Tuesday, April 21, 2015

5 Ways to NOT Be a Clingy Girlfriend


Stop Constant Questions – Where are you? When are you coming home? When are we meeting? What are you thinking? What are you planning for our anniversary? When should we meet? Why aren’t we getting married? The constant questions will make your boyfriend run from you faster than a zebra from a lion. Maybe he doesn’t have all the answers. Maybe he needs some space. Give him time to call and chase you a bit. Keep the mystery alive.

Stop Going For His Boys Nights – He has a life beyond you. He has friends he likes to drink with. This is his support system! Stop landing up for his Boys Night Outs to spend time with him. Soon all his friends will hate you and ostracise him. And ultimately he’ll resent you. Give him that one night a week or month off to just enjoy himself and get sloshed, without you giving him grief the next day. He’ll love you more.

Stop Asking About Marriage – Everyone wants to know where the relationship is going as soon as the third date is over. Some men don’t want to get married. It’s not that they’re commitment phobic, it’s just that they enjoy their space and freedom as much as they love you. Think about an alternate life with him if he’s not ready for marriage. Redefine your relationship. And if you truly want to get married and your “biological clock is ticking” set a deadline and move on if he’s still not ready, instead of pushing him into it and regretting it later.

Stop Comparing – Your best friend is getting married, another is going on a Europe tour with her boyfriend and another has been introduced to his parents. Instead of whining, demanding and comparing your relationship to others, realise what you have. Does he love you? Does he listen to you when you talk about your dreams? Does he give you space and support you? Does he look after you when you’re upset? Those are good things in a relationship. Treasure them and cherish him. Don’t demand him doing it all the time. Sometimes he doesn’t have the bandwidth to support, listen or love you. Doesn’t mean he can’t later. Give him time.

Stop Being Suspicious – He liked a girl’s photo on Facebook. He must be cheating on me! He is having a coffee with his old school friend. He’s probably cheating on me! He has a girl on his team at work?! He is definitely cheating on me! Stop getting suspicious. If you’re cool and easy about the girls in his life, he’ll appreciate it. But the more you lock him down about every female he’s spoken to, he’ll hate you. It’s ok to be possessive and a little jealous. Let him know how much you lust after him and hate it when anyone else does so too. By giving him space to make a choice, he’ll never want to leave you.    

For more laughs buy My Clingy Girlfriend here: http://goo.gl/VwPjmN

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Statesman on My Clingy Girlfriend


I'm a commercial fiction author. That means I'll probably never win the Man Booker Prize or a Nobel for a life changing book. But it also means that I'll write about things that everyone can relate to in simple, funny, emotional ways that no other author is able to do. That's my USP. And at the end of the day all I can hope for is that you'll buy my books and love them, without or without them being classics :) 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Absolute India interview and review of My Clingy Girlfriend


Why Do Women Keep Silent?


The other day I was at the airport when I noticed an obnoxious older man with a pretty, young woman. I use the term obnoxious because he was cursing the woman for no reason, calling her stupid, idiotic and utterly childish. 

My flight got delayed and I was having a coffee while the couple who were apparently on the same flight, were sitting behind me having a drink. While the man got drunk, he became more obnoxious. The woman tried to have a conversation with him in low tones and all I could hear was, “I can’t believe you can be so dumb.” And “I really can’t understand why you’re so stupid. I mean seriously you have no brains or what?” The woman didn't say anything and looked away most of the time, fiddling with her hair and sipping her drink while I was seething with rage. “Why are you keeping quiet woman?” I wanted to yell out but stopped myself as boarding was announced.

A few days later I went to a party where a husband verbally abused his wife in front of all of us. He said things like “Don’t eat that or you’ll get fat again!” And very often, “Oh she has no sense of style. I buy all her clothes.” And even things like “She was nothing till I married her. Now look how high class she pretends to be.” The wife just smiled and drank green tea because her husband hadn't allowed her to have a glass of wine. 

Why did she keep quiet? And again all I said to him was, “I think she’s amazing. With or without you.” But I figured he didn't care and she wasn't bothered.

Why do women keep silent in abusive relationships? Do they feel that because a man doesn't hit them, that there is no abuse? Is it because as a species we've been taught to be subservient? “Be adjusting. Be accommodating. Don’t pick fights. A man is everything in your life. He will give you status and security. Forgive him his faults. All men are like that only.”

The women in question were pretty, strong, and educated. So why do so many intelligent women keep silent at this abuse?

Because we were taught to do so.

Because somewhere we doubt our own capabilities. We are insecure of our potential. We've been told, taught and have imbibed that it’s a man’s world and we won’t be able to succeed without the help of a man. A drunken partner is better than no partner at all. Being single is worse than being in a dead marriage. Be a good woman and look after your partner – feed him, clean his house, look after his needs, keep him happy. If you keep quiet, the abuse goes away.

But let me tell you. It doesn't. 
The abuse never goes away. 

It comes in small lethal doses over time eroding your confidence and belief. And women suffer in silence, living in misery, self-doubt, depression and in delusion thinking their lives are good enough.

But the most important reason why women keep silent is because they’re LAZY. Yes. They don’t want to upset the “system” of having to explain to their families why they broke up, having to deal with friends looking at them as if it was their fault it didn’t work out and having to work hard at earning a living because the man at some level gives them money to do whatever they need. 
“Arrey I can buy whatever I want and he travels often. That’s good enough for me. At least he’s not slapping me.”

