Love Guru Advice: Still in love with a Married Man.

Comments

nevamind said…
Mam,what would you do if you find your husband cheating on you?
apala saha said…
Mam,what would you do if you find your husband cheaating on you?
I would eat a big piece of chocoalte cake and look at it and say, "You were always my first love."
Ok. I'm kidding. But I would figure out if it was a 1 night thing or an emotional long term thing. On that basis I would evaluate if i needed to break it off or needed to work on it for other reasons.
Love doesn't die overnight. It isn't resurrected so quickly either.
Using one's head in such a situation is more important than using emotions.
Prabhat Sinha, Noida said…
Dear Priya, Love is always blind. There is another saying that you cannot love and be wise. Follow your instinct and enjoy the present time. Always remember that forbidden fruit tastes much better. The married man is an experienced man and he would understand you much better than a an unexperienced person. The fact that he calls you tells that he is in double mind and you have a good chance to wean him away from his wife..do watch a TV serial by name "kya hua tera vaada" on Sony and see how the "other woman" is graduating into the wife's position. A word of caution:- while making love do use contraceptives.. don't become a mother (not even after marriage) as kids make life hell and take away everything like romance, freedom, career, peace, happiness, fun from your life. And when you forgot to use contraceptive, do take iPill after the steaming session. It is even better that you don't get married to this person and remain a part-time partner..you will have power without responsibility. Even if in future you decide to get married to another person (by following the guidelines of Madhuri),you will be an experienced person knowing what a man wants and be able to "handle" your husband in a much better way than the other boorish virgin brides. Experience does matter !!!
apala saha said…
thank u Mam,for replying.I really like all the blogs u probably write, and really loved your book.Waiting eagerly for the next one.What do u think should be more important to a woman the society, the name and reputation she has in it or justice for anything bad happening to her..Can a woman just remain in a marital relationship only for financial reasons knowing all about her husband infidelity?
Apala - Each woman's case is different. We can't generalise about situations. I can only speak for myself and try and give rational advice to help. If she is in a domestic abuse marriage, she needs to first figure out her finances and then get out. If kids are involved she needs to get the help of NGOs to help her. Society and people be damned! She needs to think of her safety and her kid's health first.
Coming to your second question - a woman can forgive a man for so many things and vice versa. If she is comfortable in the house and has a certain lifestyle that the husband provides she will turn a blind eye to the infidelity. If it irks her too much, it really won't matter how much money she has. She will walk out. We are all in some relationship or another because we gain from it.
Hope this helps.
Love
Madhuri
apala saha said…
thank you for your reply.I just wanted to relate to the people and their lives around me.I am just a 17 year old girl so life isn't that complicated for me yet.Is there any way in which I can ask u some questions without it being displayed publicly?just wanted to know...
nevamind said…
thank u for ur reply Mam.Ur truely great.And i love your book.waiting eagerly for the next book.
Hopeful said…
hi,maam!
Too much chivalry leads to ruin.I loved a girl from my teenage in a small town.But a teacher caused much humiliation.
I grew up and did studies in Mumbai.Fell in love in my final year.But this girl was involved with several men(found out later) - used them for money and blackmailing.
Now after three years,I am yet to date anyone for real.Somehow,I tried to meet old school friend.She used to be in a relationship in her college but called off her engagement.She is confused but scared to break up.I think she got scared or sumthing and dosn't talk to me now.
Is it advisable to find out her exact situation from friends and is there some way to get together with her... and in worst case,atleast be on talking terms as friends with her??

Its a long story,
hopeful for a happy endind :)
Hopeful said…
hi,maam!
Too much chivalry leads to ruin.I loved a girl from my teenage in a small town.But a teacher caused much humiliation.
I grew up and did studies in Mumbai.Fell in love in my final year.But this girl was involved with several men(found out later) - used them for money and blackmailing.
Now after three years,I am yet to date anyone for real.Somehow,I tried to meet old school friend.She used to be in a relationship in her college but called off her engagement.She is confused but scared to break up.I think she got scared or sumthing and dosn't talk to me now.
Is it advisable to find out her exact situation from friends and is there some way to get together with her... and in worst case,atleast be on talking terms as friends with her??

Its a long story,
hopeful for a happy endind :)
Excuse the dyslexia in previous comment. I type with two fingers. I know my spellings. But am dyslexic on keyboard.:)
Dear Hopeful,
YOU say much humiliation and then you left her without explaining why?
So you met the same girl again and wanted to go out with her? Am i correct? She called off the engagement but is 'scared to break up' is confusing me. Pl explain.
With whatever I've gathered i can make out that you left her and she was heartbroken. Then she continued with her life and met new people. She doesn't want to get back with you because she thinks you will do the same thing again and probably she has grown as well. Between school and now, many years would have passed where a person develops as an individual. You might not know her completely. You might just have a vision of unrequited love and hold on to that.
Get to know her again as a friend before you make any porposals of love. It's a serious matter. When both of you are comfortable with each other again, then you can take it forward.
I'm hopeful for you too.
All the best.
Love
Madhuri
Hopeful said…
Hi!
Got all my hopes crushed.She is in a stable relationship and though she is very open minded,she seems to have a low opinion of me.Doesn't even want to say hello once.
It happens to me again and again.I was abused from the age of twelve till sixteen.I was guilt ridden till twenty two.Finally,I got a long treatment and counselling and now that I finally think of dating(started out with writing and camera too though I'm an engineer),I find it impossible to impress anyone.Gals think I'm staring at them or trying to get into their pants.Truth is,I've not yet lost "it" and am pretty much a one (imaginary) woman man.

