The Effect of Divorce on Men

It takes a lot to make a commitment in the first place. You’ve found the person of your dreams and you hope that you’ll grow old with them. So when the marriage crumbles and the fabric of this dream of togetherness starts unravelling there are two people who are left bruised and battered. We rarely see it from the husband’s point of view. Here are a few things that are going through a man’s mind when he’s getting a divorce:

1.     What do I do with my Children? - There are many men who are concerned about their children and not being able to wake up in the same house as them. They want to provide for their offspring but they also want time and love from their children. Harish Mukherjee* is in a bitter court battle against his wife who walked out on him with his two kids. She’s only allowing access to them if he hands over the property in which he is living and a fat alimony to look after the children. But Harish can’t give that because he’ll be out on the streets. So he hasn’t seen his kids. He realises that this will affect the children at a deeper level later in the future but he is helpless. For other men they feel that their children will pick sides and before they can do that, the man has moved away so that he doesn’t get hurt. For others they suddenly need to find time for children because it’s not easy to meet them every day. This leaves a sense of imbalance in their life.

2.     What happens to my Finances and Property? – When the man was living with his wife and children, he was looking after one house. But when a divorce happens, he needs to look after two houses, his own where he has shifted if he’s not gone back to staying with his parents and the one where his wife and children are still staying. A wife may also demand property in the settlement and it could cause a massive ego tussle since the man has worked hard to have savings and buy property and he believes his wife wants to snatch that away from him. There is a deep insecurity about how he will save again.

3.     How did I lose my authority? – Most boys grow up to believe that they’ll be the “man of the house.” Hence they have a lot of power and authority at home, especially if it’s a joint family. So when the woman leaves it’s a huge blow to their ego. Divorce Lawyer Swaty Singh Malik says most men who come to her say, “How can she leave me? I can leave her!” Suddenly when they’ve lost the power at home, men find it difficult to concentrate on other aspects in their life and may try to find that power and dominance over others in other spheres, says senior psychologist Gitali Chatterji at Inner Space.

4.     Who will love me again? – As soon as he’s got a divorce, a man may feel free and liberated and date many women. But it isn’t easy for a man to be alone. After a while he realises that his mind set has changed from what it was when he was in his twenties. He is now so used to having a wife and a family that he begins to crave it. Gautam Iyer refused to give his wife a divorce for many years believing that she will get back to him. After he was convinced that she will never return, he promptly signed the legal paper, got on a marriage website and married the first girl he dated.

5.     Why are people judging me? – Most divorces end in ugly battles with the woman filing a 498A or a Domestic Violence case against the husband. And most times it is true. But in the rare cases when it’s not true, the man is automatically judged by his friends, society and the children’s school where gossip flows freely and he is condemned unless proven innocent. Lawyer Swaty Singh Malik says she has handled many cases where the man has just given away crores to the wife to have peace of mind. She said women can use children and the media to get back at the husband and people will be sympathetic towards her. In not so extreme cases, a couple does lose friends. During the course of a marriage, couples begin to meet collectively. When a divorce happens friends choose sides and suddenly a man’s social circle diminishes. For a man who is shy, reserved and has made friends through his wife’s friends, he finds himself alone and friendless.

It’s not easy for men to get a divorce. And even though they may not show it, they are heartbroken and insecure too. Most men should know that there are support groups who can help them in this difficult time. You must also reach out to your family and friends and talk to them, instead of bottling up your emotions. A good lawyer can also advise you on the correct steps to take. And most importantly don’t shy away from seeing a counsellor in your city who can help you deal with the issues at a core level. 

  

*(names changed to protect identity)

Madhuri Banerjee: Relationship Expert for Revlon's New Campaign "Choices" !

Choices & Relationships

Every woman’s life is the sum of all her choices, and Revlon India is here to support that. Choices by Revlon is a platform that will allow every woman to express her opinions and make her choices freely. This month, Revlon talks about Relationships. This is one of the many articles that aim to inspire women all over India in their choices about relationships. Start making a choice today. 

Are you married?

Oh you’re single?

Are you in a relationship?

How’s your love life?

Do you want to have kids?

