Inauspicious

Women Not Allowed.

That’s the slogan that most women have heard for centuries. Women Not Allowed. In voting, dargahs, male clubs, temples, sports, in schools, the army, the list goes on. But we’ve fought them all and recently with women entering the 400 year old male bastion of Shani Shingnapur temple, we’ve finally been able to let the world know that women cannot be banned from any place. 

But what happens in our own society? Aren’t we banning women from certain auspicious things in our own way?

Recently I was part of a group that was discussing a sixteen day puja where every day the woman following the puja had to give a certain amount of fruits to different women every day. I mentioned a young mother’s name and immediately I was shot down by a friend who said, “No! No she’s a widow. It doesn’t make sense to give to her. It won’t count.”

I was shocked. She was a widow for no fault of hers. I asked why it was so inauspicious to give fruits to her.

“Because a puja is about culture and giving and receiving blessings. What blessings would a widow be able to give?” Widows were meant to stick together and do pujas. Not mingle freely with married women. They were a bit of a curse.

The conversation went on to have a heated discussion where I vehemently opposed this thought but no matter what I could not change the other person’s view point.

Many weeks later I was invited by a friend for a religious function. I was surrounded by couples and their children and I was the only divorced woman there. This was the first time I was invited for an auspicious occasion. I brought a big present and greeted my friend happily.

But I overheard, “What is she doing here? Isn’t she divorced? What blessings is she going to give the girl? To live her life independently and not think about the welfare of her husband or family?”

I finally understood why I haven’t been invited for so many other occasions. It wasn’t because I didn’t believe in the rituals of India (most of which I don’t) it was because a divorced woman or a widow wasn’t really welcome in a group of happily married couples. I was and the widow was – 

Inauspicious.

In a country where tradition, rituals, customs, sanskars hold such an important value that they overtake logic, reasoning and feeling, how can women ever be allowed into sacred territories. The Varanasi widows weren’t even allowed to play Holi.

There is something suspicious about divorced women and widows. It’s like in the olden times when a woman wasn’t allowed in the kitchen because of her menstruation. She was simply not holy then. 

We’ve chosen not to be holy today by not sticking to a marriage or not remarrying after the death of a husband. But then if your husband has died, you’re already besmirched with a tag that the woman is unlucky! So for her to even date, find happiness, remarry and be invited to an auspicious occasion would take a herculean task of overthrowing old patriarchy, deep rooted chauvinist notions and already formulated stone clad judgements on her character. God forbid she doesn’t wear white and actually dresses up, has a drink and a smoke once in a while, it won’t be the men who will be shocked, it will be other educated, liberated women!

As a divorced woman, in this evolving society there are a few people who understand your choices. Just a few. But then to be a successful, independent, arrogant, funny, woman who is living life on her own terms is frowned upon. She is kept away from the husband at all costs.

Recently I needed to call a man to help him with a business proposal that I thought would be good for him. I stated to his wife, “Can you please ask him from my side? I don’t have any husband’s numbers.”

She replied, “Good good. Don’t keep only.”

So I realised that until we divorced women and widows state it, women will not be allowed anywhere. There are only 5 ways we can break the inauspicious curse:

1.     To all wives out there – no matter how handsome and successful your man is, we don’t want him unless he wants us. And we will never make the first move. We have too much self-respect to do so.

2.     All women are equal. Just because you have a husband and family doesn’t mean that we’re lesser than you. Give, invite, welcome, accept, understand and love each woman equally and you’ll get that back from a dynamic woman as well.

3.     Don’t look at women from your high seated perspective. One day you might be one of them.

4.     If you don’t want the blessings of love, nurturing, experience, abundance, security, intelligence, dignity, honour, and respect to your home, child or function, don’t invite a widow or divorced woman. Because that’s what she will bless you with!

5.     Please keep your views to yourself so you don’t pass it onto your children who will be laughed at for being regressive and old fashioned if they do the same tomorrow.

Hopefully we won’t need to resort to high voltage activists to change the thinking of women in our society. Hopefully the realisation shall come from within.

RAGE AND FEAR

Anger and Fear are the predominant emotions of our times today.

We are a nation of scared people. The generation above us was scared for economic and social reasons and our generation seems to be scared of change. Contrary to what we might say, many people do not want the system to change. They hold on to things and claim it in form of tradition.

I asked a Hindu friend of mine at a dinner party, “Would you be ok if your only daughter fell in love with a Muslim?” And she smiled and said, “I’m sure that won’t happen.”

I asked another friend of mine, “What if your only son told you he was a homosexual?” And the man turned to me and replied, “Why even think of such things?”