Stopping the abuse starts from YOU. Stop being CLINGY, LETHARGIC, LANGUID, SLUGGISH, INDOLENT.

This is what it means to be empowered. To do something for yourself. That’s YOUR CHOICE.

Stand up for yourself and tell him to “Shut up!” Tell him to take his own plate to the kitchen. Tell him what you want him to do for you instead of the other way around. 

Be strong. Be brave. Be bold. Be brilliant. 

And be powerful enough to leave the man to live your life the way you were chosen to do if he continues to abuse you. 

You are not the weaker sex. Stop behaving so. Have the courage to not be silent.
Speak up!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Crossword Bestseller List!

Only one week after the launch and My Clingy Girlfriend is already on the Crossword Bestseller List!

It's available in every book store and Amazon and Flipkart too.

What 25 Yrs of Pretty Woman Taught Me


1990. The year of Good Fellas, Godfather III, Home Alone and Pretty Woman. All great films but only one left an indelible mark on me. The one where the rich man rescues the poor woman from the streets and they fall in love and live happily ever after. Pretty Woman.

Somehow it got ingrained into me for a long time that relationships were as simple as that. And a whole generation grew up waiting for a rich, handsome man to come along and sweep them off their feet while they did nothing but look pretty. I wanted the fairy tale too.

My first boyfriend was a big industrialist’s son. Loaded. Semi good looking. Funny. I thought I had it all. I went to a prestigious lady college in Delhi and thought I would graduate and live happily ever after with this industrialist. After all Edward and Vivian did the same. I believed I was Julia Roberts. I took loaded son shopping and behaved weird most days trying to mould him and teach him to be grounded. He took me shopping like Edward had with Vivian on Rodeo Drive. I wore beautiful dresses and he even got me a magnificent necklace which wasn’t diamonds but quite beautiful. I was living Vivian’s life. This was it. I was Pretty Woman. The kind he’d like to meet.

Till it crashed. And he dumped me.

So I grew up. 25 years later these are the things I learned from Pretty Woman:

Baby I’m Going to Treat You So Nice You’re Never Gonna Wanna Let me Go – Relationships disintegrate over time because we stop being nice to each other. We stop listening to our partners, stop caring how they’re feeling, stop looking after their emotional, physical needs. If you want a relationship to last 25 years, you’re gonna wanna treat each other nicely every day.

It’s just that, uh, very few people surprise me. Yeah well you’re lucky. Most of em shock the hell outta me. – If you saw something different in each other over time, keep the mystery alive. Whether it’s taking a surprise vacation or trying something new in bed, surprise and shock each other in a good way to keep the romance rocking.

I never treated you like a prostitute. You just did. - Never Stop Working! Earn your own money. Wild women do…and they don’t regret it! It’s a high to get that pay check. No matter what profession, strive to do better, to do different things and be your own successful person so that no one at any point can put you down, not even your partner.

Do you have anything in this shop as beautiful as she is? You’re Not Julia! God she’s perfect with the perfect hair, smile and oh smoking hot body. And we’re not her. And we’re still fine. And beautiful and sexy. Be proud. Be humble. Be forgiving to yourself. And know you’re not Julia. You’re better.

You’re Late. You’re Stunning. You’re Forgiven – Let it go. Some fights aren’t meant to last. Men will need space. They will be late. They will forget dates. They’re forgiven. Women may not know how to cook. They may hate children. They blow up too much money. They’re forgiven. Fight over things that are important and let the other small issues go.

What happens after he rescues her? She rescues him right back. – A man cannot do everything for you. As a woman you’re supposed to rescue him too. You need to do it daily for years. You need to help a man become the person he has dreamed of being, not what you think he should be. Always motivate and support him. And make sure he does the same for you.

I want the fairy tale – Doesn’t everyone really still want the Pretty Woman fairy tale romance? In 25 years, relationships have become extremely complicated. Not everyone will end up like Vivian and Edward do on that fire escape. Their happily ever after isn’t yours. A great relationship might actually be exactly what you have. And for all the single people, be the king of wishful thinking and find your own fairy tale. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

My Clingy Girlfriend Book Launch



What an amazing evening. Feel so blessed to have so many friends who came and supported me. The book is already rising in the best seller charts. Hard work and patience does pay off! 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

My Views on #VogueEmpower Videos


First of all I want to say I’m all for women empowerment. I completely agree that it is a woman’s choice to get married, have a child, wear whatever she wants and choose her life and decisions.

Vogue’s empowerment campaigns though leave me a little confused.

For example the first video "Going Home" https://youtu.be/0EDJxs1yJrQ was of Alia Bhatt getting into a car full of male strangers and going home safely. 

I love Alia. But I don’t get the campaign. Yes we need to make our streets safe. But don’t we also need to teach our girls and women to be aware, be safe, be bold, be vigilant, be smart. 

Maybe that video should have been about Alia getting out, fixing her car, holding a wrench when a car full of men drives up and says, “Thanks but I got it covered.” And that should have ended with #Mychoice to be bold, my choice to be brave, my choice to change the world.

Vogue’s 2nd empowerment video "Start With The Boys" https://youtu.be/0Nj99epLFqg was of men being told not to cry. "Ladke nahin rote hain." 
And then in the end we see a man hurting his wife/ partner and the very lovely Madhuri Dixit comes and says “Aadmi rulate bhi toh nahin hai.”

