Reserved for One: A poem

We don't trust enough

We don't pour out our hearts 

Telling all our secrets, our fears and surrendering to each other.
Completely and wholly. 

We can't. 

We've been taught to be cautious. 

Learnt to be guarded. 

Only a legal commitment allows exposure of the heart. 

Because what if you walk away

With the treasure trove of my insides

What if you laugh, use it against me, judge me

Hate me. 

But what if you're the only one who gets it. 

And even if you leave one day. 

You'll be the one who knows. 

And I won't care what you do with everything of me. 

Because I was meant to love you anyway. 

Mills n Boons vs Real Life Romance

“He slid his hand behind her head and brought his mouth down on hers in a hard, demanding kiss that stirred up a raw hunger. A kaleidoscope of emotions ripped through him but the prime one was need. It spread through him, not slowly, but like wildfire burning everything in sight. Gripped by it, Sean powered her back against the railing and trapped her there.” Suddenly Last Summer by Sarah Morgan, a Mills n Boon romance novel.

It’s been over 100 years since Gerald Mills and Charles Boon teamed up to publish books. Since then, they have been responsible for more than 30,000 fictional kisses.

Mills & Boon sells 130 million books each year in 109 countries and 26 languages. Someone buys a book every three seconds!

In India Harlequin, the publisher has published 26 titles in their Indian collection with authors Milan Vohra and Aastha Atray being the first authors to write a home grown Mills n Boons romance in English. Since then there have been titles that have come out in regional languages as well.

The Hindi titles "Raaste Pyaar Ke" and "Punar Milan" and Tamil titles "Bossin Kadhal" and "Avargal Meendum Inainthaargal" are available with Marathi and Malayalam editions as well.

It’s no wonder that almost every woman in the world has read at least one Mills n Boons if not more. Hence our idea of a perfect man most often stems from the heroes we’ve grown up reading. The list of qualities that he may need to possess are tall, rich, good looking, sense of humour, roguish, talented, sexy, intelligent, challenging who can sweep the woman off her feet and give her a good time in life. Now that we’ve made the list, let’s find men who can fit this role!

But alas, there’s no such thing as a perfect man or a real life Mills n Boon hero.

While a man is dating, he is at his best and puts on the cloak of a Mills n Boons hero to please his woman. He is dashing and articulate, funny and intelligent, wild yet surprisingly reliable. As soon as the man has ensnared the woman in a commitment, the cloak is kept in the back of a `routine’ closet and the man goes back into the minutiae of his existence. Meanwhile the woman is all swept up and has nowhere to go. She’s a tornado of expectation and romantic energy that she had read and tasted with the man.

The man acknowledges that he’s not a Mills n Boon hero. He recognises fact from fiction. But for a woman the realities are blurred. Her romantic notions, her relationship ideas, her future plans have been derived from an idea of a perfect romance she may have read eons ago that have stayed in her memory.

The company Harlequin has also been criticised for repeating plots, the inevitability of their happy endings, and a simple writing style, whereas fans cite predictability as a key reason for reading. While this may have boosted the sales of the books, it’s always a repeat reading or watching of something that allows it to take shape in memory. Kausar, Integrated Therapist at Sanctuary of Life mentions, “What we read or watch repeatedly will also be accompanied by our repeated interpretation of that message. Depending on our level of (un)awareness of the interpretation and its consequences on us, it can have an impact on the choices we make.” When this repeat reading of the perfect man takes shape, it is very hard for us to shake it when we do start having relationships.

In 2011, psychologist Susan Quilliam blamed romantic fiction, and Mills & Boon in particular, for poor sexual health and relationship breakdowns.

Gauhar, had always believed that her relationship would be like a Mills n Boons romance. In the beginning her husband had taken her for bike rides and chatted with her under the stars on a trek. Once they got married, the bike was traded for a cozy family car and the stars in the sky were exchanged for the stars on TV at night. “How has he changed so much?” She would ponder.