I asked family members who had attended Anna Hazare’s fast, “Have you ever given a bribe to get off a speeding ticket? Or to get your passport done early? Or to an `agent’ to process your license?” And they laughed and said, “Everyone does that.”

So why are we not changing? Why are we not progressing? Because it is easy and blissful to remain in a state of unawareness. Our parents were fearful that their kids would marry different caste or religions. Somewhere we’re still fearful of that. Otherwise why would there be so many matrimonial ads slotted into a person’s religion, caste and region? Let us stop doing that at least.

Our parents were fearful that they would not be able to save up enough to give their kids a secure life. We are fearful that there will be no security.

Lawlessness stems from fear. Fear stems from anger.

If we don’t get our way, we have no faith in the system to provide help. We help ourselves. That is what we are being taught now. A boyfriend murdering a girl’s ex lover, spouses shooting each other, bomb blasts, rapes, theft, and burnings. It stems from anger at not being able to get what they want and an impatience to want it right away. And it is not only in urban areas, the rural villages are imitating what they see and hear from the urban centers. There was a recent incident in Karwas village, 20 km from the Jaipur-Delhi highway that shocked the entire village. Two teenage girls watched as their lover slit their parents’ throat because they were not allowed to have sexual relations with him.

Where does this come from? People are asserting themselves but in the wrong way. Everyone has an attitude. Adolescents’ mottos are “I don’t care” and “I want it now!”

We fear “What will people think?”

We fear “What will our neighbours say?”

We fear “What if we make a mistake?

We fear “What if it doesn’t look nice?”

But it won’t be. Uncomfortable situations will arise. Delays will be imminent. And feathers will be ruffled. So what?

We need to do the right thing for our country. Not just for ourselves.

We need to stand up for the greater good and not just for economic benefit or cheap publicity. 

We need to start believing that it is ok if Big Brother USA does not like what we do. Once we start believing that we will not take a single bribe or that we will not care if our kids marry Pakistanis, or that we will not fear the hand of the UN, we will rise above the pettiness of everyday and become a stronger nation.

And it needs to start today. With each and every one of us. We have to believe in the right things. We have to have an attitude of caring for a stronger future. We have to demand answers. And ask the right questions. We need to elect the right people. We need to work together.

We have to stop being angry. With religion, caste, creed, sex or a system. And channel the energy into being productive.

And we have to stop being afraid of the outcome.

The Murder of J Dey.

I did not know Jyotirmoy Dey. In fact, I didn’t recollect any of his stories until I re-read them in the papers a few days ago. Then I remembered. His stories were to the point, truthful and honest. Probably much like him. Your work reflects who you are. In addition, for the entire buzz around, all I can decipher is that he was one in a million. A man who will probably have thousands of eulogies and many posthumous awards. J. Dey. A Bengali living in Mumbai, a family man, a middle class person.

I cannot comprehend the loss that loved ones are feeling. All I can say is that I empathize and give my deepest condolences.

What is really bothering me about this murder is not only that a simple, hardworking journalist has been shot dead, but that there has been no uproar from the society yet. It is as if, the papers are read, a few clucking noises are made and then the cocktails are brought out. Where is the media and the people asking, neigh demanding an explanation and getting its entire police and CBI force out to find the killers? A popular TV show has a dialogue that says, “The first 48 hours are crucial to find the murderers. After that the evidence can be tampered with.” It has been 4 days. Where are the killers? Where is the Home Ministry sending out a message saying that the killers will be brought to justice? No matter how many people they will lock in Tihar Jail, the government needs to send out a stronger signal that terrorism, big or small will NOT be tolerated.

 J Dey stood for far more than one crore people against corruption. He stood for far more than swamis against contamination did. He stood for Freedom of Speech.

With Dey being shot, it shows that the Underworld can silence that freedom. It can be bought, it can be threatened, and it can be suppressed. When reporters investigate about stories, they are making people aware of the dangers that lie in our society. They are making people understand the evils that lie hidden. They give us an opportunity to protect and defend ourselves when we need to. We use our freedom to live because of the crime reporters who unflinchingly do their job with meticulous accuracy fearing no one.

With this murder, it has made the society a more fragile place. The reporters are scared. And we too... should be scared. We cannot open our mouths against people who have power; we cannot even show our faces to them. For God forbid, tomorrow it is our murder and our families who suffer.

We will glorify the Underworld in our films. We will even comment on the suaveness of the gangsters. We will pay to go watch something in reel life, and not even think subconsciously that it is taken from an incident in REAL life.

A man has lost his life. We as a society have lost our dignity. The clock is ticking. And there are no answers yet.