Friday, December 3, 2010

Fat, Fit, Lipo and Cellulite: A woman’s angst with her body.



No woman is happy with her body. No one. Not even the ones who say they are. They always think they can either take off a little from here and there or put on a little from here and there. But no one actually believes in their heart of hearts that they’re “perfect”. No, not even the Victoria’s Secret models.
And here’s where my problem lies. It’s because of those little V models that the rest of us are having angst. They’re putting those types on covers of magazines and we’re all buying those magazines and wishing we were different.

My story starts 25 years ago.
It was one day when I lost the 4th grade spelling bee and my teacher took me out for some ice-cream. When I came back home, my mother gave me some chocolate cake. And that evening my father supported me by getting me some gulab jamuns. All wonderful people. With a lot of “support”.
That support translated into me reaching for that brownie every time I failed at something in life. And failure is and always will be a part of life.

So here’s the thing..I’m fat. No, no let’s not beat about the bush. I truly am one of those overweight people who should not reach for that piece of chocolate after lunch. I should be executing all those valuable tips from Cosmo about weight loss and exercising. But that’s not me.

I hate exercising. I hate the gym.

I only go so I can look like one of those Victoria Secret’s supermodels. And I’ve lived in that hope for the last 25 years. Hope. The only thing that gets our fat asses out of bed and onto that ugh treadmill. Hope that the piece of chocolate we know is not good for us doesn’t give us cellulite. Hope that our binging last night won’t lead to a tire in a few months. Hope that when we step on that scale, it’ll magically read more to the left than right.
Hope, my friends is the most dangerous thing. But it’s the thing that sells the most.

So today I didn’t give my daughter that cake as a feel -better- soon `support’ because she didn’t win the colouring contest. I didn’t give it to her as a reward for her good behaviour either. I will probably give it to her because she is allowed to enjoy it once in a while along with her healthy food. I don’t elucidate about how thin Cinderella was even though the fairy tales only show women with long hair and thin waists. And I hope she realizes that life is not a fairy tale.

As for me, I was the captain of the Thundering Thigh Brigade in school. It never changed 25 years later. I’m waiting for Liposuction to go on sale. I’m waiting for gyms to be banned. I’m waiting for that piece of chocolate that converts fat to fit. I’m waiting for cellulite to be fashionable. I wait in Hope.

And till then, I’ll still hate my body. But I won’t care too much about it on a day to day basis. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

How to Get Over a Break Up


First of all I think the hardest thing in the world is to have a relationship. To get into it, to maintain it and then to realize that you have invested all your energies and time and years into something that you now feel is not going anywhere. Never mind that you don’t know where it should be going. You know that it is the end. So it’s time. It’s time to let go and break up. You’ve said those angry words, you’ve said the goodbyes and slammed down the phone. You’ve had the teary farewell. Now what? Let’s list them out.

1.   Move. Really. If you can’t move countries, move cities. Ok you can’t move because your work is there, go stay somewhere where you feel pampered. Rent out a hotel room for a few nights and live luxuriously…and don’t call your ex and try to get them to visit.
2.   Travel. Take a vacation. Not just for 1 day but for a whole week and weekend. Go preferably far away from everything that reminds you of that person. Somewhere where neither of you ever wanted to go… so you do it alone. Take a friend if you have to and if no one agrees, just do it alone. Ok it takes money but what have you been saving for anyway? What better time than now? Take the sick leaves from your company and go.
3.   Get a makeover. This sounds clichéd and doesn’t really help. After you’ve got the hair cut and bought the new clothes, you’ll go back to feeling low since you’ll want to show it to your ex and that’s just a bad idea. So get a makeover for your soul. Join a class that you would generally not do so - Bollywood dancing, pole dancing, art of living, yoga, or better yet boxing, karate and wrestling. Anything that takes you away from the normal and where you can meet new people while venting out your frustration.
4.   Casual Sex. Yes. Yes. Let us all be morally offended by the idea but we all know that the best way to get over a person is to get under another one. Be safe and all that, but go ahead and feel happy that at least a part of you is satisfied. Wink wink.
5.   Eat Cabbage. Here’s why - While that brownie and vodka will make you feel better now, it won’t do anything for you tomorrow or day after. And one day you will look at yourself in the mirror and be horrified with what that person has done to you. Because after all you were doing it because of them. And then you’ll be depressed. No use. Don’t say the s word (salad) It’ll make you feel like you’re on a diet. But eat the cabbage.
6.   If you feel the need to talk to them, send text messages, chat, do all the things you’ve been doing for so long, then write the notes on separate pages of a diary or notebook. There’s a diary online that you can pen down your thoughts every time you feel like ventilating. You can even make it public and let the rest of share in your thoughts! Do not pick up that phone.
7.   Get a pet. Pets distract. I would have said have a baby since that’s the best form of mind-boggling work, but that would take 9 months and a person…so forget that and get a pet. Fish don’t count.
8.   Find a friend. No I do not meet call your best friends and whine to them again. They’ve heard it all and frankly are bored with your relationship. Find a friend online. Join Internet groups. There’s a whole world out there of whiny people who can sympathize with you. And who knows, one of them might be The One!
9.   Watch a movie every night. No, not a romantic one. Make it a point to keep yourself busy post work. Go watch it alone. Make friends with the popcorn man. Watch every movie and every play there is in town. Then rent dvds and watch them back-to-back till you’re tired and fall asleep. Pretty soon you’ll realize that you don’t have the urge to pick up the phone and call that person.
10.           Renovate your house. There’s nothing more distracting than having painters, carpenters and builders working at your place asking for suggestions. Go shopping for new things for the house. At the end, you will have a beautiful new home where you can invite all those new friends and share new energies with. You know I’m always ready ;)