Bangalore based leading psychologist Dr Geetha Appachu has seen many cases of women with unreal expectations. She says that when a woman is stimulated by the idea of romance she equates it to love and she will perceive her relationships to have that same stimulation. Most of these women clients sit and wonder why their life is not close to what they have read.

The women are dissatisfied because they want their spouse or partner to pamper them the way a Mills n Boon hero has pampered his heroine. Often the relationship for the woman gets “boring.” Boredom then causes lack of enthusiasm in the home front and interferes in other areas of her work and society life. If the man and the relationship isn’t “exciting enough” for the woman she chooses to either break the bond or find stimulation elsewhere.

While we love our romances and Mills n Boon it’s important for all women to have realistic expectations from their relationships. When we start getting bored we must question whether it is in relation to something we’ve read, seen or heard and are comparing our life to it. A deep understanding of why you need the pampering, what more you can do in the relationship and what else can you do with life may help women in understanding themselves and their relationships better. But keep reading romance novels because they can uplift you, move you and make you smile. Just don’t make them your reality.

Research from: 

http://metro.co.uk/2008/06/04/its-hotter-under-the-covers-with-erotica-170001/#ixzz43np5GrcB

https://www.millsandboon.co.uk/np/suddenly-last-summer-a-sneaky-extract

http://www.rediff.com/getahead/report/slide-show-1-specials-mills-and-boon-now-romances-in-hindi-tamil/20130621.htm

Dr. Geetha Appachu: 094486 17789 (Bangalore)

Energy Healer: Kausar: 09849152872

10 Things Every Woman Should Know By 30

1.      Why You Don’t Need To Please Everyone - We’ve grown up hearing “Be nice to people.” We’ve been taught to keep our tongues in check and be polite to elders. This has led many women to be apologetic for their thoughts and a nature to please everyone, be it friends, family or co-workers. We can’t say NO. And we never disagree, thinking people won’t like us anymore. So what if they don’t like us? We don’t need to be rude but we can say what we feel like and sometimes it’s important to do things for ourselves. Realise what you want to do with your time and life and stop pleasing everyone at the cost of it.  

2.      When to Walk Away From Men Who Are Not into You - Some men want you, then they don’t, then they want you again. OMG. The constant back and forth of mind games that you’ll play with men and analyse every little thing they say and how you feel will leave you exhausted. We women over think relationships. Just because we see “potential” in a man doesn’t mean we give away our months, years and life to a relationship that isn’t giving us what we want. Walk away when you feel you’ve given enough to the relationship or give it a deadline. Believe me, there are plenty of good men in this world who will cherish you.

3.      That You Need to Speak to Your Family Often - You think your parents, grandparents and siblings may live forever but they won’t. The conflicts and misunderstandings you have with them should be finally put to rest. Understand that there are generation gaps, communication gaps, and cultural gaps that every family has. Every one you love may not understand you. But you can make an effort to love and understand them. When you start accepting them for who they are, they’ll start doing the same too. This is an ongoing process you need to do on a regular basis instead of thinking you tried once and it didn’t work. Make more effort.

4.      Have Your Own Bank Account and Save 1/3^rd – Most women will get a job and start spending all their money or give it to their parents to handle. Start having a grip about your own finances. Open an account and start putting money in there. Speak to a chartered accountant or banker who can advise you about savings and mutual funds for the long run. You might think you’ll earn enough and can save later but with a volatile market and risky employment in today’s times, you can find yourself out of a job at any time. That’s when you’ll need savings. If you’re getting married, always remember to open your own account. Set the precedent from the beginning or even if you’ve been married for some time, open an account for yourself. Even if your husband asks “what is the need” and you want to keep peace and please him, still open one. You’ll thank yourself later.

5.      Travel is Important – Book your tickets and dates well in advance so you can save money and travel solo or with your partner or family wherever you can. Travel is an important part of getting out of your comfort zone and experiencing new cultures, food, and life. It brings perspective and makes you realise who you are. You don’t always have to travel internationally. There are magnificent places in India that are cheaper that you must have on your bucket list.

