Why Do Women Keep Silent?

The other day I was at the airport when I noticed an obnoxious older man with a pretty, young woman. I use the term obnoxious because he was cursing the woman for no reason, calling her stupid, idiotic and utterly childish. 

My flight got delayed and I was having a coffee while the couple who were apparently on the same flight, were sitting behind me having a drink. While the man got drunk, he became more obnoxious. The woman tried to have a conversation with him in low tones and all I could hear was, “I can’t believe you can be so dumb.” And “I really can’t understand why you’re so stupid. I mean seriously you have no brains or what?” The woman didn't say anything and looked away most of the time, fiddling with her hair and sipping her drink while I was seething with rage. “Why are you keeping quiet woman?” I wanted to yell out but stopped myself as boarding was announced.

A few days later I went to a party where a husband verbally abused his wife in front of all of us. He said things like “Don’t eat that or you’ll get fat again!” And very often, “Oh she has no sense of style. I buy all her clothes.” And even things like “She was nothing till I married her. Now look how high class she pretends to be.” The wife just smiled and drank green tea because her husband hadn't allowed her to have a glass of wine. 

Why did she keep quiet? And again all I said to him was, “I think she’s amazing. With or without you.” But I figured he didn't care and she wasn't bothered.

Why do women keep silent in abusive relationships? Do they feel that because a man doesn't hit them, that there is no abuse? Is it because as a species we've been taught to be subservient? “Be adjusting. Be accommodating. Don’t pick fights. A man is everything in your life. He will give you status and security. Forgive him his faults. All men are like that only.”

The women in question were pretty, strong, and educated. So why do so many intelligent women keep silent at this abuse?

Because we were taught to do so.

Because somewhere we doubt our own capabilities. We are insecure of our potential. We've been told, taught and have imbibed that it’s a man’s world and we won’t be able to succeed without the help of a man. A drunken partner is better than no partner at all. Being single is worse than being in a dead marriage. Be a good woman and look after your partner – feed him, clean his house, look after his needs, keep him happy. If you keep quiet, the abuse goes away.

But let me tell you. It doesn't. 

The abuse never goes away. 

It comes in small lethal doses over time eroding your confidence and belief. And women suffer in silence, living in misery, self-doubt, depression and in delusion thinking their lives are good enough.

But the most important reason why women keep silent is because they’re LAZY. Yes. They don’t want to upset the “system” of having to explain to their families why they broke up, having to deal with friends looking at them as if it was their fault it didn’t work out and having to work hard at earning a living because the man at some level gives them money to do whatever they need. 

“Arrey I can buy whatever I want and he travels often. That’s good enough for me. At least he’s not slapping me.”

Stopping the abuse starts from YOU. Stop being CLINGY, LETHARGIC, LANGUID, SLUGGISH, INDOLENT.

This is what it means to be empowered. To do something for yourself. That’s YOUR CHOICE.

Stand up for yourself and tell him to “Shut up!” Tell him to take his own plate to the kitchen. Tell him what you want him to do for you instead of the other way around. 

Be strong. Be brave. Be bold. Be brilliant. 

And be powerful enough to leave the man to live your life the way you were chosen to do if he continues to abuse you. 

You are not the weaker sex. Stop behaving so. Have the courage to not be silent.

Speak up!

My Views on #VogueEmpower Videos

First of all I want to say I’m all for women empowerment. I completely agree that it is a woman’s choice to get married, have a child, wear whatever she wants and choose her life and decisions.

Vogue’s empowerment campaigns though leave me a little confused.

For example the first video "Going Home" https://youtu.be/0EDJxs1yJrQ was of Alia Bhatt getting into a car full of male strangers and going home safely. 

I love Alia. But I don’t get the campaign. Yes we need to make our streets safe. But don’t we also need to teach our girls and women to be aware, be safe, be bold, be vigilant, be smart. 

Maybe that video should have been about Alia getting out, fixing her car, holding a wrench when a car full of men drives up and says, “Thanks but I got it covered.” And that should have ended with #Mychoice to be bold, my choice to be brave, my choice to change the world.

Vogue’s 2^nd empowerment video "Start With The Boys" https://youtu.be/0Nj99epLFqg was of men being told not to cry. "Ladke nahin rote hain." 

And then in the end we see a man hurting his wife/ partner and the very lovely Madhuri Dixit comes and says “Aadmi rulate bhi toh nahin hai.”

Huh?

What has that got to do the empowerment or have any relation? What did that video actually want to do? So men who don’t cry will hurt their wives? And men who do will be pansies? Whaaa?

In fact the video should have Madhuri Dixit saying, “It’s ok for men to cry. Take a woman’s support because we can give our shoulders to you too.”

