished relaxing. Now since we carry our phones everywhere, people expect to receive answers immediately. Don’t seem eager. A 10 am text means you can wait till 1 to say, “Hey. On a lunch break so cd reply.” Time makes the heart grow fonder!

Break up Rule: Don’t send him angry long explanations about how much you gave in the relationship while he did nothing. It’ll only add to your bill. He’ll probably delete it after reading the first 3 words!

3 Twitter Rules

·       To Follow or Not to Follow – Cute guy. Interesting bio. Seems to follow a few people you know. Still, you need him to follow you first. Make sure that you tweet the correct things to get his attention. You know the common people who he follows will Retweet those things. Make sure he notices. Once he does, give it a few days before you follow him back.

·       DMing – So you’ve started a chat. Now he wants your phone number and email id. Take it slow. Get to know him better. You can learn a lot about a man by his daily tweets. Ask him questions about his tweets to know him better. Wait a few months and then give your number.

·       All the World’s A Stage – Unless you want everyone to know personal details about your life, keep your fights on Watsapp. Making sarcy comments on each other’s timelines means all those who follow both of you are privy to this little drama. Doesn’t show either of you in a good light.

Break up Rule – Un-follow and do not comment about your relationship. It’s nobody’s business to ask you on your timeline. You are not obligated to answer them. Be classy while being digital!

How to be a celebrity…for cheap.

Today I was at a coffee shop and I saw at least 4 people entering at different times, all looking like celebrities, but weren’t. So I figured that it doesn’t take much to be a celebrity nowadays. All you need to do is follow the pointers and even you can become one. Ok, not as big as SRK or Pa. But someone cool enough for laymen like me to turn around at a coffee shop and notice you. Here goes...

1.       Always wear sunglasses. Even at night. Even if you’re indoor. If this is too hard, at least wear one on top of your head. Always.

2.       Practice your walk. Shoulders back, stomach in, one foot ahead of another in a line. You may trip and fall at home while doing this, but NEVER trip in public.

3.       Try and be slim. The thinner you are, the more fame you’ll get. Remember Kareena in Yaadein? No. Exactly. Now remember her in Tashan? Aahhh! You get my drift.

4.       Never eat in public. Even if you’re invited to the most exotic parties with food flown in from Milan and Paris together, do not eat it. It will look as if you’ve never eaten before. If however you are caught eating, wave your hand and say, “I’ve had better stuff at the Rue de Rivoli in Milan last month.”

5.       Read. Really. Not fat books if you can’t do that sort of thing, but a few internet sites that might be good in cocktail conversation. Like stuff on art if you’re breaking into a gala. Or stuff about the directors and producers’ works if you’re breaking into a Bollywood party. The news might also help but don’t be too involved with politics, sports or international debates. They may make you sound too intelligent and hence will give away the fact you’re not a celebrity.

6.       When you don’t know what to say, smile and look pretty. And nod your head a lot.

7.       Every 10 seconds look at your blackberry or an iphone. You do have one of course. Right? Right?

8.       Never get into an argument. If things are heating up, suddenly become vacant and walk away as if you are going to greet a guest at the door.

9.       Leave your hair open for girls and gelled for boys. Do not be caught with ponytails unless it’s been done professionally.

10.   Get an enormously expensive bag that you can carry all over the place. Hire it online instead of buying it. It’s way cheaper and makes the same impact. Please don’t buy a fake from Bangkok. The real celebrities can spot a fake and then you’re in trouble.

11.   Don’t be too happy or too sad. Be ambivalent about any relationship. Never commit that you’re in one.

12.   Have a lackey. Sorry agent. Sorry manager. Sorry, whatever they call it these days. It makes you look good for you to order someone around and then be nice to them in front of someone else.

13.   Have the lackey give out your card. Oh, get a few cards with your alternate mobile number so your lackey can pick it up if the offers do come pouring in.

14.   Research exotic places online in thorough detail Talk about your vacations to these places so you sound as if you’re a world traveler and not someone who take the Virar fast home every night.

15.   Wear black. Always. It never goes out of fashion. And match your sunglasses with it. You’re still wearing your sunglasses aren’t you? Aren’t you?????