Are you living with your parents?

We are asked questions on relationships every day. We are also judged by the relationships we have. Our society places emphasis on men’s success at work and women’s success in relationships. Is she a good wife? Is she a good mother? Does she look after her in laws well? Women need to understand what the important relationships in their life are, and how they can make them better.

It is a well-known fact that a stable relationship makes a healthy mind and body. People suffering from heartbreaks, conflicts and confusion are often distracted at work and tired in their personal lives. All they want to do is just fix it or move on so their lives will be “normal” again. Women read several magazines and talk to other woman so that they can improve on the relationships in their life. Today, every woman has one relationship problem; be it with a parent, in law, spouse, lover, friend or even their house help. Every day we tackle these issues to understand ourselves better. Because at the core of how we tackle our relationships lies who we are.

Men:

I read a quote on a social media site recently. It said “A lot of men think they doing women a favour by asking for her hand in marriage, but lets think about this: she changes her name, changes her home, leaves her family, moves in with you, builds a home with you, gets pregnant for you, pregnancy change her body, she gets fat, almost gives up in the labor room due to the unbearable pains of child birth, and even the kids she delivers bear your name. Till the day she dies, everything she does benefits you. So who is really doing whom a favour? Dear men appreciate your wife today, it is not easy to be a woman.”

While this is a powerful statement and one that we should make every man understand, we must also look at it another way.

A woman does go through several things for the sake of a man. But these are all her CHOICES as well. She chooses to fall in love. She chooses to give up her name. She chooses to have a child. Instead of demanding that men start respecting us for the choices we make for them. Let’s start teaching them how to respect us for the choices we make for ourselves.

Suppose we don’t want to get married but have a live in relationship. Let’s stand by our choice to parents, society and the man and proclaim that commitment, dedication and love have nothing to do with a legal paper.  

If we don’t choose to have a child in our child bearing age and are constantly hearing “time is running out,” let’s stick by our choice to live a free life for ourselves and our partners instead of giving it up for children whom we don’t understand.

So find a man who not only loves you but respects you for your choices. That’s the partner who you can grow old with. He is the man who will embrace your individuality, instead of asking you to mould for society.

Friends & Lovers:

Let’s choose our relationships wisely. It’s what makes us who we are. We are a sum of the five people we spend most time with. Let those five people be the ones who stimulate you, support you, love you, understand you, inspire you and most important who don’t judge you for your choices.  

I’ve realised that most relationships in our life are ephemeral. People enter our lives for a reason. They are a symbol of what we need at that time. They enhance our lives and we reciprocate by enriching theirs. Some associations come into our lives to help us find our inner strength. There are toxic relationships that make us value and appreciate the people who come into our lives and change us for the people we need to become. Sometimes women become so comfortably numb in their current scenarios that they never take the step to do something more with their lives. There are people who enter our lives and become a cataclysm for us to believe in ourselves and change it. They help us identify what we are capable of and what we are missing. The beauty of all this is that it may be transient. The person might be there in your life forever but not in the capacity that he she will be for that moment. Or that man might exit your life forever but leave behind memories that you will always treasure. Appreciate the transient nature of relationships. It will always help you cherish the people more.

So don’t hold on to a person when it’s time to let go. Heartbreaks won’t affect you as much when you recognize that the best thing in your life is not what’s gone away, but what’s coming up next.

Families:

Families will not understand or support us all the time. It is wrong for us to expect them to. Give each other space when dialogues get over whelming.

We are not perfect. Our lives are not Photoshopped. We make mistakes. We get angry. We have regrets. We lose friends. We suffer from heartbreaks. We quit jobs. We hate situations. We are tired from the roles we play. We must learn to take a step back and understand that we are beautiful and loved. It doesn’t matter if we’re short or tall, fat or thin, homemakers or businesswomen. We are all in the same boat. We must learn to be kind to others and to ourselves. We must find peace in our choices and harmony with our families.

Ourselves:

Often women give too much of themselves in relationships. Between balancing their career and homes, they find themselves unable to find time for themselves. They are obliged to attend office functions, socialize with their contacts, take children for birthday parties, meet relatives for gatherings, be a shoulder to cry on for friends, and help sort out lives for several people. They always want to be available for people, in the hope that they are seen as good human beings and great in the roles they play.