Huh?

What has that got to do the empowerment or have any relation? What did that video actually want to do? So men who don’t cry will hurt their wives? And men who do will be pansies? Whaaa?

In fact the video should have Madhuri Dixit saying, “It’s ok for men to cry. Take a woman’s support because we can give our shoulders to you too.”

Men should be sensitive. Men should cry. And women should understand that. Women should raise their sons to cry and feel and talk and discuss and that’s how you will have a generation of men who will express their feelings to their wives and girlfriends and never have misunderstandings! Yes they shouldn’t hurt women. But you’re not teaching that by this video.

So let’s come to Deepika’s video. https://youtu.be/KtPv7IEhWRA
Yes I know there are 99 women in it. But it’s her voice and Homi’s vision. So while my Whatsapp groups are having massive debates on how beautiful it is and how it is always a woman’s choice to live life her way I have a few issues with this video and script.

First of all what the hell does “my odour, your anarchy” mean? Or for that matter many other phrases. And what's with this photo of Deepika in boxing gloves with a man looking so pitiful? 
I know plenty of great men who give their partners unconditional support and love. And all it takes for the woman is to help them understand what they need instead of screaming "Mychoice at them. 
Also empowerment is not about making men succumb to your every whim and fancy and boxing them to make them understand your view point. 

Yes it is a woman’s choice as I’ve said in the beginning but let’s talk about EMPOWERMENT for a second.

How does 99 privileged women with hair flying across the screen with a voice over of bindi, odour, sex have anything to do with the common woman and her empowerment?

I would change the video in 4 ways:
1. Had a mix of languages that women across the country speak. We have 30 languages. Why only English?

2. Get a mix of ordinary women with just a few celebs from different careers like a Chanda Kochchar or Indra Nooyi who can say “Don’t judge me because I’ve worked hard to be here.”

3. Get men who also believe in empowerment. Not all men are horrible people who will rape, criticise, judge and slander women. Have men in the video saying, “I’m a feminist.” And “I believe all men and women are equal.” “I will protect you because we need to change the world together.”

4. Take everyday situations to depict how we need empowerment.

For example a woman driving a car who says “Don’t judge me because I am a woman driver.”
A woman employee who is wearing what she likes and says, “I don’t need to sleep my way to the top. I’m smart enough. Don’t judge me.”  

A housewife who says, “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight. I’m not having an affair! Don’t judge me.”

A girl who wants to give up her job and get married, “I believe in love and want to be a mother. Don’t judge me if I give up my job!”

A woman who is overweight and says, “I am a National Award winner. And you’re still judging me on my weight?”

A village woman who will say in her language with subtitle below, “I refuse to have more than one child. I am not barren. Don’t judge me.”

I believe in empowerment. I believe these are the voices that need to be heard from women AND men across the country. Speaking sentences that resonate. That make sense. That we can agree with. That will raise a debate on how we can change our thinking. And truly become empowered. 

My Clingy Girlfriend video!



Culture Machine has taken elements of my new novel My Clingy Girlfriend and made a video about how your girlfriends could be. It's exaggerated, caricatured and hilarious. Not all women are like this but we love all women!

Already gaining momentum online, it's the new Being Indian series that is going viral. With over 19,000 views in the 1st 12 hours of going viral and with over 3 lakh subscriptions, you don't want to miss it.

If you like the video you know you'll love the book too http://goo.gl/VwPjmN

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Time for Good Sex


There is nothing like time bound good sex. Everything lies in the state of you and your partner’s mind. A great orgasm can happen in a few minutes or it could take hours and sometimes great sex could happen without an orgasm. But to truly enjoy sex here are the time frames you can explore.

5 Minute Sex: If a couple has been sexting to each other the whole day, flirting casually over Whatsapp or sending each other pictures or scenes of what they want to do to each other, as soon as one partner or both get home, it would take five minutes to have great sex. If you’re already put your partner in the frame of mind, then they’re half ready. If you haven’t had time to do all this through the day but want to have a quickie, another way is to arouse your partner through gentle kissing and then use a vibrator for her. It won’t take her long to cum and then you can as well. A five minute Quickie can also happen when there is danger involved. Someone walking in on you in a public space, or you need to get to a party and are already late. The excitement that is built up and the urgency of the situation if both of you are ready and willing will give you the five minute orgasm.

15 Minutes Sex – This is when you’re slightly intoxicated and already horny. You’ve been eyeing a girl at a party. She gives you the come hither looks. You have a scintillating conversation. Sparks fly. You take her to a secluded place and you can have fifteen minutes sex. You will still need some foreplay of kissing or feeling each other before the act. The whole thing would probably last only fifteen minutes as there’s not much thinking going in. Do remember to ask her if she had a good time later. Thank her! Make sure she doesn’t have any STD and you should always wear a condom. If you’re doing this with a partner at home, (and are intoxicated already) it’s an act of faster foreplay before the act.  