6.      It’s Better to Be Safe than Sorry with Fashion – If you’re not comfortable wearing something, don’t push your body into doing so because it’s in fashion or from peer pressure. You’ll stand out for being yourself. Instead of having malfunctioning wardrobes and shoe bites, you’ll have the time to think about what you want from life, instead of what people think about you! One of the richest men in the world Mark Zuckerberg only wears grey shirts and jeans because he believes that he can’t waste his grey cells on deciding what to wear since he has other important things to think about!  

7.      Building Yourself – Make a CV. What all have you done with your life? What more do you want to do? Where do you see yourself in 10 years? What are you doing today to achieve that? Even if you just want to get married and have children, do enough to tell those stories later! Learn something new. Take up a course. Teach children. Help the elderly. Manage an event. Take up an adventure sport. Read a book a week. Pick up the Time magazine and read about international affairs. Friends will come and go in your life but what you do and who you become lies solely in the time you invest in yourself now.

8.      What Your Body, Skin & Soul Needs– Always use sunblock before you leave the house and remove your make up after a party no matter how tired you are. Maintain proper hygiene at all times. Get proper gynaecologist check-ups done once a year. Your body is going through a hormonal change and you need to understand and get treated regularly before it becomes a major problem! Get a massage done once in a while to pamper yourself. Spend time alone. Reflect. Introspect. Meditate. The balance you achieve now will help you deal with many issues later.

9.      How to Eat Right & Work It Out – Have a proper breakfast. Every day! Watch what you’re eating through the day. Don’t starve yourself. And don’t over eat because you’re ravenous. Choose your food and drinks wisely. It shows on your skin and your body. No amount of makeup can hide it. Even if you have a great metabolism and can burn everything, your internal organs will start deteriorating with too much fat and alcohol. Drink enough water. Work out regularly. Take the stairs if possible. Walk in the mornings for half an hour if not more every day. Do yoga, Zumba, pilates, boxing, anything that keeps you active. It’s not just to have a great body which you will, it will make your mind stronger too.

10.   Owning Your Sex Life – You don’t need to sleep with a man on the first date or even the third. You don’t need to have sex because you’re lonely or depressed or drunk. You don’t need to get back with your ex because he’s comfortable. You don’t need to get on dating apps because you feel “re-virginised.” By 30 you need to own your body and sex life. You can choose to say no or yes to a man as long as it empowers you. 

How To Judge a Man in Bed by the Coffee He Drinks!

The type of coffee you order can reveal a lot about your personality and how you are in bed!

“Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula recently conducted an observational study of 1,000 coffee drinkers. As Dr. Durvasula notes in her book entitled You Are WHY You Eat: Change Your Food Attitude, Change Your Life, despite the interesting and impressive qualitative research that was gathered “we are no more defined by our coffee orders than we are by our astrological signs.” (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/11/what-does-your-coffee-reveal-about-you/ )

So I researched further and found out the correlation between coffee and men. I could judge how a man is in bed by the coffee he ordered! The following observations are based on what men would order in a café, not what they have every day at home. (This is not an exact study and results may vary.)

1.   Men who drank black coffee were generally more traditional minded, quiet in groups, efficient, no nonsense kind of people and didn’t like to experiment in bed even though they were very passionate lovers.

2.   Men who drank cappuccinos and lattes were kind of easy, laid back people with a love of music, films and very giving in bed.

3.   Men who liked iced drinks are quite fun to be with, have a great sense of humour, sharp, intelligent and love experimenting in bed though they could be commitment phobic.

4.   Men who like their coffee with a little bit of milk and sugar might want to please too many people and be balancing too many things in life and can feel overwhelmed sometimes in life and in bed.

5.   The men who had instant coffee were procrastinators, quite absorbed in themselves and didn’t have fantastic relationships though they were very creative and good looking!

6.   The double decaf, soy, extra-foamy men tended to be more obsessive, controlling, and detail-oriented. Their sex life could be very “organised” and pencilled in.