We don’t always have to be available for everyone. We can choose to say “No” and be guilt free. Our first priority must always be us. Only then we can give freely and help better. When we deplete our energies in giving too much, we feel neglected and unappreciated. We must stop doing everything for everyone else. Only then will we find happiness in the relationships that are important to us.

We’ve often heard, “She’s a good friend. She came and helped me when I was feeling low.”

“She’s a good mother. She gives her child everything.”

“She’s an amazing wife. Look at the dinner parties she throws!”

We are judged by the actions we take. The roles we play. But rarely on the people we are. Our choices should also reflect the time we spend on ourselves. We must choose to ignore the people around us who judge us. And truly start living for ourselves.

It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay if we screw up our roles. Our choices need not always be right. But we must always try and learn from them. That’s what makes women wonderful.

The choices we make must enhance our soul. Our relationships are a reflection of us. Laugh, live, love with all your heart and you’ve done a good job with your life!

What kind of a person are you in a relationship? Go find out here and let me know!  https://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=543304465755970&set=a.346128485473570.82174.143756885710732&type=1&theater

Today I'm a Sensible Darling! But tomorrow's another day ;)

Men's Guide to What Women Say:

1.      What did you say? – If a woman is within hearing distance from you, she has actually heard what you’ve said but she’s given a chance to either change your tone, or change your words. So do think about what you just said and how it could have pissed her off. The safest bet is to reply, “I have no idea honey. I love you!”

2.      Fine – When she’s used that word it is the opposite of fine. It means that you’re really in the dog house for being adamant on a particular subject while arguing with her. When she’s used it with the prefix “I” it means you had better take her out for dinner to figure out what is troubling her since she’s not fine.

3.      Where is this relationship going? – It actually means she wants to get married or get a commitment from you. You need to have a conversation with her about what you both want. If there’s no future with her, now is the time to tell her. If you keep her hanging on for more time, she will soon turn into King Kong and devour your happiness.

4.      I don’t want to talk about it – Hahaha. Fooled you. They rarely say this. Women will always want to talk. Give her a drink and ask her what’s wrong. And then do not give any advice. Just sit and listen to her talk.

5.      We need to talk – What she means is - I need to talk and you need to listen to what I’m about to say and absorb it because I shall question you later. So do not watch TV while she speaks. Do not say- can we talk after the game? What you can say is, “Ok. Why don’t you give me an hour and we can talk at night when my head is a little clear.”

6.      I’m not ready for a relationship right now – What she means is – “Dude seriously? Have you looked in the mirror? Why would I date you?” So you need to spruce up a bit. Figure out your clothes, hygiene, and what she likes. A little reading could help your personality sparkle. Do go up to her again when you’re ready but let her know you’ve moved on. She’ll be after you in a heartbeat!

7.      Your mother… – Anything that begins with those two words means it’s not going to be pleasant. Otherwise, she would have said, “Ma said…” Be prepared to hear the ugly truth about your mother. Do not reply by saying, “You both should figure it out for yourselves. Leave me out of it.” Instead say, “I agree with you honey. Can we discuss this in the morning so I can mull it over tonight?” This buys you time to get out of the tricky situation and her to cool down. By the morning pretend you’ve completely forgotten and say that you mom is batty and she should ignore her. Of course you don’t believe it. But it will give you peace!

 

8.      I don’t feel like having sex – Oh boy, it’s going to be a very long night my dear. Either be prepared to give her tremendous amount of foreplay or just sit and cuddle with her in front of the TV. But do have some physical contact otherwise the next few nights are going to continue with the same statement. Moreover, once a woman can do without something, she doesn’t need it anymore. That’s very dangerous for you.

9.      Do what you want/ Go Ahead – If you really do, you will pay for it. Instead, when she throws this at you ask her, “Well what would you do in my situation?” This makes her feel like she’s in control. After she finishes say, “That’s a good idea. Let me think about it.” Even then, if you do what you want, at least she’ll feel you’re doing it her way.