16.   Don’t worry too much about an expensive car. You can hire one if you think someone will see you get in and out of it. But otherwise not too many people at parties, events and meetings notice you getting out of a car.

17.   Be seen everywhere. Do not be shy. Be bold. Go to all the functions you read about in the papers. The more you’re seen, the more people will remember you and recommend you to someone for something. Which then you can turn down.

18.   Be hygienic. Have a shower, with soap, twice a day. Brush your teeth. Wear deodorant. But not an overpowering perfume. It scares off everyone. Wear freshly washed and ironed clothes. Oh they have to be ironed. All this nonsense of crushed linen never works. Think Italian Armani and not bedroom khadi.

19.   And lastly, smile. But not before you have got your teeth whitened. Skip the pricey dentist’s chair and just buy a few whitening strips to use everyday. It’ll do the same trick.

20.   Did I mention the sunglasses? Ya. Put them on.

And now that you know the tips to be a celebrity, go be one now!

Also printed in the July 2011 issue of MARIE CLAIRE magazine.

TOP (ABSURD) EXCUSES TO BREAK UP:

In a fast track world, it is easy to be in and out of relationships. However, the excuses for breaking up are getting old. It is no longer “I need space,” or “It’s not you, it’s me” that are doled out anymore. The excuses need to be creative, modern, and semi believable! The top ways of breaking up are:

1.       The Astrologer Told Me –In ancient times, parents checked horoscopes of the couple to see if they matched. If the `kundalis’ didn’t match, it could be ominous. In modern day scenario, men have learnt to use this to their advantage. Instead of waiting for the last minute to get their astrological charts checked, they claim to their girlfriends they have already got it checked! This they will announce after a few dates once they’ve realized that this girl is not working for them. The woman has no choice therefore. No woman would want to go through a relationship where if something went wrong, he would blame her by saying,”See, I told you! My horoscope said I need space!”

2.       You Saw The Movie Without Me –Most couples love watching films together. It is a date that they enjoy while believing it is time well spent towards building a future. When there is a particular movie that is eagerly awaited for a long period, it is understood that the couple will go together. The plan has been made weeks in advance. At the time of release, a sudden incident in the life of a partner has left the plans in the lurch. One partner is at home. He is busy with work and will not be able to watch the film with you for another week or ten days. Your best friend buys an extra ticket. So you think, “I can see this film again when he’s free!” Wrong! The partner now has a fabulous excuse to break up with you. You have broken the pact! It was sacrosanct that you watch this film with him. He is hurt and angry. It was like a test God gave for your relationship in which you failed. The man now has the right to say, “We need to break up because you saw the movie without me!”

3.       I’m Travelling – No one knows where this person is going or when he is coming. He seems to be “travelling” all the time. From day trips to Delhi to longer stays in Bangalore. Urgent meetings in Hyderabad to pacifying clients over weekends in Pune, the man is travelling. And when one’s boyfriend is travelling, the phone is off, the messages aren’t delivered, and there is a high chance that you will be hearing a prerecorded woman who becomes your best friend. It is the new way of saying “I need space.” The space needs to be the air 30,000 feet above the ground. Men are using this excuse perpetually but saying with their sweetest tone, “Baby, I would love to meet, but I’m not in town!”

4.       I Have To Focus On My Career – Now this has been tried and tested and can never get old. The career trick in the book lets the man be in office until late, go out with clients, and even unwind with the boys because his job is getting stressful. Whether he is up for promotion or needs to prove himself, the man will use his career to avoid the woman in his life like the plague. This is a double-edged sword since the woman wants to support his career but would like more time with him. So instead of breaking up with her since it is too `delicate’ a matter to be done so bluntly, he leaves her with a choice. His parting words, “I really need to figure out where my career is going and I won’t have time for us. I’m just letting you know now!”

5.       It’s in my Genes– Commitment phobia is not new to women. However, men have started using it differently. With parents who may or may not have separated, the man claims that he’s seen his parents fight and believes that it’s in his blood to do so as well. While most women are not daunted by this idea, it does leave a bit of a dent if after some time the man starts repeating it. He also starts speaking about how his idols are Hugh Grant and George Clooney. The act continues right up to the point when he walks out one night and does not call for a few days. When he does return, he says, “Darling, I didn’t mean to, but you see… it’s in my genes!”

