A husband’s plea to his wife

Dear Wifey,
Let me start by saying, I love you. I really do. And even though it’s been a while.. ok years that I’ve said it, I mean it. Most of the times. Ok sometimes. Which is why I want you to understand and know a few things about our marriage and me. I think somewhere we’ve forgotten about that - me and us. So let me remind you.
1.   I never want to talk about us. I really don’t. It’s all in your head. Please sort out whatever issues you have about our romance or what we shd be doing and where we shd go. I’m fine as we are.
2.   Please do not do the dishes. Please don’t over work yourself when the bai is not there. Seriously. I’m not just saying that so you will be more rested, it’s because I don’t want to do the work. I think we both know that once you start working, you’ll expect me to “pitch in” and I really don’t want to. Just wait till she gets back. And we’re not going to die with dust or dirty dishes piling up. And btw - I earn so I can keep a maid, not to be one.
3.   I might not always want to have sex. It is not because I don’t love you or don’t find you attractive; it’s just that I may actually be tired. I’ve been driving in traffic for hours and working for a shit hole boss. So excuse me if I’m not in the mood for sex and would rather watch reruns of Friends. Maybe that relaxes me more.
4.   I am not having an affair. I repeat, I am not having an affair. If I were, it would probably be with Adriana Lima. Yes I have her wallpaper…and a lot of porn stashed in a file in my laptop…but I’m not having an affair. It’s too much time, effort and money that goes into making another woman happy for sex, which really isn’t worth the effort anymore.
5.   Please do not compare me with any of your previous boyfriends, your father, your next door neighbour or even your best friend’s husband. It doesn’t make me feel nice. I am doing a lot for you. Ok maybe not as much as you want, not as much as you like, not as much as you hoped for…but somewhere I must be doing the basic minimum for you to be sticking on. And babe, this is the best you’re gonna get. So take it and smile!
6.   Nagging doesn’t help. I will shower when I feel like it. I will wear clothes from when I was 15. I will download porn and use it. I will not listen to your music! Really you can’t change me now. So stop trying.
7.   I need guys’ night out. Regularly. No it’s not a cliché. I just feel like drinking once in a while in a loud bar where I can… as you call it, “just be!”
8.   I don’t believe in romance. I never have. Yeah yeah, while we were dating I did all those things to get you into bed.. But honey, it don’t matter no more! I will bring you the flowers when you’re angry, hoping we’ll have make up sex. And I’ll bring the present on your birthday hoping for a lil birthday booty but for the rest of the 363 days, don’t expect it.
9.   Playstation is my birthright and I shall have it. Wouldn’t you rather have me playing games on my Wii through the night than be out in an “office party”? Exactly! So let me go buy one pleaseee…
10.           I am great with kids and I’m great with dogs. Pick one. Not both. I’m not good at multitasking.
11.           You do not need to spend so much money on frivolous things. I do not care if you wear the same shirt everyday. If your friends care so much, find a new group, preferably one who walk around in monochromatic robes.
12.           Do not correct me at parties. I like to strut. I like to show off. I want a push from my lil wifey to support me. Not someone who giggles profusely when I mention anything substantial like how well I’m doing at work.
13.           If you have to ask me if you’re looking fat, you probably are. That doesn’t mean I won’t have sex with you. That doesn’t mean I will look at other girls…cos I will still do that anyway…it means that maybe you need to polish yourself up for yourself. You don’t need to do it for me.
14.           I love to eat. When we go to a restaurant, please do not be on your stupid diet that you will break when we get back home anyway. I need to order 3 different dishes so we can share so I have my choices. If you have salad, then the whole thing goes to waste. Why do you think I married a non-vegetarian? So we could be food compatible if nothing else!
15.           Our marriage will be quid pro quo when it comes to family functions. If you drag me to some religious do to meet your entire boring family who speak in a language I don’t understand, I’m going to drag you to my ugly aunt’s wedding where you will have to touch the smelly feet of everyone till your back aches. Got it?

So darling, do me a favour...Love and let me be.

Your faithful husband FOREVER!!!!

Comments

Ayesha said…
Loved this post :D. Husbands...they are all the same, sigh!
Ya, and I wrote it cos I understand them better than they do.:)
Anonymous said…
lols! serious amount- B
kuldeepk said…
Very well written. Cheers!!
Wish every woman had your perspective..
BT said…
Most of the things that you have written is true... I wish I could bluntly say all these things to my wife. But that would upset her, and thats I what I don't wanna do.