Men should be sensitive. Men should cry. And women should understand that. Women should raise their sons to cry and feel and talk and discuss and that’s how you will have a generation of men who will express their feelings to their wives and girlfriends and never have misunderstandings! Yes they shouldn’t hurt women. But you’re not teaching that by this video.

So let’s come to Deepika’s video. https://youtu.be/KtPv7IEhWRA

Yes I know there are 99 women in it. But it’s her voice and Homi’s vision. So while my Whatsapp groups are having massive debates on how beautiful it is and how it is always a woman’s choice to live life her way I have a few issues with this video and script.

First of all what the hell does “my odour, your anarchy” mean? Or for that matter many other phrases. And what's with this photo of Deepika in boxing gloves with a man looking so pitiful? 
I know plenty of great men who give their partners unconditional support and love. And all it takes for the woman is to help them understand what they need instead of screaming "Mychoice at them. 
Also empowerment is not about making men succumb to your every whim and fancy and boxing them to make them understand your view point. 

Yes it is a woman’s choice as I’ve said in the beginning but let’s talk about EMPOWERMENT for a second.

How does 99 privileged women with hair flying across the screen with a voice over of bindi, odour, sex have anything to do with the common woman and her empowerment?

I would change the video in 4 ways:

1. Had a mix of languages that women across the country speak. We have 30 languages. Why only English?

2. Get a mix of ordinary women with just a few celebs from different careers like a Chanda Kochchar or Indra Nooyi who can say “Don’t judge me because I’ve worked hard to be here.”

3. Get men who also believe in empowerment. Not all men are horrible people who will rape, criticise, judge and slander women. Have men in the video saying, “I’m a feminist.” And “I believe all men and women are equal.” “I will protect you because we need to change the world together.”

4. Take everyday situations to depict how we need empowerment.

For example a woman driving a car who says “Don’t judge me because I am a woman driver.”

A woman employee who is wearing what she likes and says, “I don’t need to sleep my way to the top. I’m smart enough. Don’t judge me.”  

A housewife who says, “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight. I’m not having an affair! Don’t judge me.”

A girl who wants to give up her job and get married, “I believe in love and want to be a mother. Don’t judge me if I give up my job!”

A woman who is overweight and says, “I am a National Award winner. And you’re still judging me on my weight?”

A village woman who will say in her language with subtitle below, “I refuse to have more than one child. I am not barren. Don’t judge me.”

I believe in empowerment. I believe these are the voices that need to be heard from women AND men across the country. Speaking sentences that resonate. That make sense. That we can agree with. That will raise a debate on how we can change our thinking. And truly become empowered. 

Violence Against Women: "She deserved it."

“She deserved it,” the man said with venom and took a sip of his drink. His friend looked at him and asked, “How?”

The man replied, “She’s been doing everything to rile me up, man. She doesn’t manage a house, she barely looks after the kids, she spends all my money. Then when I ask her anything, she shrugs her shoulders and doesn’t reply. She even denies me sex. Me! Her husband. How can she do that? I married the bitch so I could get sex whenever I wanted. And she says no to me!”

“Dude, that’s no way to talk about your wife,” said the friend, “She’s not a toy. She has feelings. If you don’t respect her, love her or pamper her, why would she want to have sex with you? Women are different. They need someone who will talk to them about their day. Not someone who will tell them to drop their clothes when he walks through the door.”

The man at the bar began to shout, “I’m an IIT and an IIM graduate. I can get sex anywhere! But I’m not unfaithful. She should respect me! Could she have done better than me? I’m the bloody crème de la crème. She was lucky I fell in love with her. She got away easy. Otherwise anyone in her place would have at least given me a car at the wedding.”

The friend looked around to see if anyone else had heard, “You just talked about dowry! That’s evil. It’s illegal.”

The man shook his head. He knew that. It’s just that he felt he should have got something from this marriage. It could be material if it wasn’t sexual.

The friend probed further, “Have you tried talking to her?”

The man looked at him incredulously, “I’ve been working and trying to make a living for us. The fat lout sits at home and looks after the two kids that she insisted on having even though I didn’t want more than one. Now she has no time for us. She is always tired, she doesn’t want to go out, and on top of that she wants me to help around the house, do homework, go for family functions and call up damn friends I’ve not spoken to for years. I’m tired. I earn to give my family a great life. I want to be left alone. Give me my food, leave me to my gym, my TV and give me sex every night. What’s to talk about?”

“Is it only about sex?” The friend asked politely unable to understand.

“No man, she’s not only frigid, she’s mental. I’ve told her time and again she needs therapy. She has to go to a psychiatrist to talk about how she has issues with everything. Her dad has enough money to pay for it. She needs to go to the gym too. I’ve told her she’s become so fat after two kids. I keep telling her everyday to push her to go. She’s so unattractive. Not the woman I fell in love with.”

