Asian Age Column: Love Guru - Husband travels & my work suffers.

Dear Love Guru,
My husband travels frequently and it’s difficult for me to find a job wherever we go. I don’t know if I should stay in one place with a job or move with him. Pl advise.
Sincerely,
Kiara

Dear Kiara
It’s difficult to find a balance between a career and a marriage for every woman but it’s far more difficult if you’re constantly on the move. If it’s the early stages of your marriage and you’ve taken a sabbatical from your job, then do travel with your husband to set a good foundation with him. If you’re in a fabulous job with a great support system at a particular place, stay in your job and figure out how to manage visits frequently. Ask for more flexi timings to work from your husband’s place as well. If you do decide to stay with your husband and give up your job, find an alternate career that doesn’t require regular office hours – writing, painting, cooking, interior design, teaching, architecture, law, etc that you can easily find people willing to pay for your services anywhere in the world. Also the internet has opened up many job opportunities for people anywhere in the world. You can be paid to blog, write reviews about books/ movies or be a personal shopper. Joining classes, getting a degree or forming clubs also helps expand your horizon. A career is not just about bonuses and paychecks. It’s also about expanding your horizons and growing as an individual. If you have the love and support of your husband, the sky is the limit!

Comments

Omar said…
Love Guru,

In reference to our back and forth tweets on how to share my problem. So here it is, I'll keep it short otherwise I had written a long story which is still saved in my drafts!

I'm married to my university sweetheart - we did our undergrad together while she did her master's from another country and we were long distance for three years. She's the possessive sort (not the extreme crazy possessive) and has her insecurities about her looks. Trust me I've done my part to remove such insecurities because they are baseless, but I guess they've been with her since she was a teen.

During my master's I became really good friends with this other female who is quite attractive. My wife knew about it because I shared everything with her. Even had the two of them meet whenever my wife was in town. She never complained about her.

My friend lives in another city, she worked for a year after graduating in the same city as me, and then moved back to her hometown. So whenever I go on a business trip to her city, I do make it a point to meet up with her. We BBM a lot as well. Before she moved back, we had had a fight and my wife took on the responsibility to patch it up between us before she left.

So a few months ago, my wife, during a conversation, said that she regretted having patched things up between my friend and I; "I sometimes think I'm a fool to have done that" were her words. She then went on to say that it bothers her that I BBM with her a lot especially when she's around because then it makes her feel as if she's too boring for me. "Obviously I'd never ask you to cut off a friendship" she also added.

I've read between the lines; this is obviously something that upsets her. She had admitted her insecurity about her when she first found out about her and she looked her up on Facebook etc. I guess it never went away. On the advice of some friends, I cut down on my interactions with my friend. But I don't like this restrained approach. I'm the sort who prefers transparency between people, especially people who matter; we should know where we stand, the other person deserves to know just as much.

In fact, I tried this restrained approach over the last month and a half, it sucks. I even visited her hometown without telling her, she found out through a mutual friend I ran into at the airport and she was a little upset that I hadn't told her because I always do.

So, Love Guru, should I openly tell my friend that this is my situation and I'm afraid we'll have to stay out of each other's way? Or do I just reduce the interaction, not meet up with her etc.?

Please let me know if you need any other details. This is important to me because this friend matters to me and I want to deal with it the right way.

Thanks,

Omar
Dear Omar,
If you value your marriage, you must cut down on the interaction with your female friend. But since you are a transparent person, it is best to be honest with your friend and tell her it's because of certain insecurities your wife has.
Please explain to your wife that you are faithful and honest and shall remain so but you would like a little freedom to meet people who are friends even if they are of the opposite sex.
Openness when you have nothing to hide is the best option in any scenario.

All the best.
Madhuri
Omar said…
Hi,

Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply. I had the talk with my friend, she was upset but understood. She didn't like the idea of completely cutting off contact so we decided maybe meet up on every third business trip to her city or if she comes down to mine. Although to be honest I think by the time that comes around the enthusiasm to meet up will have petered out!

And just to clarify, my wife only has a problem with her, no one else; but yes it does feel as if my freedom has been restricted a little.

Anyway, I will not pour my heart out any further! Thank you again, appreciate it :)

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