Yours,
Hopeful.
Anonymous said…
I am married for 6.5 years & have 2 kids. Before wedding we two dated for around 5 years - that started when we were in college. Around after 3 years when we were dating, my current husband (boyfriend at that time) cheated on me and was having fun with a call girl for quiet some time - some months. I got to know about that by my gut feeling because of his change of behavior towards me and extra busy schedule. Once I was coming in his ca and he was getting a call repeatedly, which he was disconnecting. i Asked about it and he told me the name of a friend with whom he was staying those days. But I snatched the phone and saw another name in the call list. I took the number and called up to to my surprise that was a slut who he was regularly meeting for several weeks. I was shattered.I decided to call off our relationship. I cried for several days and he kept pleading for forgiveness. Once we met and he wept asking me to forgave him. He promised to be honest throughout. I believed him and obviously his love was still in my heart so I forgave him. Soon after this incidence we got engaged and them married afte another 6 months.
My husband belongs to garment export industry and his schedules are quiet tight. But I don't believe that he can't spare even a single outing in a month or a gift in an year. He spends no time with us and is always busy in work. To prove this he keeps calling from his office when he is away. But once he comes back home, he spends time in sleeping, eating, or with fiends. He goes out alone in all functions else with his friends.
Even after 6 years I an not able to trust him and do not get the feeling that I am a wife or I have a husband.
Off late something is bothering me and again I am feeling that he is in a close relationship with some other girl. Around a month back I caught him talking to someone on a phone and I sat with him. He indirectly tried to distract me or go away but i did not. It was a girl but the talks were very general. When I asked him, he said it is a colleague from office who is engaged with his friend. They had a fight and that's why she was calling my hubby to discuss the matter. I did not said anything but asked him to just show me the phone. He did not. I insisted him to show me the name and number and then asked me to promise that I won't call her. I promised. But before giving me the phone he deleted the name from the list.
checked his phone and a name sounded alarming. It was common friend's name with an incorrect spelling. Another entry of the same friend was also in his contacts with correct spelling. Since that time, I am confused what to do and how to get the real picture of the situation. When I tried discussing with him, obviously he refused. Please help.
I think you need to ask your husband if he wants to stay in this marriage with you or not. Ask him how both of you can start building a respectful relationship with each other.
First of all, stop doubting him. Yes the circumstances and previous evidence indicate towards something fishy but don't over step.
Second, both of you should go out to a neutral place like a coffee shop, dinner etc without kids or other family and talk about what are the things that are irritating each other and how both of you can fix it. (You cannot say him straying.) Maybe there are elements that both of u need to improve on.
After that say you would like to visit a counsellor and rebuild your love without suspicion and doubt for the sake of the kids.
In the meantime, please get a separate bank account and start saving money for yourself.
Get a hobby as well where you are occupied for a few hours in a day, if you're not working. Do go for a walk daily just to clear your mind and keep healthy. When you body and mind are free, your spirit will feel alive.
You both need to love each other. Give it time.
Do let me know if you need any more help.
Regards
Madhuri
kriya chauhan said…
Dear maam
This is minakahi I luvs a guy madly from five years.nd meri family allow nai krti maine use bahot mana kia .but vo bar bar suicide krne ki lia bolta .pyar mai b bahot krti thi .to maine relationship move on kia .dhere dhere problm hone lgi jhgde ldai .then he said to me abt sex.i dnt wanted to do bt I hav to do mujhe lga main use kho na du ..maine apni family main mon nd dad ko lekar uske kehne par uake ghar ke pas ghar shift kia.kch problm thi.usne kha mca mat karo mba karo maine vo hi kia.bt ab vo bdal gya lyk fb pass chipana phone chipna nd recently maine apne ek bchpan ke dost se bat ki thn usne kha main ab nai reh skta tnhare sath thn mujhe lga kch tymbdeti hu sb thk ho jayega bt after 5 days he told me ki usne kisi or ldki se bat karni shuru kardi hai nd she purpose him..thn I was convencing him ..I ask him whatbu want u want her or me thn he was crying nd said pta nai ..vo mujhe mna b nai krvrha hai .or na hi ha..maine usr bahot manaya .ab meri tbyt khrb ho rai hai khana nai khaya ja rha hai so nai paarai hu ..bs hmesha rona ata rehta hai ..kya kru plz help me main itni kmjor lyf main kbhi nai pdi hu.or vo kehta hai main abroad main jana chahta hu islia for the citizens ship maine forner se affair kia hai..main uske bina nai reh skti maam main use vapas pana chahti hu...vo mihe call b bahot kum krne lga ab jb main krti hu to out of range rehta hai uska phone.usne mujhe us ladki ki chat b nai dikhai ..maam plz help me..plz..
Anonymous said…
Hi. Mam… me nd my partner we lv each other since 8years… and still to… in 8 years only 2tyms we went at date… she say that she want to me as life partner now and me also wanted… once a tym 1 tym a a go for kiss she away from me then just i leave her that moment nd out her room…as i tell u she msgs me she wants kiss hug everything… bt when i go that 's it…. Whats fault what happening… m wrong if i go for hug therfore she wanted to hug me pls tell me what should be ryt nw
Zabi Shabi said…
I love my cousin but could not able to tell him....she ignores me very much..she ignores me when I go near her...plz help me ..I shall say I love u to her or I also ignore her ..what can I do..

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