Unhealed


My broken heart is not going to heal
Let it be
This pain is not going to go away
Let it be.
I don’t need that pastry
I don’t want that sympathy
All I want is to
Let it be.

I know all the reasoning
I know all the things I’m supposed to feel
I’ve read all the books that tell me
Time will make it heal…
But for now, all I want is to
Let it be.

I don’t want to move on
I don’t want to linger back
I want to hold on
But I know the truth.
Nothing is going to change
Nothing is going to improve
So for now, all I want is to
Let it be.

I’ve tried and tried
To fight all the negativity
I’ve prayed and prayed
For all that strength
I’ve wished and wished
For life to be better
And I know I have to just
Let it be.

It’s a done deal
We know in our heart of hearts
It’s sad but a true thing
That our lives are drifting apart
I can’t say any more
There’s already so much said
So all we can hope for..is to
Let it be.

I promise you this
I will always love you
I promise you this
You can count on me
I’m not the best at goodbyes.
I’m not good at all
So let’s not call this what it really is
Let’s for now
Let it be. 

Love


My name is Love.

And I’m here to clear some misconceptions about me. I know I haven’t spoken for myself ever before but I think the time has come for me to stand up for myself. You see, people have said my name countless times in their lives without really understanding me.

Let me start by saying, I’m old. I’m over a zillion hundred years old. I was conceived not when Adam bit the apple, but when the Universe was born. I was along with my twin brother Truth. And I have molded myself to be a speck in each and every living organism.. be it plant, animal or human.

So yes I age.

When you were 2 years old, I was there as your mother. When you were 10, I was there as your crush. And through the years I have danced at the parties, I’ve been the one who has gone on those long drives, those holidays with family, and the occasions you remember fondly. Because when you remember me, you will remember me fondly. I was not there when you had those fights, when you hurt yourself and when you were in doubt. My twin brother was.

And through the years you must realize I cannot be the same.

I grow old with you.

Just as you collect that little bit of adipose tissue and that extra grey, so do I. I cannot go dancing anymore to prove myself. I would rather do what you truly want to do. Even if it means doing nothing. I would rather do new things. And you don’t have to worry, I’m not going anywhere.

Yes, I’m not going anywhere. I’m always there for you. Don’t question my faith and don’t go seeking me. I’m there beside you. I’m an energy that is around you, within you, for you. I’m a tiny spec of a molecule and as big as mountain. I’m an aura. I’m light. I’m everything you need… if you believe. I am there with you.

So I’m asking for a favour…. I’m asking you to let me be.

Don’t push and shove me. Don’t drag me out just so your ego can feel happy. Don’t play games using my name and please don’t ask me to turn up or down my age and be something you were ten yeas ago.
If you truly honour me, remember the times fondly and cherish what I give you today. I might not give you exactly what you want, but I’ll look after you today. I don’t know who is in your future. I can’t predict time. All I know is that I will be a part of your life in every birth, in every Universe, in every level. I cannot vouch for anyone else; I can only vouch for myself.