10.  I’m on a diet – If you’ve taken a woman out to a restaurant and she says this it means you let her order what is less calorific for her. And you order something that has medium calories. Example- she’ll order a grilled plate of something but still crave better food. You can order a burger with baked potato. So she can share the potatoes while you still eat your heavy burger. You must order a dessert and split it.

11.   There’s no magic left – I’m bored. You need to take the initiative and plan a vacation with her or sweep her off to a hotel for one night to get her away from daily domesticity. If she has mentioned this post coitus you better read 50 Shades of Grey and see if she wants to do anything from there!

 

12.  Do you really want me to go? – She doesn’t want to go but will do so if it’s important to you. If it comes before you introduce her to your friends then she doesn’t like them and you should schedule a separate boy’s night where your woman and your friends don’t need to interact.

13.  Never Mind/ Forget it – That should now be the last thing on your mind. Do not forget what has just happened. Ever. It will come back to haunt you. As soon as this is said, make it up to her immediately. Put on her favourite song and remind her of some old memory of hers when she was thin and pretty. It will distract her from her current crappy mood and take you out of the trouble zone.

14.  NO – The end. Nope. You cannot argue further. It’s final. You should seriously shut up now.

15.  I love you – This comes from the heart. There are no games. She’s opened up her soul to you. Also she could be asking for jewelery. So check your calendar if it’s Valentine’s Day yet.

http://www.rediff.com/getahead/slide-show/slide-show-1-specials-vday-things-women-say-and-what-they-mean/20130212.htm

5 Ways To Ease Stress

5 WAYS TO EASE STRESS:

With high power jobs, demanding relationships and manic traffic, it is proven that high blood pressure, cholesterol, and anxiety attacks are common phenomenon amongst men in their 30s. Adding to this, bad eating habits, a lack of support and frustrated ambitions cause even the best man to succumb to health issues.

To combat this men need a different way of easing their life a little bit.

1.       Daily Exercise: Yes, you’ve heard it before. You even had that gym membership that you went to four times in the entire year, you hired a personal trainer and you even tried yoga with your wife but the daily exercise is something you just can’t do. It is boring and with all that work, you feel you need to finish off through the day; you would rather sleep an extra hour than exercise. But what if exercising was fun? List 5 things you love to do and would do every day. Then go ahead and try one for each of the week of the month. Join tennis classes for a week so you will not get bored with it. Play on your Nintendo Wii but make sure it’s not a sitting car game but rather a high-powered basketball lone that makes you jump, and run on the spot. Do it for a week. Change the 5 things you want to do every month until you get to a point where you don’t need to change it. You will automatically wake up and do it for 45 minutes 6 times a week. Yes You get Sunday off.

2.       Healthy Eating: Yes, your wife/girlfriend has noticed that paunch on you and you don’t really care. She does not know the pressures of the workplace and what it means to do what you need to do at your position. Therefore she should let you be if you indulge a little and feel you “deserve” to `at least’ eat what you want and when you want, Green leafy vegetables seem to be a curse even thought eating copious amounts of it will give you back your health. Food should be about flavor and fun. Here is what you need to do. Write down the 3 meals you must have this week. It can be a drinking session with the guys that allows you to have snacks with your drinks (it cannot be dinner post as well). There can also be a client lunch that you need to go to and can have tandoori chicken until there are no more chickens left. Alternatively, it can be a friends’ birthday party where there will be cake that you need because you have a sugar craving. You need to plan it. It takes only 2 minutes of your time. For the rest of the meals, you need to watch what you eat. Drink a glass or orange juice a day instead of the fatty cold coffee if you are meeting people in coffee shops. Have a breakfast of oatmeal or whole grain sandwich or egg whites every morning. Avoid red meat and sugar unless you have planned it for a meal. Be vigilant about what you eat. You deserve to live long. Not just eat well.

3.       Read: Switch off the TV and read a fiction novel that you have been putting off for so long. Tell the wife/ girlfriend to leave you for a few hours over the weekend and instead of spending it on watching reruns and films that can be avoided, read a book. Do not read something that is meant for your job or for a course you are taking or a magazine that finishes in 20 minutes. Read a book that you picked up or was presented to you as a good read. Absorbing your mind in something that is more than a home or office gives your mind something more to think about. It helps to lower your heart rate and increases the progesterone level that makes you a calmer man.