Monday is Girlfriend Day!

Mondays is GIRLFRIEND day.

This has been proven beyond reasonable doubt.  

There are two kinds of men who are having an affair. The married type and the single ones.

The Married Man:

For the married type, the weekend is sacrosanct. They need to spend time with their family, their kids, and their parents. They attend to all the chores that the wife has given them; their society wants them to do and be good men for the sake of keeping their homes intact. By Monday they have spent 48 hours with their family and feel they truly need a break.

Mondays are rarely `client meeting days’ in the evening. Almost no client wants to go out “drinking” and talk about the future after a hard day at work. Nevertheless, all men need some fun. They do not really want to go back home and talk about household chores. That is when they turn to their girlfriends.

A married man has a very patient girlfriend.  She understands that this man has “issues” to sort out and needs time to figure out his home affairs before he can begin his personal affairs with her. She believes if she gives him space, he will love her more, and eventually they will have a home together. And Mondays are her days. She gets to choose where she wants to go, what she wants to eat, and she has her undivided attention for a few hours until he goes home. It couldn’t be a better arrangement for all even if the Gods had conspired with it.

Most restaurants with cozy little booths are packed to capacity on Mondays. The drive out towards the suburbs see even more couples seeking dimly lit, romantic restaurants that they will not be noticed in. And the more popular ones get packed since the girlfriend, patient as she might be also knows how to play her cards right when it comes to being pampered. She will eventually have her home with him one day, but till then, he will pay for her dry martini and smoke salmon with caviar in the most exclusive bistros.

Yes Mondays is when the excuse book comes out; Client meetings, travelling for work, new project, bad mood of the boss, late edits, computers crashing, doctor’s appointments and of course the classic traffic excuse. They will all hold good. No one in this three-way situation is oblivious to the truth but no one cares enough to confront it immediately. And the excuses, the delays, and the Mondays continue.

The Single Man:

A single man is defined as one that has a girlfriend but has not given her a commitment yet. He is the smartest of all creatures. He needs no excuse to live life on his terms and yet he has women eating from the palm of his hands.

For him Mondays are about reconnecting with the girlfriend. He is not desperate to meet her. He probably only wants to keep her happy by proving he is there to “listen” to her instead of just “pleasuring” her. He has probably taken her out on a Friday night and had a lovely time where she needs the entire Saturday to recover.

The single man needs space. He needs LOTS of space. He needs it because it makes him feel he is the king of his own world and no one can rule him. Hence, the entire weekend needs to be his. He needs to sit around and do nothing. He needs to be able to watch TV without having a bath, eat chicken at all times of the day, drink endless bottles of beer, and watch cricket as if the team’s win depends on him not moving from that chair.

Yes, the single man’s weekend is pathetic to a woman. If he gives a commitment, she will probably make plans for him to go grocery shopping, have a nice brunch, or even take a stroll down a park. But the single man does not want to do any of these things on the weekend. In fact, he would be most happy to sit in one place and try to open the front door with the sheer power of his mind.

By Monday, since he has already bathed, shaved, and worn presentable clothes to work, the single man presumes all that effort need not go to waste. He might as well make a good impression on his current girlfriend. Newton’s Law of Motion proves that if he is going to be up anyway, he should move towards the object of desire.

Mondays with girlfriends are not about amorous intimacy unlike with a married man who is craving physical contact. More often than not, a single man will use Mondays to demonstrate to the woman that he is a loving, gentle, intelligent creature who is witty, charming, and funny. All the things that the woman will go gaga over and then fall into bed with him on Friday. He establishes himself as a debonair and the woman has the whole week to remember this fabulous date on Monday.

There may be other men out there who are completely different from the two species I have described. I am sure most women know them too.