So believe that today will be ok. Because I’m there.

Take my name in the songs that you sing, the art that you make, and the smile on your lips. Take it because you believe it. Take it when there is nothing else left. Say it out loud.

 I am LOVE.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

50 Random Things about Me

Question #1: Are you a morning or night person?
Night
Question #2: Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?
Sweet. Chocolate anything.
Question #3: Ninjas or pirates?
Pirates
Question #4: Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.
Johnny Depp.
Question #5: Autobots or Decepticons?
What?
Question #6: What was your favorite childhood television program?
The Wonder Years
Question #7: Are you a collector of anything?
Adipose tissue
Question #8: If you could be any animal, what would you be?
A bird to shit on ppl and fly away :)
Question #9: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
To change space time continuum like Hiro!
Question #10: What is usually your first thought when you wake up?
Kissing my child.
Question #11: What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?
The book I'm reading
Question #12: What's your favorite color?
Red.
Question #13: What's your favorite animal?
Tiger
Question #14: Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?
Extraterrestrails on this planet yes.
Question #15: Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes. I'm an old scaredy cat.
Question #16: Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?
No.
Question #17: You're given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?
You know what's cool? 1 billion dollars!
Question #18: Have any bad habits?
Lots.
Question #19: Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?
My impatience. My anger. My laziness.
Question #20: List 3 of your best personality traits:
My sense of humour, um...that's it.
Question #21: List 3 of your worst personality traits:
Same as bad habits
Question #22: Have any celebrity crushes?
Will Smith
Question #23: List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:
I wish I was taller, thinner and richer :)
Question #24: Any tattoos or piercings?
Do earrings count?
Question #25: What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?
His wonderful smile
Question #26: What personality traits do you look for in a partner?
Hygiene, humour, attentiveness, intelligence
Question #27: What personality traits do you dislike in other people?
Rudeness, body odour, boring, fickle
Question #28: Are you mostly a clean or messy person?Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?
Clean, clean, clean
Question #29: Are you mostly a clean or messy person?
Clean
Question #30: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
New York, Barcelona, Mumbai.
Question #31: If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Inside the head of all famous directors
Question #32: List 5 goals on your life's to-do list:
No answer
Question #33: Name 1 regret you have:
None.
Question #34: Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:
To eat what you like and not count calories.
Question #35: Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:
I can tell ppl about a thing or two.
Question #36: What's your favorite song of the moment?
Afterglow
Question #37: What's your favorite song of all time?
Forever Young - Joan Baez
Question #38: What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?
Read a book
Question #39: What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?
Sleep
Question #40: Have any hidden talents?
Lots ;)
Question #41: You're about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?
Penne arrabiatta, pancakes, kosha mangsho, dark chocolate cake
Question #42: What would be your dream job?
To be paid to travel the world to write, eat, and take photos.
Question #43: Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?
100 million dollars.I cd buy love with that.
Question #44: If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?
Win the Nobel Prize, Win the Booker Prize, Win an Oscar
Question #45: Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?
No.
Question #46: Name 1 thing not many people know about you:
I'm very shy.
Question #47: If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?
Queen Victoria
Question #48: Do you believe in the afterlife?
No. Reincarnation...maybe.
Question #49: On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies?
I love cookies. An abortion is a personal choice.