30-45 Minutes – Every couple must have this kind of sex. It’s a longer version but must be indulged in once a week at least to keep the relationship alive. It starts slowly from cuddling and kissing to more deeper passionate kissing, necking, feeling, licking, sucking, touching, caressing. It can involve scented candles or ice cubes, depending on whether the woman likes it hot or cold. You can give each other an oil massage. (Please use a lavender scented oil and not mustard or coconut. This is not a maalish! It’s a gentle arousing of the senses.) Once the longer foreplay is over you can do the main act. Please remember that sex is not the actual penetration or pounding away. It’s also the arousal, the foreplay and the afterwards that counts as the time taken. It’s all in the state of mind. From the moment you get your partner to start thinking it, to moving on to the next activity.

1-5 hours – Many people think this is an absurd amount of time to have sex but remember this can only be done when you take frequent breaks. This also doesn’t mean that you need to pound away for 45 minutes. It’s a myth that women like penetration for anything longer than 5-10 minutes! So if a man is boasting about it, he’s definitely not given an orgasm to the woman who might be just trying to keep him happy. When a couple has gone on a romantic vacation, taken an entire day to just relax in the hotel room, then you can have this kind of tantric sex. But it needs a bit of concentration. No going off to watch TV or chat with friends on Whatsapp. Start with some oil treatment for each other. Then you can have a bit of sex. Then go off for a hot bath, again have some sex, indulge in some foreplay and again have some sex, caress her hair and have some conversation or a bit of light food before you again have sex. Stay in robes. Do not wear clothes! The purpose is to have a sex vacation that doesn’t need any other activity. Most hotels also have honeymoon packages so you can ask them if there is a special room with a hidden balcony or a special terrace that you can go to. Experiment there as well. It’s the idea of just having sex that can be exciting enough. You can always come back to your room if you’re not into outdoor sex. If you’re tired, use a finger vibrator or a clit simulator to have sex with your woman. You can even use different toys if you’re alone and planning to have sex for a few hours. Always be in the state of mind and it can last hours with multiple orgasms.

Cautionary Measures:
1. Always wear a condom if it’s with someone new or if you or your partner have an bacterial infection. The infection can go back and forth.
2. Don’t have any body odour or bad breath. Take a shower before you hit the party. Don’t have an overwhelming smell about you. Women DO NOT like a man who has sprayed too much cologne and perfume. They can’t breathe during sex then.
3. If you smoke, remember to carry gum so you don’t have smoker’s breath that can turn women off. If your partner smokes, then it’s fine.
4. Don’t use the vibrator with every encounter. Keep it for every third or fourth time you have sex with your woman. If she starts depending on it, it can get dangerous for you.
5. Ensure the woman has a good time and it’s not only you who has had an orgasm. She will curse you and feel terrible if you’ve only “used” her. So be considerate and a True Gentleman. That’s what makes for Great Sex. A mutual admiration of each other.


Monday, March 16, 2015

50 Shades of Vermilion: 1.Shraddha


I think that Indian women are far more courageous, erotic and sensuous than anyone in the world. So I'm writing a 50 Shades of Indian Women. 50 erotic stories of Indian women told in different ways!

My first story came from a WhatsApp chat I was having with a friend of mine who stays in London. He told me a story about one extremely smart, beautiful Indian woman.
I’m going to keep his words exactly as he wrote it in the WhatsApp chat instead of putting it in a female tone or style that I have in my Scandalous Housewives. I love his writing and I think this is a completely new way of telling a story. Not a prose, not a poem, but a chat! 
I hope you’ll like the story and style too! 

Let’s call her Shraddha.

Dumped by boyfriend just before he went to the U.S. for a masters. I was her friend with benefits for a few years. She rang me saying she needed to escape from India for a couple of weeks. So she came to me in London.
She was hurting. Nothing happened. We just went on long drives. Sat by the ocean. Took a steam train ride. She slept in another room. I was totally cool with that.
End of first week as we stood by glorious Windsor castle in the dying sunlight, she kissed me. Thank you for giving me this. Just a short kiss on the lips. Nice.
That night we had dinner and showered and cuddled in front of the TV.
She said she wanted me to read to her as she went to sleep. So we got into bed and I was reading to her as she nuzzled. Cute.
We feel asleep entangled.
She woke me up at 5 am. Such a special time. Sun just coming up. Birds stirring. Everything else quiet.
Everything bathed in liquid blue. Crystal clear.
We had explosive sex. She was angry and hungry and uninhibited. It didn't matter.
We fucked on the bed. Then rolled into the floor. I lifted her and we fucked standing up. In front of the mirror. She kept digging into me. Pushing back till she had every inch buried deep in her. When we were done we were both exhausted and happy and serene.
Over breakfast she told me how she loved my Writing. How she had been seduced by it. How she slept with me all those years because she wanted to be part of my soul. I took it as a compliment. Humbled.
Then she asked me if I would make one more fantasy come true. I said what.
She wanted to be devoured. By two men. At the same time. I was quite startled at first. Weird but I was. Also where do I find a man. I couldn't just ask a friend to do me a favour. And there wasn't time to invite her to meet my mates to see which one she fancied. No guarantees they would be up for it either. So I said i would see but didn't think I could do much.
That week she was going up to Edinburgh. While I went back to work. I bought her a pack of condoms just in case and she thanked me.
We had sex. Then she packed and I put her on the train for her final week of adventure before she headed back to the real world.
I went to Edinburgh as a surprise during the week. And arranged to go with her to a very sophisticated sex party
An orgy for the rich and famous. Very discreet. Very clean. Very safe and respectful. But very naughty.
I just watched. I am not into that kind of thing. Or at least was not that day. But let's just say she got what she wanted. Low lit room. Clean and stylish. Turkish theme. Lots of beautiful men and women in practically nothing. All very civilised at first. Drinks. Laughter. Food. She stayed close taking it all in at first. But you could tell she was feeling safe confident and getting turned on. Men making bee line for her. Indian dusky women are exotic. She is beautiful. Short. But beautiful full breasts. Small waist. Lovely legs. Men wondering if I would mind. I smiled at her.  I enjoyed watching her give and take. Friday night went into Saturday morning. We left in the afternoon.
Today she is married to some nice Banker in Mumbai. Happy. Normal.
I like that. I like how she healed herself. Sex does that. But you need friends…

