Let me start by saying, I love you. I really do. And even though it’s been a while.. ok years that I’ve said it, I mean it. Most of the times. Ok sometimes. Which is why I want you to understand and know a few things about our marriage and me. I think somewhere we’ve forgotten about that - me and us. So let me remind you.
1. I never want to talk about us. I really don’t. It’s all in your head. Please sort out whatever issues you have about our romance or what we shd be doing and where we shd go. I’m fine as we are.
2. Please do not do the dishes. Please don’t over work yourself when the bai is not there. Seriously. I’m not just saying that so you will be more rested, it’s because I don’t want to do the work. I think we both know that once you start working, you’ll expect me to “pitch in” and I really don’t want to. Just wait till she gets back. And we’re not going to die with dust or dirty dishes piling up. And btw - I earn so I can keep a maid, not to be one.
3. I might not always want to have sex. It is not because I don’t love you or don’t find you attractive; it’s just that I may actually be tired. I’ve been driving in traffic for hours and working for a shit hole boss. So excuse me if I’m not in the mood for sex and would rather watch reruns of Friends. Maybe that relaxes me more.
4. I am not having an affair. I repeat, I am not having an affair. If I were, it would probably be with Adriana Lima. Yes I have her wallpaper…and a lot of porn stashed in a file in my laptop…but I’m not having an affair. It’s too much time, effort and money that goes into making another woman happy for sex, which really isn’t worth the effort anymore.
5. Please do not compare me with any of your previous boyfriends, your father, your next door neighbour or even your best friend’s husband. It doesn’t make me feel nice. I am doing a lot for you. Ok maybe not as much as you want, not as much as you like, not as much as you hoped for…but somewhere I must be doing the basic minimum for you to be sticking on. And babe, this is the best you’re gonna get. So take it and smile!
6. Nagging doesn’t help. I will shower when I feel like it. I will wear clothes from when I was 15. I will download porn and use it. I will not listen to your music! Really you can’t change me now. So stop trying.
7. I need guys’ night out. Regularly. No it’s not a cliché. I just feel like drinking once in a while in a loud bar where I can… as you call it, “just be!”
8. I don’t believe in romance. I never have. Yeah yeah, while we were dating I did all those things to get you into bed.. But honey, it don’t matter no more! I will bring you the flowers when you’re angry, hoping we’ll have make up sex. And I’ll bring the present on your birthday hoping for a lil birthday booty but for the rest of the 363 days, don’t expect it.
9. Playstation is my birthright and I shall have it. Wouldn’t you rather have me playing games on my Wii through the night than be out in an “office party”? Exactly! So let me go buy one pleaseee…
10. I am great with kids and I’m great with dogs. Pick one. Not both. I’m not good at multitasking.
11. You do not need to spend so much money on frivolous things. I do not care if you wear the same shirt everyday. If your friends care so much, find a new group, preferably one who walk around in monochromatic robes.
12. Do not correct me at parties. I like to strut. I like to show off. I want a push from my lil wifey to support me. Not someone who giggles profusely when I mention anything substantial like how well I’m doing at work.
13. If you have to ask me if you’re looking fat, you probably are. That doesn’t mean I won’t have sex with you. That doesn’t mean I will look at other girls…cos I will still do that anyway…it means that maybe you need to polish yourself up for yourself. You don’t need to do it for me.
14. I love to eat. When we go to a restaurant, please do not be on your stupid diet that you will break when we get back home anyway. I need to order 3 different dishes so we can share so I have my choices. If you have salad, then the whole thing goes to waste. Why do you think I married a non-vegetarian? So we could be food compatible if nothing else!
15. Our marriage will be quid pro quo when it comes to family functions. If you drag me to some religious do to meet your entire boring family who speak in a language I don’t understand, I’m going to drag you to my ugly aunt’s wedding where you will have to touch the smelly feet of everyone till your back aches. Got it?
So darling, do me a favour...Love and let me be.
Your faithful husband FOREVER!!!!