It’s quite interesting to find the choices we make are directly related to the coffee we have. And not surprisingly as we grow older, our preferences for how we have coffee changes as well. If you observe this phenomenon further you’ll notice how as your coffee inclinations change so will your needs of your partner. Most often we start drinking the same type of coffee our partners do and invariably we can see a change in our personalities as well. When I was younger I had cappuccinos and dated a man who had cappuccinos as well. We had a live in relationship and were quite care free then. When I switched to black coffee with hazelnut I found a partner who was a black coffee drinker as well. You can guess what my sex life was! And now I have brewed coffee. Dark roasted. With sugar. And I can’t date a cappuccino man anymore!

Too much coffee can have negative effects on the health. Ideally two medium cups of coffee a day should suffice for your caffeine needs and your sexual desires!

So next time you want to date a man, don’t ask him his astrological sign, ask him how he takes his cup of coffee!

Don't Cheat! Be in a Poly Amorous Relationship

Wikipedia defines Polyamory as the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy"

There are essentially 5 rules to a poly-amorous relationship.

1.      All partners consent to it and choose to be in it.

2.      Take responsibility for your own emotions, instead of projecting them on your partner.

3.      You can practice polyamory whether you are single/in a relationship or married.

4.      You can have different kinds of relationships with different people. You can have deep emotional relationships that are not sexual. Or a sexual relationship with someone you share something with. The essence is commitment to your partners.

5.      Open, radically honest communication with all parties.

Many people confuse Polyamory with Polygamy, the practice of having multiple wives, and that is associated with traditional, patriarchal cultures, where the women may be repressed and where they do not have the same rights to take other partners themselves.

In Polyamory, women and men have the same rights and freedom to have multiple relationships. The same rules apply to both.

Polyamory is also sometimes seen as being synonymous with open relationships. But there is a deep diference between the two. Open relationships are where a couple decide to open up their relationship and marriage to sexual adventures outside the relationship. But it is purely sexual. Generally, no emotional bonds are encouraged or allowed.

In polyamory, the basis is the emotional bond. People who choose polyamory, do so because they believe in the ability to love multiple people, and want to be in multiple committed relationships.

Reema (name changed) has been in a poly amorous relationship for about five years now. It means that while she’s married, she’s  been in relationships with two men over the last few years with the full knowledge of her husband.  One of them has not been sexual in nature. Her husband too has two other relationships as well with the womenn coming over to meet Reema.

Are relationships having a paradigm shift?

A lot of relationships run into trouble because we expect our partners to be everything to us. 

There are a lot of expectations, disappointments, resentment and cheating is rife.  With polyamory, there is the recognition that you can give and get different things to and from various people. So the pressure on your one partner to be your best friend, lover, husband, therapist, who will also love theatre as much as you, who will get as excited and watch every football match together, who will share your love of poetry and obscure music, is removed. This allows a relationship the breathing space it needs.

For outsiders, their most common refrain against polyamory is that the people who practice it do not really love their partner, otherwise why would they go looking for something else? This is the biggest fallacy. Polyamory is not intended to be the refuge for the committment-phobes or the ones that are trying to escape an unhappy relationship. In fact, if it a relationship is suffering, the true poly person would be working on it instead of running away from it.

Another reason that polyamory is on the rise globally is because many people are seeing monogamy is an option not a rule.  While cheating has always existed within relationships and marriages, many today  find the idea of lying to and betraying their partners distasteful, and prefer to openly talk to each other about their desires instead.  Emotional intelligence plays a large role and this is why, by and large the people who practice polyamory tend to be highly educated and self-aware. A certain exposure to the world and being well traveled, having the time and opportunity to work on themselves, questioning ideas that are no longer relevant to oneself and making their own rules are some of the characteristics of polyamorists.

As the seminal book, Sex at Dawn points out human beings are not built to be monogamous. It was conditioning. With the arrival of the agricultural age, men needed to know who their heirs were in order to deal with land rights, legacy etc, and that is when monogamy became the norm.

Meghna has been in a poly amorous relationship for over ten years. She has a steady boyfriend and is deeply in love with a man, Karan. Her boyfriend knows about Karan and is okay about him in her life. They all have had dinner together on most nights. And Karan’s wife is close friends with Meghna.