If you like this read more in the book Scandalous Housewives http://goo.gl/VUCLNr

Sunday, March 15, 2015

How to Get Rid of a Clingy Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece in the Feb issue of Maxim magazine in lieu of my latest book launch My Clingy Girlfriend. This blog and the book is not meant to offend anyone or provide unhappiness to any relationship. 

Most men have had a clingy girlfriend. They’re the ones who keep checking who you’re talking to on WhatsApp, they keep asking what you’re thinking, why you don’t give them your Facebook password, when will you get married and what your babies’ names shall be. All within the first month of knowing you. So if you know you need to break up, here are a few tips to do so.

1. Empty Threats – You can’t say we need to break up and the next night sleep with your girlfriend. You can’t give her mixed signals. Then they’re just empty threats that are not going to make her go away at all. You need to say you don’t think this relationship is working out and stick to it. Keep saying that you’ve broken up. Don’t show emotion, don’t care if she cries, don’t say we’ll figure it out. Clingy Girlfriends will use all their power to keep you in their life. Understand she’s first going to try to scare you, control you and then destroy you. You must stay strong!

2. Slob Attack – Women like changing and moulding men. They like to see a man well groomed. So you need to do the opposite. You must not bathe, shave, wear deo or clean any part of you living area. Do not let her “mould” you. When you do bathe, or shave use all of her expensive bath products and make sure she realises they’re over! Then leave your wet towel on the bed and leave the house.

3. Be Sickening! – You’ve been saving your sick leave for a sick day but here is a chance to actually stay at home and show what a pain in the house you can be. If you have a live in girlfriend, get in the way of what she does at home and thoroughly enjoy yourself in your house. Fire the maid. Ask her to clean the dishes. Watch TV the entire day. Play on your X-Box. Talk to your female friends loudly so she can hear. Do it for a few days till she kicks you out. You must have told her you’ve broken up with her before you do this and maintain that you’re single and she’s still staying with you while you do this. Or you’ll be in trouble!

4. Girlfriends Disapproval – Once a woman has told her girlfriends about you and they approve they will always keep pushing her to get back together with you. So you need to un-do this approval. You need to call her friends and start flirting with them. If you meet them you must try to ask them for a date saying now that you’re broken up with Ms. Clingy, you’re free to date her friends. If she is meeting her friends, you should go and barge in on their party and flirt with the friends, make lewd masochist remarks and pick up an order and leave. Let them pay your bill. Women hate that!

5. Family Circus – A clingy girlfriend is smart. She will use the help of your family to get your relationship back on track. If you don’t want your mother, cousin or well-wishing relative to call and say what a beautiful `jodi’ you two make, you need to let them in on it. Let your family know what she’s been doing and why you need to break up. Otherwise they’ll take her side. Ask them for their advice on how to break up. Once they feel they’re helping you no matter what she calls to tell them, they’ll not relent.

6. Off the Beaten Path – Sometimes you need to act strangely and pull away in different ways to make your girlfriend realise she’s not important. Become a “sadhu” for some time. Enrol in philosophical classes, take solo trips to ashrams, and wear loose fitting white clothing. Say phrases like there’s only God in this world and I renounce myself to Him. I shall not have a family life anymore. If she asks what happens to her, you can reply – You’ve found your true calling and it has nothing to do with this materialistic world. However you still need to work to pay the bills.

7. Keep Proof – Clingy girlfriends can use every psychotic trick in the book to keep you in their life. From telling you they’re pregnant with your child to cutting themselves and writing letter to you in their blood. Don’t freak out. Don’t feel guilty and never take the woman back. Instead send her the names of some well-known psychiatrists and take all this proof to a police station to get a restraining order. Keep the police and your family involved and aware of her so that later it won’t surprise you if she takes legal action.

8. Block, Delete – If you can’t move your city to get away from her because truly that’s the best way, you need to change your passwords on your computer, laptop and any social media sites that she may have had access to. For God’s sake don’t change it to her name or date of birth! Unfriend and remove the people common in your life if you have to. So they won’t spy on you. Stop going to the same parties and the same events both of you hung out at. She’ll be there hoping to rekindle the romance. Change the locks if she was a live in. Crash at a friend’s place. Avoid her. Then delete her.

9. Relapse, repeat – It’s ok if you’re single for some time. It’s ok if you’re lonely. You don’t want to go back to the same person again or the same type of person. You need to also do some introspection or actually speak to a counsellor on why this relationship happened and how you don’t make those choices again.