4.       Sing: There are two ways of benefitting from singing. One you can call all your friends over for a karaoke night where you get to enjoy other people’s company. Secondly, singing is proved to ease stress. It does not matter if you sing badly. If you don’t want to sing in front of friends, sing for the kids, sing for the pets, sing to woo your beloved, sing in you shower every morning. You get the idea. Sing your favourite songs or the new ones you have heard on the radio. Sing 5 in a row. And laugh at yourself when you don’t remember the lyrics or go off key. Because you can be happy, your profession is not as a Singer!

5.       Sex: Either with or without a partner. An orgasm releases beta-endorphins, which are like a shot of relief in a syringe. Moreover, it is loads of fun! Needs no further explanation. Have fun.

Can also be read at:

http://ibnlive.in.com/blogs/author/2956/madhuribanerjee.html

10 STEPS TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY : For men ;)

It’s time. You know it. You’ve waited long enough. The grown beard and the manly chest fur only proves that you’ve become a man. You’ve matured. You’ve seen `it’ happening on your dvds. You feel you’re ready.

It’s time that you finally lose your virginity. But you just don’t know how. The internet doesn’t help and neither do your friends who are making fun of you. You need a simple guide to help you with this basic but complicated act. Here are the ten steps that will lead to you having a great time.

10. The Girl – you have to have a girl to have sex. It is basic I know but it’s still a fact. Now sit quietly and give up on the notions of what you want. If she’s tall, intelligent, makes good chapattis and looks after your mother, chance are she’s not going to sleep with you in your current state. Also, no one intelligent, drop dead gorgeous and sober is going to give you a look either. So change your standards. Look for anyone. You will not find girls at bars. It’s a myth. Girls who come to the bars to hang out with other girls are there to have fun and checkout the men. They need not necessarily be wanton sex goddesses. The best way to get that girl is that friend who you never had any sexual feeling towards. Yup, that’s the one. She’s adored you for many years and tolerated your stupidity. It’s highly likely she doesn’t find you repulsive enough to throw a glass on you if you pop the question. Target. Found.

9.  The Preparation: Honestly, if you haven’t been laid yet, you need to do a little bit of preparation on yourself. You need to either get thin or get bulky. Preferably both. No woman is attracted to a fat man. Oh, come on, if it was vice versa, would you be? A little bulge is ok. No one expects you to be Hrithik Roshan. But unless you’re tremendously rich or powerful, you have to get rid of that paunch that will hamper the act. And women know. Hit the gym. Go for a jog. And stay off those aloo parathas your mom is making for you in the morning otherwise she will be the only woman in your life for a long time. Use a good deodorant and smell good. Don’t bathe in the deo, splash it lightly. Check for bad breath, oral hygiene is essential. It invariably begins with a kiss.   

8. The Conversation: This is something that not many men think about but is crucial to the act. While you may think that, “what conversation?” here is where you can go horribly wrong. One wrong word, and her “mood” is off and you’ve lost the opportunity. Conversation needs to be correct, before, during and after. It is vital that you get her in the proper state of mind, continue until you’ve had a good time, and then sustain it so you can have round two. And the only way you can do that is to Read, Read, Read. Read poems, read sonnets, read a few books on topics she would be interested in. And then you’re finally ready to approach her, in the way you never did before. You have to praise her just enough so she is interested in what more you have to say about her. Women are suckers for flattery. Once you quote Shakespeare, or remind her that the color of her dress goes beautifully with her eyes, she might want to have a little more to do with you. DO NOT compare her to your mother. It kills it. You must continue the praise in bed, continuously giving her encouragement instead of correcting and afterwards letting her know that she makes your life complete. She knows it’s corny, but she still loves to hear it.