As an independent woman one can choose who one wants to spend time with instead of hoping to spend all your time with just one man. And waiting for that man to be free or understand everything about you can get lonely or frustrating. In a poly amorous relationship no such pressure exists on partners though there is still an expectation to be loving, thoughtful and just be yourself! It takes the edge off a relationship that can actually bond it better.

Hence the relationship is defined by intention and commitment. A poly amorous relationship is different from serial monogamy, where you go from one partner to another being faithfully loyal to one at a time. This can be exhausting because you’re trying to find the perfect partner to fit into your life and it can be heart breaking when you move on rapidly from one to another. 

A poly amorous relationship allows you to have both and still be honest with all of them.

In this complex interaction lies a simplicity of being needed, of being alive, of feeling excited about the prospect of something new and still having something stable always. It’s like having your cake and eating it too.

But most couples are not ready for this in modern India. It is a huge blow to the ego to realise that your partner also loves and desires someone else. Doubt, suspicion and jealousy creep into relationships when you know that the person may not come home to you that night. And the concept of fidelity and honesty is held as the highest virtue in marriages all across the world.

So how do poly amorous relationships survive?  Through radically open, and sometimes painfull honest conversations.  You have to be able to talk about the most uncomfortable, difficult things while managing your emotions at the same time. You take responsibility for your jealousy and insecurities instead of blaming it on your partner. You support each other in their process, understanding that everyone is in a different stage.

Some people find that sharing your partner can have unexpected advantages. Dhruv has a wife whom he loves intensely. She and he have a lot of values in common, love going on holidays together and enjoying growing with their kids. At the same time, he found himself falling in love with a friend who shares his love of business and he can talk shop with.  Dhruv spoke to his wife about opening their relationship to polyamory. She was initially hesitant and had doubts but once she observed how his relationship with other woman added a spark to their own marriage, she began to open up to the idea. Dhruv also made sure she was secure and felt loved.  Later, she herself fell in love with a man who loved art and brought out a side of her she had forgotten.

But a poly amorous relationship has its downsides and it’s not for the large majority of people.

1.      Jealousy can ruin all the relationships.

2.      Initial love and trust can fade away.

3.      It can be exhausting to go from one to another.

So isn’t it easier to cheat?!

Samaira who is a poly amorous relationship says she doesn’t want to cheat on her husband or boyfriend because it’s dishonest to herself. She chooses to give trust to both. And when people understand that sex is not the main element of a relationship, they can let the ownership of the person go. In a poly amorous relationship you don’t need to lie to anyone. You don’t need to hide, sneak around, and be afraid of getting caught and having confrontational arguments. There is no betrayal! You have made your stance clear and both of you have realised that your relationship is about love, companionship, communication, and being there for each other when you need each other. That’s far beyond a sexual act! An honest relationship actually makes sex hotter!

So how do you find people who are willing to be in one once you and your partner have decided to take this step? When you travel alone or together you find like-minded people, or through dating sites, and speaking to friends of friends.

All relationships are evolving. What you needed five years or ten years ago is not something you need now. Sometimes you grow apart. And even sexuality is not in the same continuum as it was a decade ago. Our minds, our hearts and our souls make space for more people, more conversations, more experimentation, and more adventure. Isn’t it better to be honest about it rather than being deceitful to your partner and insincere to your heart?

5 Ways to Be Un-Lonely During the Holidays!

“What are you doing for the holidays?”

That can seem as the most annoying and pressurizing line of the season! It pushes us to be social. We feel the need to put those fun pics up on social media and share how cool we are for doing something interesting. So with all the pressure it’s no wonder that we get lonely. Here are 5 ways to beat the holiday blues.

1.     Throw a Party – If you’re not invited to any party, throw a party. It will keep you busy while preparing and will be something memorable for later. Even if a few people show up, you can play some songs and dance around with a close group. You can even host a party for friends who you’ve not met for a long time or complete strangers from office you wanted to know better.

