Somehow, the earlier generation got it right. The
husband was the provider and the woman the nurturer. They had their roles
defined, almost written in stone. There were no complications, no angry bouts
over not understanding each other and definitely lesser divorces. Our
generation is just lost in the field of relationships and when we think we know
everything, we decide to settle down and get married and make the other person
as confused as us. With the rate of divorce in 2010 as high as one in four couples
in India, people are grappling to figure out what to do to have a healthy
marriage. Here are a few tips.
1. Communicate Positively– Don’t
just talk to each other about what you did in the day, your bosses’ angst, the
traffic problems, your children’s school issues and the deadlines you need to
finish this weekend. It’s all boring! Share what excited you about your day.
Convey how you accomplished your dream today or how you overcame a difficulty
in office. Share some gossip about friends you overheard. Explain a new problem
you might need your partner’s help with. Speak about how your partner made you
proud that day. Express effusively. Be generous in your compliments. Your
partner wants to make you proud. Do not overdo so he/ she will not care after a
while. Some days while your partner is in office or out of town, correspond
through messages or emails a fantasy you have about him, click a photo of
yourself and send it to him saying you are missing your better half right there
and even say a simple “I love you.” Hearing those words and feeling that you
are wanted in your partner’s life helps you stay connected. Indulge in a little
sex talk. Be naughty and wild. Routine communication can come once a week when
you are both lounging at home.
2. Book a Hotel –
So you and your partner are working like crazy. You are juggling your career and
managing children. It is tough and you need a break just to unwind and
reconnect with your partner. If every weekend results in sitting in front of
the television, having dinner with friends or playing with the children, you
need to take a vacation. Not a big vacation of a few weeks that you have
planned in summer, but a mini vacation for a night. You need to leave the kids
with responsible adults/ family members who can look after them and check
yourself in to a hotel. Go on Sat morning and check out on Sunday. Just a day’s
break from the minutiae of daily domesticity and work deadlines can rejuvenate
you. Do not put on the TV in the hotel room but use the facilities of a pool to
lounge together or swim together and spend time walking around the premises.
Connect with your partner physically and mentally. Get a couple’s spa. Do this
on a regular basis where sometimes he makes a booking and sometimes you pay for
it. Both of you will come back refreshed.
3. Participate –
You like capoeira, he likes reading. You like partying every evening, he likes
having single malt with his friends. You like cleaning, he is a slob. You have
different tastes, different backgrounds, and different groups of friends. How
do you combine to have a healthy couple life? The thing is you can’t most of
the times. You have to let each other be to enjoy what they like doing most. Nevertheless,
this doesn’t mean you can’t share in their activities. For every three times you
or he does something, the other person has to be with you on that activity
once. So if you’ve gone partying with your friends three times, the fourth time
he needs to go with you. Then you must not include other people and just spend
an evening with him alone. If he has gone golfing three times, you must go with
him the fourth time. Even if you sit and cheer him on from the stands. We need
to participate in each other’s lives. We cannot live in a bubble content with
who we are. We married so that the other person completed us in some way and we
need to make an effort to grow and learn from each other. The only way we can
do this is by trying to be happy with the other’s hobbies and learning a bit
more about it.
4. Work, Space & Internet –
Most of us are in a rat race of some kind. We want to work hard, earn well, and
retire early. Therefore, we work like maniacs. We often forget that the people
who we are working for need more time and attention from us than the things
that we buy them. Finding the balance seems to be extremely difficult. Moreover,
what most of us want at the end of a day is space and on the weekends some
peace. We live in a world where we connect with people every day but find it
difficult to connect with our spouse. So we can use the web to connect with
them. Have a steamy twitter relationship, send some encouraging words on his
Facebook dp, Whatsapp him about stuff you did. We have to start supporting our
spouses in their dreams, the lives they want for us, their hopes and only then
will they support us back. Marriage is teamwork. You give and you will get
back. Just don’t expect it. It will happen when you least anticipate it.
5. Commitment -
Many of us get married because our parents want us to. Some get married because
they think it’s the “correct time” and a few to procreate. Marriage is an
extremely strong bond that two individuals choose
for themselves. It’s a commitment
for life to look after that person because now they are your family. Many of us
give up easily. We feel we’ve done enough. The spouse doesn’t “get” us anymore.
The love, understanding, consideration is gone. We even find someone who we
have a spark with! All marriages are the same. At some time, the passion will
die. At some point neither of you will understand each other nor love each
other. And you will want to move on. This is the time when you need to hold on
even more. Your boat of marriage is going through a rocky patch of tumultuous
waters and you both need to hold on to the boat, if not each other to get past
it. This could take a few months, even a few years. But when you do come out,
you will be stronger and wiser. Many people will find that spark with you. You
are a scintillating person. Show it off to your spouse and fall in love with
each other all over again.
By Sankalpita for Rupa Publications