BTW I am planning to read your book, though I don't think virginity is such a big issue that someone should write a book on. One of my friend used to say "Virginity is not dignity but lack of opportunity."
Live Love Laugh
Truth Exposed said…
will not be such a husband.........
Avi said…
Wow...amazing stuff !! Point blank...
Leaves me wondering what will the 'wifey's' reaction/ reply ..!
Kumar said…
Haaa. Good one.
Nice post...but why the overempahsis on sex and porn...jus t dont think thats what normal men do, much less married men...
Hemant said…
you expressed everything that men hate to admit when it comes to relationships, in simplest way ... but the best part was u claiming u know better... must say, i don't doubt that !!
Kudos :)
P.S. Awaiting Wifey's response.???
Thanks Hemant.
I write what I observe ;)
Anonymous said…
A lot of what you write goes against the things i taught myself to believe, but somehow I find it a compulsion to seek out and read all your articles. And finally with this post, I could relate. You do speak for both sides. I am trying to get over my fixation over gender roles and stereotypes (which I must have slowly developed over the last few years), and you have begun to help. Thanks.
Nupur said…
Wow.... amazing. makes me feel satisfied that all men are the same and I don't date an exception!!
I try and write for both sides of gender. I can relate to what men go through. That still doesn't stop me from being who i am - a woman ;)
Deepak said…
All husbands are not same... but the way u write is very nice and I always love to read it. :)
Shy said…
Good attempt.. but I don't totally agree with what you have written. I have also seen men and no they always are Not the same.

Good effort. Keep going.
vikram said…
Madhuri(can I call u that), sounds good but.

Don't u think this husband of yours, I mean not the real one, is too bohemian. I don't think relationships in India are so freaked out, or are they? Old fashioned. maybe!

Liked this post as always.
sunjay said…
well! speechless as usual, but this time I feel like U r antihusband. afterall not all hubbys are so like. so I am giving U 3/5.. Gn
Of course all relationships are not the same, and not all husbands are alike. That's why women get into second and third marriages. In the hope of finding something that comes close to their idea of perfect.
I'm sure all the men here are kind souls who do a lot in the house besides giving their money to run it. And I hope they are bringing up their sons to be helpful as well.
Cheers
Madhuri
trumatter said…
This article was for men, right? You are a writer so yeah, loved reading it from a man's perspective. You know, being me, I would have shortened the whole thing into one line: "Wifey, let's have a convenient relationship".

Guys in here who can sympathize with this situation, come on, be cute and do yourself a favor. Get a divorce coz if you are feeling like this your wife do not love you. She definitely doesn't.

Cheers.
Nishant said…
that was humorous... But that is probably true with almost all husbands.... Very very nicely put... Loved it
Jerri said…
Oh GOD!!! so there are some girls who can "understand" :) ... good post
Anonymous said…
Funny collection, read similar b4 and probably reading ur original/version now. ~60% truth, ~40% exaggeration. Looking forward to read the book for plot and laughter!

For fun what u right is a possibility, but Not sure one should stereotype even 51% husbands such... I tend to agree with Vikram and Sunjay. I have closely observed many desi-couples (in India and USA) and noticed they all have their mixed-bags of roses and thorns (more or less) to survive & trouble each other. Unfortunately Having a Wife/Women is a "~necessity" in Indian society, hence more problems and jokes.. But reality is even worse for many for variety of reasons.. Things r changing but they will get worse b4 they get better... I wish I can write a book on that :) & :( - A_FireFly
Nitesh.B.Rai said…
this is refreshing stuff...though i'm a bachelor.its so true when its comes to marriage.good one lady..kudos to the writing .simple and subtle.
Amit Karsale said…
subtle use of words and superb flow of writing...
Puneet Sharma said…
Madhuri....a perfectionist must say...read your novel...awesome...struck the chord too loud...your strength being your connection with the masses (us) and beleive i cant wait for another novel coming from your head....gooooo jot down the best....and trust....salute your dark humour making one sensible enuf to make a stand....in btw why need a hot air balloon??? rest every thing was toooooo awesome...kudos...luv Puneet Sharma

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