2.     Join a Travel Group – If you have vacation time, join a group that likes to travel. Spend a little money on yourself going with a bunch of strangers to a place you’ve never been to.  It can be exhilarating to open up to strangers and completely unwind away from home.

3.     Start a Training Program – While everyone is eating and becoming fat you’re getting a head start on being fit. You won’t need to make those diet and exercise resolutions on 1^st January because you’re already achieving your goals from now. Read up on what you need to do to get fitter. Write your goals, feelings and achievements down. It’s a solo journey to the top. Understand it and appreciate why you’ve been chosen to be alone right now. Go conquer it!

4.     Attend Group Activities – Attend a seminar, lecture, film club, theatre workshop, a language session or just volunteering at the church, orphanage or old age home. Loneliness stems from feeling that you have no one in your life. But if you realise there are so many people who you have not let into your life, it could give you a new perspective to who else you could spend time!

5.     App it Up! – You may not meet your soul mate at this time of the year but it would help if you found someone who had similar tastes and was free during the holidays. Get on that app and go have a cup of coffee with someone interesting. You could find someone who just makes you laugh. Keep your expectations low and your positivity high. Who knows what you may find?!

Any holiday season forces us to believe we are alone and have no one in our life to share our good times with. But loneliness is a powerful emotion. If you have been chosen to be lonely, use it to understand yourself better. Your friends and family might not always be there for you and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It just means that this solitude you have is pushing you to think of what else you can do with your life and time, instead of giving in to the media pressure of doing things with people you meet every day anyway!

Maybe the best line to “What are you doing during the holidays” is replying back, “I’m going to surprise myself and do something I wouldn’t want to share with anyone!”

5 Ways to NOT Be a Clingy Girlfriend

Stop Constant Questions – Where are you? When are you coming home? When are we meeting? What are you thinking? What are you planning for our anniversary? When should we meet? Why aren’t we getting married? The constant questions will make your boyfriend run from you faster than a zebra from a lion. Maybe he doesn’t have all the answers. Maybe he needs some space. Give him time to call and chase you a bit. Keep the mystery alive.

Stop Going For His Boys Nights – He has a life beyond you. He has friends he likes to drink with. This is his support system! Stop landing up for his Boys Night Outs to spend time with him. Soon all his friends will hate you and ostracise him. And ultimately he’ll resent you. Give him that one night a week or month off to just enjoy himself and get sloshed, without you giving him grief the next day. He’ll love you more.

Stop Asking About Marriage – Everyone wants to know where the relationship is going as soon as the third date is over. Some men don’t want to get married. It’s not that they’re commitment phobic, it’s just that they enjoy their space and freedom as much as they love you. Think about an alternate life with him if he’s not ready for marriage. Redefine your relationship. And if you truly want to get married and your “biological clock is ticking” set a deadline and move on if he’s still not ready, instead of pushing him into it and regretting it later.

Stop Comparing – Your best friend is getting married, another is going on a Europe tour with her boyfriend and another has been introduced to his parents. Instead of whining, demanding and comparing your relationship to others, realise what you have. Does he love you? Does he listen to you when you talk about your dreams? Does he give you space and support you? Does he look after you when you’re upset? Those are good things in a relationship. Treasure them and cherish him. Don’t demand him doing it all the time. Sometimes he doesn’t have the bandwidth to support, listen or love you. Doesn’t mean he can’t later. Give him time.

Stop Being Suspicious – He liked a girl’s photo on Facebook. He must be cheating on me! He is having a coffee with his old school friend. He’s probably cheating on me! He has a girl on his team at work?! He is definitely cheating on me! Stop getting suspicious. If you’re cool and easy about the girls in his life, he’ll appreciate it. But the more you lock him down about every female he’s spoken to, he’ll hate you. It’s ok to be possessive and a little jealous. Let him know how much you lust after him and hate it when anyone else does so too. By giving him space to make a choice, he’ll never want to leave you.    

For more laughs buy My Clingy Girlfriend here: http://goo.gl/VwPjmN

10 Sex Questions From Men - Uncensored

1) I have fantasized about making love in the kitchen but my girlfriend doesn’t believe in experimenting. How do I convince her?