10. Stop Feeling Guilty – She might use phrases like what would your friends think, is this how you treat women? Is this how you’ve been brought up? She’ll use your core values and demean you. Don’t fall for it. You might be a great guy and it’s not your fault you fell in love with a clingy woman. Don’t doubt yourself. Focus on her as the problem and not you. 

If you think this is tongue in cheek, order the book here: http://goo.gl/cct76A   

Sunday, March 8, 2015

A Salute to Men on Women's Day


On Women's Day I'd like to salute the men who have stood by women all their life.
The fathers, grandfathers, sons, boyfriends, friends, lovers, and the random men who have helped women with small things along the way.

The men who are trying to understand what women want and need and support them. The men who say Go, Be, Do, Achieve, Love, Cry, Fail, Succeed, Try and I'll be there for you no matter what.

For the bosses who treat the women in their team as equals, for the man on the street who is chivalrous and not lecherous, for the man who doesn't blink twice about women refusing to be mothers and wanting to be achievers, for the father who treats both a girl and boy child as the same, let us thank them.

Let me salute the men who are feminists, who are appalled that women have to fight for equal rights because they believe it should be as natural as gravity. Let me praise the man who doesn't need his wife to be home to cook or entertain but is proud she is out working and exploring. Let me honour the man who doesn't believe it's his right  to be given what he wants by a woman simply because he does `so much' as well.

Thank you to those men who respect women no matter what. And lucky are those women to have these men in their life.

Happy Women's Day to all of you who make this world brighter, safer and happier for the future generation. #WomensDay

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

How To Heal From a Heartbreak: A Conversation Between Two Friends


The latest conversation between 2 friends on how to heal from a heartbreak and apps that may help. 

Aditi: Nowadays the best way to get over a man is to get on Tinder. 
Kaveri: Tinder makes it easy for us to move on doesn't it? 
Aditi: Tell me about it! Practically every other person on Tinder has broken up recently. It has a sub club for broken hearts!
Kaveri: It does?!
Aditi: Nah I’m kidding. But it is about people who have broken up from someone and want to move on. I think it's important to meet and greet new people. Memories of your broken past are the most painful! And, very difficult, nay, impossible to get away from. You crave distraction. Anything, just anything to stop thinking about your ex. Kaveri: Ya.
Aditi: A broken hearted soul needs the comfort of friends, family. Somehow to push them to get out of the house, put some effort in dressing up, play sports. You just can't get yourself to do it on your own. You just want to lay in bed, eat chips, drink coke/alcohol, watch TV cos sleep eludes you and you don't remember what your life was about before it all. Or that you even had a life.
Kaveri: Heartbreak happens when one person in the relationship moves on and the other still believes they can work it out.
Aditi: When you start dating again, you slowly realise how abundant the universe is. How, if you make the slightest effort, it'll offer you countless opportunities.
Kaveri: When both move on it’s called a passage of time
Aditi: Not necessarily. It happens when one person wants to move on and the other isn't there yet. When you want to make it work, there's hope in your mind.
Kaveri: When one moves on, it just leaves the other one behind, drowning in what happened and how this investment left them empty, broken. Whether it was worth it.
Aditi: If only we realise that everything is worth it and it’s better than being with someone who stopped loving you. Then no matter how much you try, you’ll never get that person back. Because he’s already gone. He’s mentally miles away from you. And you’re just wasting your time.

Kaveri: So we should just pick up the pieces of ourselves and give them to someone else? Like Tinder asks us to do?
Aditi: No. But just keep them to yourself for some time while taking pieces from others. Their happiness, their laughter, their compliments. God knows your ego will need it for a bit.
Kaveri: For how long?
Aditi: For at least a few months. That’s how you heal from a heartbreak. And heal you will. Believe in that. And then you'll find someone, even on Tinder and they'll be the one. And you'll become exclusive and believe in love again. 

Saturday, February 21, 2015

My Prediction for 87th Academy Awards


The ‪#‎Oscars‬ are upon us. The only day in the year when I wake up at 5:30 in the morning to see an event I dreamed being a part of ever since I was a kid. Here is what I think is going to happen on Monday 23rd Feb.
Best Picture: Birdman or Boyhood though I feel The Grand Budapest Hotel was better than both.
Best Director: Linklater for Boyhood bcos it took him 12 yrs to make one film Dammit! But Innaritu has the jury in his hands...

Best Actor: Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything bcos he's won everything so far as Stephen Hawking
Best Actress: Julianne Moore for Still Alice though I think Reese Witherspoon deserves it more. I mean it's abt acting. Not just leading in a good story.
Supporting Actor: J.K Simmons for Whiplash. Have you seen the movie? Wow!
Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette for Boyhood. I mean to be an actress in the same movie for 12 years is kinda like being a slave to your profession for a long time.

Best Writing: The Grand Budapest Hotel. Bcos it's so brilliantly written. And so brilliantly shot and superbly sublime and funny. 
I feel Birdman is going to take away a lot of Oscars and everyone will then go watch it and say hey that's an awesome movie without even understanding it. But that's how it is in cinema. 
I hope people are inspired by the end of it. After all it's not abt winning or losing but making great art. Have a great Monday. ‪#‎87thAcademyAwards‬

Monday, February 16, 2015

10 Things You Didn't Know Women Liked About Sex

Disclaimer: This is graphic. If you’re not 18, turn the page! If you’re married, this is compulsory reading like your MBA exam!
Women aren’t always vocal about what they like in bed. They go along because they don’t want to hurt your ego. But they’re not always having an orgasm. No they might not be faking it, but you can tell they’re not happy in their daily behaviour. Crankiness, nagging, cribbing are all forms of them not having good sex. Give them what they like and you’ll never have a bad relationship in your life!