5 Women Every Man Wants...But Should Never Have!

 A fun blog post to make us laugh. :)

 1.       The Celebrity – Whether it is an Angelina Jolie or a Katrina Kaif, every man wants to be with a hot, desirable celeb. If she has done an `item number’, even better. If she is unattainable and mysterious, it drives him wild. The ability of the celeb to be multi talented gives it an even greater edge. Not only is she hot, but she is powerful. Some men even have the `celebrity worship syndrome’ where they feel they need to “protect” the celeb from vicious talks about her. Men have a vivid imagination when it comes to celebs. They can immediately put themselves in the shoes of the man right alongside the celeb. They think that they are Brad Pitt in the bedroom, the Akshay Kumar in the rain song, or even a Transformer attacking Megan Fox in a movie. They can visualize her in front of them and better yet, if there is an mms scandal, they will download it and visualize themselves filming it. The celeb however loses her edge when she gets pregnant. This undesirable factor remains until she can be a yummy mummy again.

2.       The Colleague – At some stage there has been some colleague that a man has eyed. She might be his junior from the same department, or someone who works closely, or even his boss. This woman might have given him what he feels is a “vibe” at some point of time. This is enough to set the ball rolling. Even though there is a high level of danger attached to it, the “hunt” is what makes this woman most desirable. Here is an opportunity to prove that he is intelligent, charming, witty, rich, and powerful. If she is popular, it becomes even more of a challenge and fixture in a man’s mind. This fling however has a very high degree of becoming sour and the workplace becoming a battlefield.

3.       The College Queen – He was a nerd in school. His aim was to become an IAS officer or a doctor, professions that required dedication, and no time for socializing with the opposite sex. Moreover, the most admired woman on campus was someone he would never get. This woman was wooed by the `cool’ boys or the rich ones who had their father’s cars. She would never sit in a bus with a man who had taken Physics as a major. This woman has always been the regret of the man’s life. If he finds her, and even if she is married, he will yearn to be with her, even for a day. She is the one who got away from his wily charms. She is the one who never got to know what a good human being he was. Hence the need to be able to tell her finally. This desire however dies down if she has put on weight and is no longer the same vision she was, twenty years ago!

4.       The Waitress – Somewhere, sometime, in some travel of a man, there has come across a dainty, pretty, - little thing with hair that smells like honey and skin that is soft and supple. Her lips are rosy and her smile inviting. She has probably asked him something that the wife in all her years has never inquired, “What can I get for you today?” The simplicity of that sentence, the warmth of her hands, and the sweetness in her voice is just about enough to drive a man mad. It is probable that he might be in an inebriated state of affairs and unable to distinguish whether she is single or not. It is also probable that she could be much younger and in a coffee shop. The waitress is someone who does not need to be chased, `understood’, or loved. She is wanted. This relationship, however easy it may seem leads to complications since this woman might know many thugs who go to the gym regularly and are not afraid of proving their strength against the man.

5.       The Ex – This woman is someone the man knows very well. He has been with her for many months/years and is comfortable with her. Suddenly, she has moved on. She has found a new boyfriend and she has changed the way she looks. From being a dowdy, nagging girlfriend, she has become the super sexy yet unattainable lady. And now he wants her back. However, the man doesn’t want her back forever. He just wants her back for a time being so she realizes how much she needs him. The bond that never severs needs to cut somewhere since the next time the man decides to break up with her, he might find himself in a paternity suit.

5 Ways To Ease Stress

5 WAYS TO EASE STRESS:

With high power jobs, demanding relationships and manic traffic, it is proven that high blood pressure, cholesterol, and anxiety attacks are common phenomenon amongst men in their 30s. Adding to this, bad eating habits, a lack of support and frustrated ambitions cause even the best man to succumb to health issues.

To combat this men need a different way of easing their life a little bit.

1.       Daily Exercise: Yes, you’ve heard it before. You even had that gym membership that you went to four times in the entire year, you hired a personal trainer and you even tried yoga with your wife but the daily exercise is something you just can’t do. It is boring and with all that work, you feel you need to finish off through the day; you would rather sleep an extra hour than exercise. But what if exercising was fun? List 5 things you love to do and would do every day. Then go ahead and try one for each of the week of the month. Join tennis classes for a week so you will not get bored with it. Play on your Nintendo Wii but make sure it’s not a sitting car game but rather a high-powered basketball lone that makes you jump, and run on the spot. Do it for a week. Change the 5 things you want to do every month until you get to a point where you don’t need to change it. You will automatically wake up and do it for 45 minutes 6 times a week. Yes You get Sunday off.