The friend nods, “I understand. But don’t you think by constantly telling her to go to a shrink, or to the gym, it’s killing her self esteem? I mean you loved her for what was inside. By calling her unattractive, you lower her confidence. And she may not want to bond with you emotionally or physically.”

The man shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t care. He’s been told by his parents that he’s the best thing that has happened to them and her. He knows that whatever he’s doing is right.

Suddenly he says, “Oh by the way, her aunt came over the other day. Even she was saying that wifey should try harder in this marriage to please me. She could see that I needed to travel for months for my projects. She tried to explain to her niece to be more patient and understanding. So see, it’s not only I who keeps telling her. Her family also reiterates it.”

The friend is even more shocked. He’s heard enough. “Why don’t you just get a divorce if you hate her so much?”

“Divorce? Why? She just needs to adjust to me. I don’t want to tell everyone in the office or my family that we’re divorced. It affects your career growth. I have to answer to my mother. Then again, she’ll try to get me married. Useless cycle of weddings again.” The man asked the bartender to pour him another shot of whiskey, as he got further drunk. “I can easily have an affair and she won’t even come to know. I delete all my messages. I don’t keep any pictures. I’m a smooth operator. In fact two evenings ago, I kissed the marketing trainee who wanted to learn from me. She is super hot.”

The friend refused another drink. He knew his limits. He had to go home to his live in girlfriend. Not once did he think that he had been “providing” for her by paying the rent. She had her own account and paid for the household expenses whenever she chose to. There was no compulsion. It was a respectful relationship where they had conversations daily, vacations occasionally and arguments hardly. Nevertheless, he was worried that he may turn into his best friend who was quite drunk and had exposed a side that was quite violent. He may never have hit his wife, but he had been cruel to her by thinking extremely repressive and regressive thoughts. If her aunt had reiterated the “Sita syndrome” where a wife has to go through everything her husband tells her to, then her family was also enforcing the violence against her.

He needed to break the pattern. The woman couldn’t do it alone. She needed support.

So he tried talking one last time to his friend, “Sam, you’re an ass. You’re throwing away a great marriage, wonderful kids and the opportunity to grow old with someone for a hot intern who cares less about you than she does about her lunch. Just because your parents told you that you’re God’s gift to women doesn’t mean it’s true. They lied. You need to stop travelling, stop treating your wife as a piece of meat and talk to her. Switch off from your world and focus on hers. She needs support in the house. Just because she isn’t working doesn’t mean you get to treat her with disrespect. She is managing a house and your kids. And even if your didn’t want them, they’re yours. She gave that gift to you. And when you’re old, they will look after you, not your colleagues. Her aunt, is a dumb ass. She probably has watched too many soaps to think differently. Give more Sam. Give your time. Give your money. Worship your wife. She’s not unattractive. She’s loving, graceful, smart, funny, and intelligent. Make her feel beautiful and the sex will improve. Don’t give because you might get something back. Give because it makes you happy, because you need to and because you will die a lonely death if you don’t right now. Work goes away. Friends leave you. Your parents will die. And your cousins will have families of their own. The only person who you can turn to is your partner, your soul mate. Don’t try to improve her. She’s not mental. Everyone has issues. A spouse hears your issues. She may be suffering from post partum depression. She needs love. Stop being selfish. And even if you get married again, if you don’t change yourself, who you are as of right now, you will have the same problems with the new woman as well!”

The friend completed his speech, got up, and walked out of the bar. He realized that maybe nothing of what he said would get through to his friend but at least he had tried. However, the violence was so deep seated that it would take more than a pep talk; it would take a shift in mindset.

We can probably see and recover from physical violence. Mental violence scars us for life. Women do not know if they should stay in a marriage where they’re forced to have sex, where they feel undermined, belittled, tossed aside. Society, parents, offices do not encourage a woman who chooses to walk out of a violent marriage. People don’t like talking about domestic issues.

A Few facts:

·         In 2011 over 12 lakh people committed suicide.

·         22,172 cases of rape were recorded in 2010.

·          8.9% of the total victims of Rape were girls under 14 years of age, while 16.1% were teenage girls (14-18 years) and 57.4% were women in the age-group 18-30 years.

·         There are more than 1000 “honour killings” in India every year.

·         1 in 5 women are suffering from depression in India right now.

·         Forced bonded labour/ human trafficking affect 65 million Indians.

Our society needs to help each other. We need to start talking about it. Otherwise the violence will never end.

Also published on CNN-IBN Blog: http://ibnlive.in.com/group-blog/one-billion-rising/2956/mental-violence-scars-women-for-life/64321.html