Toys R Fun – Dildos that help you find the g -spot should be a must buy in your life. You can find these online but if you’re traveling abroad make sure you Google a store in your location that can give you this.  It’s far more essential than that bottle of whiskey! Start with the vibrating ring on the condom. Don’t laugh. Sexual games are serious. The more you’re both into them the better will be her orgasm. Tip: A vibrator is different from a dildo or a vibrating dildo. Touch the vibrating tip over the clit and nature will do the rest. The vibrating cock ring is available in India.  Waterproof mini massager by Dr Laura Berman is a fun toy to give your mate.

Say My Name – Women like dirty talk. They may not like it in Hindi (you can get to that later) but they like you being a little rough and rowdy in bed sometimes. This is after you’ve been sweet and cuddly with them as well. They need to see that wild side too. Calling her a sexy little b**** and salivating for her and telling her you want to tear her clothes off does excite women. Tip: Establish a foundation first. You can’t do this on your first date. That’s just a bit scary for the girl.

Rub-Slap-Repeat – So you can try the doggy style and here’s when you can get a little kinky if you’re into it. You can easily rub her bum a little before you give her a little slap. It warms it up. Trying new things is important. Missionary will make you bored very easily. Tip: You need to ask her if she wants to play the submissive in a role and try different things. Tell her this has nothing to do with respect. It’s simply fun for her too.  

G-Whaaa? – There is a G Spot. It’s not a mythical creature from the Lord of the Rings. You should know where it is by now. The g-spot is stimulated when you do the doggy style as long as you know you’re supposed to hump upwards. The g- spot gets rubbed when the woman is on top. The g- spot can be found when you slip one/two fingers into her vagina and curve the fingers. Like you’re taking out ghee from a long jar. Tip: Cut your nails. Keep them clean. Also let her be on top as long as she wants.

Come to Bed Clooney – Role playing is important. Send her a naughty message from work asking her to meet you at a bar in a dress with no panties on. Have drinks with her and flirt a little. Pretend you’re George Clooney. Then take her home and let her take the lead if she wants. Get creative – do it in the balcony at night, buy her a French maid outfit and tell her to pretend to clean the house wearing that while you’re in your robe. Enact a scene from Dirty Dancing. Tell her to buy a stripper or naughty school girl outfit. Surprise you one day. Tip: Try, try again if things fail. Sometimes women need a little push into doing things because they’re shy.

Spill the Beans - Ask her whether she likes the touch you are giving or she wants it differently. Don’t be offended when she gives instructions. Learn from the woman. Wouldn’t you be taking notes in a class to pass a test? Wouldn’t you be making excel sheets when your boss gives you numbers? Same way learn and ask questions so you can become the CEO of the bedroom. Tip: Don’t say I know you’ll like my cock better and give up when she tells you what to do. No. She wants the fingers and the vibrator and the role play sometimes. Make the foreplay last.

Yeh Public Hai – While not many people are into PDA, all women are into Chinese whispers. That means in a public space you can lean in to whisper how you find her cleavage very sexy or how you’re dying to suck her nipples. Lean in and let your cheek rub against her face and neck, gently blowing into her ear after you whisper. Tease her senses. Look at her deeply from across the room before you go back to a conversation with other people. Make the anticipation worthwhile. Let her desire you. Gently touch her back as if you’re helping her when she walks in front of you. Tip : Don’t snap her bra. You’re not in 6th grade.

Don’t Diss the Porn – Some women don’t like to watch porn so you need to build it up for them. Play a soft porn movie and start the action while you’re watching it. Tell her you can do better. Tell her she’s better than the pornstar. Gently get her into trying new positions. Order soya wax candles and use wax on her body. A gentle drop on her back, or cleavage and rub it lightly. Don’t use ordinary candles. Tip: Check the video before you watch it together. Don’t go for the XXX rated the first time you show her porn.

Treasure Hunts – You know she’s going to be home at a particular time so you can leave little clues and chits for her to follow. Kitchen – Go to the bathroom and find a box. Bathroom – Open box and wear perfume. Go to closet. Closet – Chit on a coat. Wear nothing but the coat. Go downstairs to parking lot. Parking lot – Cab. Get into cab and come to hotel. Hotel – At reception ask for room 121. So it’s a little chase for her and for you. Tip: The best erogenous zone in a woman’s body is her mind. Titillate that!

Don’t fall asleep after coitus – MOST IMPORTANT. Cuddle. Lie in bed. Chat. Women still love that. Unless she wants to get up, don’t hop off and order a pizza. She really doesn't care if the sheets are dirty. Not this time. Tip: Treat every time as your first with the woman and maybe the last time because you don’t know if she’ll give it to you again. That’s how important it should be.


Sunday, January 18, 2015

How to Hook Up At a Party

Look like Ryan Gosling – You know why girls swoon over Ryan Gosling? Because he looks good. Now it doesn’t matter if you’re not as fit or as wealthy, you can still try to bathe, wear deo, trim your beard, gel your hair and put on some fresh ironed clothes. If you’re confused about what to wear, a woman always loves a crisp white shirt and well-fitted jeans on a man. If it’s a formal event, wear a jacket. Oh…a jacket would make you win half the battle.