2.       Healthy Eating: Yes, your wife/girlfriend has noticed that paunch on you and you don’t really care. She does not know the pressures of the workplace and what it means to do what you need to do at your position. Therefore she should let you be if you indulge a little and feel you “deserve” to `at least’ eat what you want and when you want, Green leafy vegetables seem to be a curse even thought eating copious amounts of it will give you back your health. Food should be about flavor and fun. Here is what you need to do. Write down the 3 meals you must have this week. It can be a drinking session with the guys that allows you to have snacks with your drinks (it cannot be dinner post as well). There can also be a client lunch that you need to go to and can have tandoori chicken until there are no more chickens left. Alternatively, it can be a friends’ birthday party where there will be cake that you need because you have a sugar craving. You need to plan it. It takes only 2 minutes of your time. For the rest of the meals, you need to watch what you eat. Drink a glass or orange juice a day instead of the fatty cold coffee if you are meeting people in coffee shops. Have a breakfast of oatmeal or whole grain sandwich or egg whites every morning. Avoid red meat and sugar unless you have planned it for a meal. Be vigilant about what you eat. You deserve to live long. Not just eat well.

3.       Read: Switch off the TV and read a fiction novel that you have been putting off for so long. Tell the wife/ girlfriend to leave you for a few hours over the weekend and instead of spending it on watching reruns and films that can be avoided, read a book. Do not read something that is meant for your job or for a course you are taking or a magazine that finishes in 20 minutes. Read a book that you picked up or was presented to you as a good read. Absorbing your mind in something that is more than a home or office gives your mind something more to think about. It helps to lower your heart rate and increases the progesterone level that makes you a calmer man.

4.       Sing: There are two ways of benefitting from singing. One you can call all your friends over for a karaoke night where you get to enjoy other people’s company. Secondly, singing is proved to ease stress. It does not matter if you sing badly. If you don’t want to sing in front of friends, sing for the kids, sing for the pets, sing to woo your beloved, sing in you shower every morning. You get the idea. Sing your favourite songs or the new ones you have heard on the radio. Sing 5 in a row. And laugh at yourself when you don’t remember the lyrics or go off key. Because you can be happy, your profession is not as a Singer!

5.       Sex: Either with or without a partner. An orgasm releases beta-endorphins, which are like a shot of relief in a syringe. Moreover, it is loads of fun! Needs no further explanation. Have fun.

Can also be read at:

http://ibnlive.in.com/blogs/author/2956/madhuribanerjee.html

10 STEPS TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY : For men ;)

It’s time. You know it. You’ve waited long enough. The grown beard and the manly chest fur only proves that you’ve become a man. You’ve matured. You’ve seen `it’ happening on your dvds. You feel you’re ready.

It’s time that you finally lose your virginity. But you just don’t know how. The internet doesn’t help and neither do your friends who are making fun of you. You need a simple guide to help you with this basic but complicated act. Here are the ten steps that will lead to you having a great time.

10. The Girl – you have to have a girl to have sex. It is basic I know but it’s still a fact. Now sit quietly and give up on the notions of what you want. If she’s tall, intelligent, makes good chapattis and looks after your mother, chance are she’s not going to sleep with you in your current state. Also, no one intelligent, drop dead gorgeous and sober is going to give you a look either. So change your standards. Look for anyone. You will not find girls at bars. It’s a myth. Girls who come to the bars to hang out with other girls are there to have fun and checkout the men. They need not necessarily be wanton sex goddesses. The best way to get that girl is that friend who you never had any sexual feeling towards. Yup, that’s the one. She’s adored you for many years and tolerated your stupidity. It’s highly likely she doesn’t find you repulsive enough to throw a glass on you if you pop the question. Target. Found.