7. The Ignore: This is the most difficult bit. You’ve buffed up your body, you’ve read the books, and you’re ready. But there is a little change in the plan. You have to now ignore her. But this has to be done very surely. You have to know she is interested in you. If she calls you instead of you calling her, or she has taken an interest in you instead of you following her around, you know she’s hooked. But then you have to, just for a little bit, become indifferent. Suddenly you have a project that doesn’t take you away from work for a few days, you don’t return her call for a few hours, you send vague smses, and you don’t have time for her. Now you can’t be rude. At no point should you ever snap, be angry or be blunt. You need to be apologetic for your time being taken away from her but you “just can’t help it.” You should not do this for too long as she will get bored and find someone else. It needs to be for just a week or so once you know she is hooked and waiting. The trap is set.

6. The Present: Oh yes, there needs to be a present. It has to show you’ve apologized for your bad behavior of not meeting her for a week and it acts as something that you’re grateful she’s in your life. You need to floor her. While diamonds may be the ideal thing a woman wants and loves, maybe some flowers and a gift package from Body Shop would be a better deal on the first date. But don’t forget to get her something otherwise she’ll think you’re a cheap, pompous man who has ignored her and doesn’t deserve her royal being.

5. The Date: A perfect date is a combination of two things, the right place, and the right mood. If your woman is an adventurous variety, a bike ride to a secluded spot with a picnic basket of wine, and light snacks might be appropriate. If she is the high maintenance kind, she might prefer a fancy new restaurant that has been in the news for the last month or so where she can be seen and a place where you can compliment her even more. If she is the romantic but down to earth kind, a drive to the furthest place from town while you chat in the car and take her to her favourite restaurant for her favourite meal might be just the thing that hits the spot. Research into this would be a good idea for you. Do not ask her. Observe her for a few months and read up about her sun sign!

4. The Location: There are exciting stories out there, of how men have had wild sex in cars, in the jungles, in bathrooms of a mall and other such absurd locations. But rest assured, these are only  urban legends. Public places might happen later in life, but they are never the places where you lose your virginity. The good old bedroom, with a stable bed in an empty house has been proved by a staggering 85% of the population to be the ideal place. You need to find one. While you still live with your parents, it’s not ideal to tell the woman to keep quiet while you sneak her in hoping your father doesn’t see your eagerness in the middle of the night. It is not ideal either for you to suggest that you go back to her place. That could kill the mood as well if she thinks you’re cheap. Ask a friend who lives by himself to go to a hotel room for a night. You can pay. You cannot take the girl to a hotel room since she will think you had it planned and subsequently an idea that you think she’s “sleazy.” It’s better to have your friend’s place cleaned up and say casually, “I was planning to stay with a friend tonight so maybe you can come and have a cup of coffee so I can have the pleasure of your conversation a little more.” Or something to that effect!

3. The Setting:  On a date, you need to be able to give her just enough alcohol that she’s in her senses and mildly intoxicated. A little too much and she will go to sleep and you will be dragging her to your friends place over your shoulder and taking care of her nausea instead of her horniness. The alcohol should continue once you’re back. Even if she insists on coffee, pour a lot of alcohol into it and make it an “Irish” one. Make sure there are only a few table lamps on instead of the top tube light. The lighting could take away from the mood, the intoxication, and the conversation. So be careful that it is soft, dim, and just right.

2. The Foreplay: All right. Here we go. The moment has come.  You have to start taking things a little slow. Preferably, don’t make the first move. If you’ve done all the correct things, she will make a move first. But if she doesn’t and is still felling shy, you move in close and look into her eyes. That’s when you have to figure out if she is into you or not. Do not grab her hair and kiss her. The first time is not about being rough or violent. It’s about the sensuality of the feeling. If she kisses you back, you’re on track and you can continue with the act of foreplay, gently touching and kissing all the spots around her neck, her back, her fingertips. She will tell you where and how. Keep complimenting her.

1. Losing Your Virginity: Be “careful.” For all your imagination and great prowess, this will probably take only up to two minutes. But enjoy it. Do not be tentative. Take charge. Do not call out any dirty words. Behave normally.  Listen to her and listen to her body.  And you will remember it. You will remember it because you took the effort that made this moment so special. You will remember her. And after it’s over, be sure to compliment her and hold her close and talk about how special it was for you. Because you know in your heart, it will be. Best of luck!

http://www.gqindia.com/content/how-lose-your-virginity

A husband’s plea to his wife

Dear Wifey,

Let me start by saying, I love you. I really do. And even though it’s been a while.. ok years that I’ve said it, I mean it. Most of the times. Ok sometimes. Which is why I want you to understand and know a few things about our marriage and me. I think somewhere we’ve forgotten about that - me and us. So let me remind you.