Speak like Mark Zuckerberg – No not the guy who played him in the movie, the real man. He is intelligent, philanthropic and wears a nice smile. He is appealing. He speaks when spoken to. He’s not bragging about his work, money or life. He’s down to earth. Be cool, comfortable, easy going. Mingle with a group and speak to all women at the party. Thin you deserve to be there. Know that women are interested in you when you smile sincerely and not lecherously.

Think like James Bond – You’re charismatic, suave, sexy, mind blowing. Feel it. And then speak to a woman who you like, or the woman who has come over. Be intelligent. Don’t ogle at her breasts. Be interested in her. “If I had to take you on a date, which movie would you like to see?” Ask her what she likes to do. Give her the spotlight but don’t be creepy. Too many personal questions will make her think you’re stalking her. Smile and nod your head as if you really care. Be mysterious.

Charm like Shah Rukh Khan – Women love SRK. Not because he’s a great actor, but because when he looks at you, you’re the only one he’s thinking of. Give her undivided attention. Ask her for a dance if there’s a dance floor. Seclude her to another area where you can hear her better – the terrace, a corridor, etc. Ask her if she would like to smoke. This way you can spend some more time dazzling her. Talk about your hobbies and your work. Don’t be overconfident. Stay humble and shift focus back to her.

Friendly like Chandler – Before Monica and Chandler hooked up she always thought of him as a friend. At a party you don’t want a woman to think of you as someone she can confide in. As soon as she feels comfortable with you, she won’t sleep with you. If she mentions she has a boyfriend, say you’re not interested in breaking anything up and thank her and walk away. If she still chooses to spend time with you, then you’ve got her hooked. If she says you can become good friends, then you must immediately say you’re too enamoured to remain friends and again walk away. Let her make the choice to come to you. Or you can go the Chandler way and become friends until you confess you have feelings for her one fine day in the future.

Spend like Mr. Big – Women have watched Sex and the City, a TV show where the male protagonists had lots of money. A woman likes the fact that her man can afford her high maintenance life. If you can buy her a drink, offer to take her out for dinner and even say you will get her a new dress if you rip her current one off, it shows you can afford expensive things in life. Women are attracted to men who are doing well in life as compared to men who are still struggling.

Sing like Sinatra – Women love a man who can sing or/and play an instrument. It’s something about the lyrics or the melody in his voice that will make a woman instantly attracted to him. So at a party if there’s karaoke, do sing a song. And if there isn’t say that you would like to sing two lines of a song that you’re reminded of when she speaks. Practice any song at home before you get to the party. Always sing the same song that you’re most confident in. Don’t sing the whole song till you’re prompted by her.

Funny like Farhan Akhtar – This man has been called the thinking woman’s ideal man. He’s witty and sharp and he may not have the best body or greatest dress sense but he’s sincere, puns a lot, comes up with great stories and is the master of many trades. That could be you. You don’t always need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You can just laugh at yourself and tell her an anecdote about your past that was humiliating and yet here you are hoping that the most beautiful woman in the room might like you more than that cool man over there in the corner. Endearing men always score!

Aloof like Mr Darcy – Women like brooding, aloof, powerful, dominant men. They like a bad boy they can tame. First you must find a woman who is also eyeing you as much as you are eyeing her. Then walk over to her and pay her a compliment. “I couldn’t help but admire your eyes from all the way across the room and I just needed to get a closer look.” If she’s with friends say “Enjoy your evening” and walk away, a distance where she can still see you. Smile at her if she’s still sitting with friends. Don’t start chatting with other people. Sit separately with your drink. Let her come to you.

Be You – If you like a girl, tell her. Compliment her on her eyes, her smile and the way she carries her dress. Talk to her about yourself. If you had a Twitter bio what would it say? Ask her. Play twenty questions about the person she is. Does she like parties or quiet dinners at home? Tell her what your future plans her. “I’m planning to take a cooking class to make a quiet dinner for someone in the near future.” Make her laugh.

Some women might hook up and some women even after everything you do just won’t. They came to the party to have a good time and not hook up. Don’t take it personally. In the end, have a wonderful time at the party. The more you go out to just have fun, the more you’ll have a great holiday season. 

From my Maxim Column December 2014 issue. 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Broken is Beautiful. Kintsugi

"Most people would like damages to their broken items to be concealed and hidden by repair making the object look like new. But the Japanese art of Kintsugi follows a different philosophy. Rather than disguising the breakage, kintsugi restores the broken item incorporating the damage into the aesthetic of the restored item, making it part of the object’s history."
In life aren't we all broken? Broken relationships. Broken friendships. Broken houses. Broken jobs. We try to leave the past behind. Not dwell on it. Focus on the future. Be positive.
But what if the broken pieces are truly beautiful when mended. Shouldn't we give credit to that? The healing. The mending. The chipped fragments of our life that we put together. Instead of discarding it shouldn't we embrace it? Be proud of it? Wear it like a badge of honour rather than hide it away as a past, a regret, a choice we don't want to think about.
We mend our life with "gold"
For me that gold signifies courage, strength, intelligence, positivity. We might be this wonderful pottery that God made. That was broken with life and healed with gold.
Kintsugi.
An art...of living life with honour.