9.  The Preparation: Honestly, if you haven’t been laid yet, you need to do a little bit of preparation on yourself. You need to either get thin or get bulky. Preferably both. No woman is attracted to a fat man. Oh, come on, if it was vice versa, would you be? A little bulge is ok. No one expects you to be Hrithik Roshan. But unless you’re tremendously rich or powerful, you have to get rid of that paunch that will hamper the act. And women know. Hit the gym. Go for a jog. And stay off those aloo parathas your mom is making for you in the morning otherwise she will be the only woman in your life for a long time. Use a good deodorant and smell good. Don’t bathe in the deo, splash it lightly. Check for bad breath, oral hygiene is essential. It invariably begins with a kiss.   

8. The Conversation: This is something that not many men think about but is crucial to the act. While you may think that, “what conversation?” here is where you can go horribly wrong. One wrong word, and her “mood” is off and you’ve lost the opportunity. Conversation needs to be correct, before, during and after. It is vital that you get her in the proper state of mind, continue until you’ve had a good time, and then sustain it so you can have round two. And the only way you can do that is to Read, Read, Read. Read poems, read sonnets, read a few books on topics she would be interested in. And then you’re finally ready to approach her, in the way you never did before. You have to praise her just enough so she is interested in what more you have to say about her. Women are suckers for flattery. Once you quote Shakespeare, or remind her that the color of her dress goes beautifully with her eyes, she might want to have a little more to do with you. DO NOT compare her to your mother. It kills it. You must continue the praise in bed, continuously giving her encouragement instead of correcting and afterwards letting her know that she makes your life complete. She knows it’s corny, but she still loves to hear it.

7. The Ignore: This is the most difficult bit. You’ve buffed up your body, you’ve read the books, and you’re ready. But there is a little change in the plan. You have to now ignore her. But this has to be done very surely. You have to know she is interested in you. If she calls you instead of you calling her, or she has taken an interest in you instead of you following her around, you know she’s hooked. But then you have to, just for a little bit, become indifferent. Suddenly you have a project that doesn’t take you away from work for a few days, you don’t return her call for a few hours, you send vague smses, and you don’t have time for her. Now you can’t be rude. At no point should you ever snap, be angry or be blunt. You need to be apologetic for your time being taken away from her but you “just can’t help it.” You should not do this for too long as she will get bored and find someone else. It needs to be for just a week or so once you know she is hooked and waiting. The trap is set.

6. The Present: Oh yes, there needs to be a present. It has to show you’ve apologized for your bad behavior of not meeting her for a week and it acts as something that you’re grateful she’s in your life. You need to floor her. While diamonds may be the ideal thing a woman wants and loves, maybe some flowers and a gift package from Body Shop would be a better deal on the first date. But don’t forget to get her something otherwise she’ll think you’re a cheap, pompous man who has ignored her and doesn’t deserve her royal being.

5. The Date: A perfect date is a combination of two things, the right place, and the right mood. If your woman is an adventurous variety, a bike ride to a secluded spot with a picnic basket of wine, and light snacks might be appropriate. If she is the high maintenance kind, she might prefer a fancy new restaurant that has been in the news for the last month or so where she can be seen and a place where you can compliment her even more. If she is the romantic but down to earth kind, a drive to the furthest place from town while you chat in the car and take her to her favourite restaurant for her favourite meal might be just the thing that hits the spot. Research into this would be a good idea for you. Do not ask her. Observe her for a few months and read up about her sun sign!

4. The Location: There are exciting stories out there, of how men have had wild sex in cars, in the jungles, in bathrooms of a mall and other such absurd locations. But rest assured, these are only  urban legends. Public places might happen later in life, but they are never the places where you lose your virginity. The good old bedroom, with a stable bed in an empty house has been proved by a staggering 85% of the population to be the ideal place. You need to find one. While you still live with your parents, it’s not ideal to tell the woman to keep quiet while you sneak her in hoping your father doesn’t see your eagerness in the middle of the night. It is not ideal either for you to suggest that you go back to her place. That could kill the mood as well if she thinks you’re cheap. Ask a friend who lives by himself to go to a hotel room for a night. You can pay. You cannot take the girl to a hotel room since she will think you had it planned and subsequently an idea that you think she’s “sleazy.” It’s better to have your friend’s place cleaned up and say casually, “I was planning to stay with a friend tonight so maybe you can come and have a cup of coffee so I can have the pleasure of your conversation a little more.” Or something to that effect!