1.   I never want to talk about us. I really don’t. It’s all in your head. Please sort out whatever issues you have about our romance or what we shd be doing and where we shd go. I’m fine as we are.

2.   Please do not do the dishes. Please don’t over work yourself when the bai is not there. Seriously. I’m not just saying that so you will be more rested, it’s because I don’t want to do the work. I think we both know that once you start working, you’ll expect me to “pitch in” and I really don’t want to. Just wait till she gets back. And we’re not going to die with dust or dirty dishes piling up. And btw - I earn so I can keep a maid, not to be one.

3.   I might not always want to have sex. It is not because I don’t love you or don’t find you attractive; it’s just that I may actually be tired. I’ve been driving in traffic for hours and working for a shit hole boss. So excuse me if I’m not in the mood for sex and would rather watch reruns of Friends. Maybe that relaxes me more.

4.   I am not having an affair. I repeat, I am not having an affair. If I were, it would probably be with Adriana Lima. Yes I have her wallpaper…and a lot of porn stashed in a file in my laptop…but I’m not having an affair. It’s too much time, effort and money that goes into making another woman happy for sex, which really isn’t worth the effort anymore.

5.   Please do not compare me with any of your previous boyfriends, your father, your next door neighbour or even your best friend’s husband. It doesn’t make me feel nice. I am doing a lot for you. Ok maybe not as much as you want, not as much as you like, not as much as you hoped for…but somewhere I must be doing the basic minimum for you to be sticking on. And babe, this is the best you’re gonna get. So take it and smile!

6.   Nagging doesn’t help. I will shower when I feel like it. I will wear clothes from when I was 15. I will download porn and use it. I will not listen to your music! Really you can’t change me now. So stop trying.

7.   I need guys’ night out. Regularly. No it’s not a cliché. I just feel like drinking once in a while in a loud bar where I can… as you call it, “just be!”

8.   I don’t believe in romance. I never have. Yeah yeah, while we were dating I did all those things to get you into bed.. But honey, it don’t matter no more! I will bring you the flowers when you’re angry, hoping we’ll have make up sex. And I’ll bring the present on your birthday hoping for a lil birthday booty but for the rest of the 363 days, don’t expect it.

9.   Playstation is my birthright and I shall have it. Wouldn’t you rather have me playing games on my Wii through the night than be out in an “office party”? Exactly! So let me go buy one pleaseee…

10.           I am great with kids and I’m great with dogs. Pick one. Not both. I’m not good at multitasking.

11.           You do not need to spend so much money on frivolous things. I do not care if you wear the same shirt everyday. If your friends care so much, find a new group, preferably one who walk around in monochromatic robes.

12.           Do not correct me at parties. I like to strut. I like to show off. I want a push from my lil wifey to support me. Not someone who giggles profusely when I mention anything substantial like how well I’m doing at work.

13.           If you have to ask me if you’re looking fat, you probably are. That doesn’t mean I won’t have sex with you. That doesn’t mean I will look at other girls…cos I will still do that anyway…it means that maybe you need to polish yourself up for yourself. You don’t need to do it for me.

14.           I love to eat. When we go to a restaurant, please do not be on your stupid diet that you will break when we get back home anyway. I need to order 3 different dishes so we can share so I have my choices. If you have salad, then the whole thing goes to waste. Why do you think I married a non-vegetarian? So we could be food compatible if nothing else!

15.           Our marriage will be quid pro quo when it comes to family functions. If you drag me to some religious do to meet your entire boring family who speak in a language I don’t understand, I’m going to drag you to my ugly aunt’s wedding where you will have to touch the smelly feet of everyone till your back aches. Got it?

So darling, do me a favour...Love and let me be.

Your faithful husband FOREVER!!!!