A husband’s plea to his wife

Dear Wifey,
Let me start by saying, I love you. I really do. And even though it’s been a while.. ok years that I’ve said it, I mean it. Most of the times. Ok sometimes. Which is why I want you to understand and know a few things about our marriage and me. I think somewhere we’ve forgotten about that - me and us. So let me remind you.
1.   I never want to talk about us. I really don’t. It’s all in your head. Please sort out whatever issues you have about our romance or what we shd be doing and where we shd go. I’m fine as we are.
2.   Please do not do the dishes. Please don’t over work yourself when the bai is not there. Seriously. I’m not just saying that so you will be more rested, it’s because I don’t want to do the work. I think we both know that once you start working, you’ll expect me to “pitch in” and I really don’t want to. Just wait till she gets back. And we’re not going to die with dust or dirty dishes piling up. And btw - I earn so I can keep a maid, not to be one.
3.   I might not always want to have sex. It is not because I don’t love you or don’t find you attractive; it’s just that I may actually be tired. I’ve been driving in traffic for hours and working for a shit hole boss. So excuse me if I’m not in the mood for sex and would rather watch reruns of Friends. Maybe that relaxes me more.
4.   I am not having an affair. I repeat, I am not having an affair. If I were, it would probably be with Adriana Lima. Yes I have her wallpaper…and a lot of porn stashed in a file in my laptop…but I’m not having an affair. It’s too much time, effort and money that goes into making another woman happy for sex, which really isn’t worth the effort anymore.
5.   Please do not compare me with any of your previous boyfriends, your father, your next door neighbour or even your best friend’s husband. It doesn’t make me feel nice. I am doing a lot for you. Ok maybe not as much as you want, not as much as you like, not as much as you hoped for…but somewhere I must be doing the basic minimum for you to be sticking on. And babe, this is the best you’re gonna get. So take it and smile!
6.   Nagging doesn’t help. I will shower when I feel like it. I will wear clothes from when I was 15. I will download porn and use it. I will not listen to your music! Really you can’t change me now. So stop trying.
7.   I need guys’ night out. Regularly. No it’s not a cliché. I just feel like drinking once in a while in a loud bar where I can… as you call it, “just be!”
8.   I don’t believe in romance. I never have. Yeah yeah, while we were dating I did all those things to get you into bed.. But honey, it don’t matter no more! I will bring you the flowers when you’re angry, hoping we’ll have make up sex. And I’ll bring the present on your birthday hoping for a lil birthday booty but for the rest of the 363 days, don’t expect it.
9.   Playstation is my birthright and I shall have it. Wouldn’t you rather have me playing games on my Wii through the night than be out in an “office party”? Exactly! So let me go buy one pleaseee…
10.           I am great with kids and I’m great with dogs. Pick one. Not both. I’m not good at multitasking.
11.           You do not need to spend so much money on frivolous things. I do not care if you wear the same shirt everyday. If your friends care so much, find a new group, preferably one who walk around in monochromatic robes.
12.           Do not correct me at parties. I like to strut. I like to show off. I want a push from my lil wifey to support me. Not someone who giggles profusely when I mention anything substantial like how well I’m doing at work.
13.           If you have to ask me if you’re looking fat, you probably are. That doesn’t mean I won’t have sex with you. That doesn’t mean I will look at other girls…cos I will still do that anyway…it means that maybe you need to polish yourself up for yourself. You don’t need to do it for me.
14.           I love to eat. When we go to a restaurant, please do not be on your stupid diet that you will break when we get back home anyway. I need to order 3 different dishes so we can share so I have my choices. If you have salad, then the whole thing goes to waste. Why do you think I married a non-vegetarian? So we could be food compatible if nothing else!
15.           Our marriage will be quid pro quo when it comes to family functions. If you drag me to some religious do to meet your entire boring family who speak in a language I don’t understand, I’m going to drag you to my ugly aunt’s wedding where you will have to touch the smelly feet of everyone till your back aches. Got it?

So darling, do me a favour...Love and let me be.

Your faithful husband FOREVER!!!!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Disclaimer:

This blog is not supposed to impress, inspire, inform, encourage, or promote anything. This blog is not meant to make you laugh, cry or any of the other emotions that we all freely have nowdays and really shouldn't be flaunting in public. However, if it does, the onus is completely on you to take what you want from it. Please don't criticize it. No one likes criticism, constructive or otherwise. This blog may contain inappropriate language so children should be warned to get an approval from their parents to read it. If however your parents are not around, don't tell them. This blog may contain words in English, Hindi, Hinglish, Bengali, Marathi, Spanish and any other dialects if it makes sense to me. Even if it doesn't make sense, it might be there. This blog will contain enormous amounts of cribbing, questioning, slandering, swearing, loving, orgasming, hating and other ings on many subjects. Please feel free to add wherever you feel necessary. Pictures will only be put up if I look good in them. I won't be putting pics of random people even if I love/hate them.
Without further ado, let us begin.
Achcha ruko. Sochne to do.

Letter from a Hogwarts Teacher to Hermione

My daughter Ariaana is a big Harry Potter fan. For her summer holidays she's gone to spend time with her grandparents. So I thought I...