3. The Setting:  On a date, you need to be able to give her just enough alcohol that she’s in her senses and mildly intoxicated. A little too much and she will go to sleep and you will be dragging her to your friends place over your shoulder and taking care of her nausea instead of her horniness. The alcohol should continue once you’re back. Even if she insists on coffee, pour a lot of alcohol into it and make it an “Irish” one. Make sure there are only a few table lamps on instead of the top tube light. The lighting could take away from the mood, the intoxication, and the conversation. So be careful that it is soft, dim, and just right.

2. The Foreplay: All right. Here we go. The moment has come.  You have to start taking things a little slow. Preferably, don’t make the first move. If you’ve done all the correct things, she will make a move first. But if she doesn’t and is still felling shy, you move in close and look into her eyes. That’s when you have to figure out if she is into you or not. Do not grab her hair and kiss her. The first time is not about being rough or violent. It’s about the sensuality of the feeling. If she kisses you back, you’re on track and you can continue with the act of foreplay, gently touching and kissing all the spots around her neck, her back, her fingertips. She will tell you where and how. Keep complimenting her.

1. Losing Your Virginity: Be “careful.” For all your imagination and great prowess, this will probably take only up to two minutes. But enjoy it. Do not be tentative. Take charge. Do not call out any dirty words. Behave normally.  Listen to her and listen to her body.  And you will remember it. You will remember it because you took the effort that made this moment so special. You will remember her. And after it’s over, be sure to compliment her and hold her close and talk about how special it was for you. Because you know in your heart, it will be. Best of luck!

http://www.gqindia.com/content/how-lose-your-virginity

The Art of (Not) Losing Graciously

Rated U/A

Alright maybe it’s all these award shows that I’m seeing or all the fights I’m hearing about but it’s got me thinking about how to lose graciously. I mean there’s always the “no comment” way to go and leave the country like some of our favourite Bollywood stars and then there’s always the “it doesn’t matter who won as long as I got nominated” spiel that most people give. But here’s the thing…let’s chuck all that. Let’s say it like it really is. We’ve all been losers at some time or another. We’ve lost our loves to someone else, we’ve lost that job to a `better’ candidate, we’ve even lost that rightfully deserved last piece of blueberry muffin to the fat lady when we’ve been waiting in line for it for the last seventeen minutes. It sucks. Life is not fair. And we all hate losing.  So next time we lose something how about we say it like it really is. Here are a few tips on how to be NOT so gracious.

Scenario 1 – Your lover breaks up with you. It’s not you, it’s them. It’s because they need “silence” “space”, “time to heal”. But you’ve heard the rumours. You’ve heard the tales. He’s cheating on you.  You know in your heart of hearts that it’s a bloody sham this break up. He wants to shag that new marketing executive and he wants you out of the way. You can’t make him love you. But here’s what you can do:

·         Go on Koffee with Karan (only if you have the power) and rat him out in the rapid fire round. You can deny it all later but for now it feels good to call him a scumbag on national television for everyone including the little hussy in marketing to hear it.

·         Follow her (I don’t want to be partial so I’m going to go with another gender since this can be both ways) on every site available so you know every single move and comment on everything she does. From orkut to facebook, twitter to myspace, let her keep blocking you, you just keep making anonymous names and befriend her. Hack into her privacy account and follow her on Google.

·         Make a voodoo doll. Collect all the memorabilia and make a shrine of the ex and slowly torture him by putting curses everyday or pricking the doll with some small pins and suddenly dropping hot coffee on his crotch! (It might not work on his life but it will definitely make you feel better thinking it is.)

·         Date his boss. Get him to make the rotten tomato’s life hell. To keep him late, give him extra responsibility and cut his bonus. Aha!

Scenario 2 – You’ve dressed up to go to a wedding. You’ve bought the outfit that has cost you a whole month’s salary. You’ve spent the whole day in getting your hair done, your nails exactly right and matching the jewellery to the finery of that outfit. You know you look resplendent. Maybe even better than the bride. Hell yah! And then you saunter off to meet the relatives and there is someone who is wearing your outfit. She’s wearing it better and she’s getting all the compliments. Here’s what you do:

·         Quickly befriend that photographer. Even slip him some money if you have to and tell him to delete her from all the pics or make her look bad. And then go get some fabulous photos taken where no one will remember what she wore and they’ll always admire your outfit in the photos later. Get the photos done as soon as you enter since later you might need to get into an ugly fight that might smudge your makeup or ruin your dress.

·         Lure her into the bathroom and then `accidentally’ turn the tap on so she becomes completely wet and has to spend the rest of the night there under the dryer trying to salvage her night. Or better yet just push her into the pool and make a quick getaway.

·         Make her drunk. Slip a roofie into her drink so she goes and sleeps in one small corner of a sofa in some remote area of the hotel that no one will ever find her and you can be the centre of attention the whole night long. Better yet, get a driver to drop her home in her inebriated state and keep a watch outside in case she wakes up and decides to turn back up at the party.

Scenario 3 – You’re broke. You haven’t had a job in over 2 years.  You’re living with your relatives while all your belongings are in little suitcases in different people’s houses. And then it happens... the dream job comes to you. It pays a fat salary, enough for you to get your house back and buy a few new designer outfits and go to that nightclub that opened six months back that you couldn’t afford then.  Oh and wait for it, it even gets you into a higher position than your previous job and your ex boss will have to envy you. Then it happens. You tell that one person about the offer. You tell him because he has to know. And you wait till Monday to take that position. And Monday comes and he’s got it. He’s already in that position. Veni Vidi Vici. Here’s what you can do:

·         While it may seem logical to do a `Jerry Maguire’ and start your own thing, you know it’s not going to give you that kind of money or status for another two years. So quit fooling yourself and do not think of starting something on your own in this competitive market. If you had to, you would have done so for the last 2 years when you were being a loser at home.

·         While you may want to go out and get drunk and feel very sorry for yourself, it might not be a good idea since you still don’t have the money to blow away in a night of single malts. Go home and get drunk on your relatives liquor stock. They will be throwing you out soon anyway.

·         Now plot. Get all the dirt on this man who has taken over from you. Collect it and then send it anonymously to the tabloid you know will print it as the top story the next morning. Better yet, pay a reporter to dig the dirt and get it printed. Also get the news channels involved, they’re always hungry for some gossip in the corporate sector.

·         Get an insider in the firm and cut a deal with him to keep crashing the frenemy’s computer. Let him lose all his data on a regular basis so that he gets fed up and leaves and voila you can take the job.

·         Date his wife. Sweet dalliances lead to bitter sweet revenge!

Scenario 4 – You’re at an award function. Yes miraculously you have been nominated for one. It’s taken time and plenty of grey hair to get you to this juncture but it’s been worth it. But the “journey” is not enough. You need the accolade. You need to go down in history. You need the applause and the gratification that came with all this hard work. You need it. You want it. You deserve it. It’s time. The category is announced. The rumours say you’ve won it; there was no real competition anyway. The camera closes up on your face and the winner is announced. It’s not you!  Here’s what you do:

·         Scream. Scream bloody murder and say “TERI MA KI…chudiyan…bahut sundar hai….” Make a ruckus that no one really concentrates on the winner. But they’ll remember you for the rest of every night of this award function and you will definitely go down in history.

·         Get up to take the award. Go on stage. Collect it from that woman and make the acceptance speech you’ve prepared for the last one week.  Go on. Just do it. And then when the real winner lands up – you can turn around, look him in the eye and say, “You know in your heart of hearts it should be me!”

·         Get revenge post the award function. Have the bearer steal the award. While the man is flirting with some junior producer from a channel, snatch the award and have it kept in your room. You might not have got the limelight for the night, but you do get the trophy and you can put it up later when everyone forges about it and there’s a new scam in the papers, or just wait for 3 days.

Disclaimer: The writer takes no responsibility for any action taken from any of the above suggestions but would definitely like people to write and tell her about their situations!