I’m glad that you’re trying to spice things up. However, you must realise that most women have an orgasm in the missionary position on a bed rather than being tangled in strange postures in various rooms. Therefore, you must tell your girlfriend that maybe the sex in the kitchen or anywhere else is not just about an orgasm. It’s about the adventure and the memories you’re creating together.

Then there are two ways to do this correctly. One when you’re having foreplay, coax her into the kitchen and find a comfortable spot. You must have got the kitchen cleaned first. You can’t have dirty dishes lying around. Nothing distracts a woman more than wanting to scream at her maid for not clearing up!! Make sure the lights are dimmed or have a candle lit. Draw the curtains if your girlfriend is shy. She might not like voyeuristic sex.

The second way is to start experimenting in other areas like the drawing room on a sofa or the bathroom and then move to the kitchen. Maybe the cold marble slab is not appealing to her. As Ma Sarita, the tantric sex expert claims “Women's needs from sex revolve around love, companionship and intimacy whereas a man seeks excitation, orgasm and ejaculation.” Be sure to give her plenty of love before you initiate the excitement. All the best!

2) In all the relationships that I’ve had, it’s been a tough task to decode what turned her on. What are a major turn on for a woman?

The scent of a man is very important. If you smell good, you’ve already won half the battle. Then the usual qualities would work – how you treat a woman, making her feel important, giving undivided attention, being funny, be smart, not arrogant or too cool, and never jump to have sex. Don’t talk about past relationships or hope for her to meet your parents on the first date, support her dreams, and be interested in her ideas. When you’ve succeeded in winning her attention, be gentle and firm in bed. Know when to lead and when to let her take over. In a Cosmopolitan survey of what women wanted from men, how a man looked or what he earned was lower than how he made her feel. Always remember that. Good luck!

3) I am in my late 20s and been in a relationship for the last 4 years. But for the past 1 and a half years my girlfriend has been pressurizing me to be a “man”. We have an amazing sex life and a smooth relationship, so I don’t understand what she mean? Help!

It takes time for a man to open up to a woman about his life and his problems. And women are always pressurizing men to “share more.” But when they do, women don’t really want to hear it on a daily basis! Have you been unloading all your problems to her too often? Maybe she needs a little more listening from your side and less cribbing? Don’t hunt for a mother in her. Make sure the bathroom is clean and you put away your own ironed clothes if you’re living with her. Nurture her by taking her out on dates. She needs to feel protected. Drop her home if she’s working late. Take charge of both your goals and dreams and make decisions. If she has a wish, fulfil it. If she is upset, angry, or hurt, listen to her. Give advice only when she asks for it and stop whining in return about how you’re hurt or upset too. Wear a little less pink! Keep an unshaven look for a few days and try something new in bed.  You’ll be man enough for her to never look at another male species.

4) I have just got into a relationship with a lovely, funny woman. She doesn’t like the idea of going out and it is too soon to take her home. I really like her and want her. What should I do?

Indian women are sometimes shy and conservative. So start by taking her in a group of friends or a double date – her girl friend and another guy with both of you. Do something casual like watching a movie or going for coffee. Once you get to know her better then plan an outing doing what she likes – trekking, going to the bookstore, walk in the park, etc. Ask her if she would like to do it with just you. Remember the more conversation you have with her, the closer you will get. Making yourself vulnerable, open and staying honest will always go a long way in love.  

5) My girlfriend is on good terms with my best friend and she talks a lot about him. I recently spotted them together in a bar. They said it was a coincidence. Am I being too possessive or is it time to confront her?

It’s time to confront her. There are no coincidences.

6) My girlfriend complains that there isn’t enough foreplay. Tips?

Here are a few tips of foreplay:

• Don’t rush to undress.
• Kiss a little longer.
• Play with her hair, ears, neck.
• Whisper sweet nothings in her ear – you’re so beautiful, your hair is so luscious, you’re the best kisser ever...
• Gently rub your hands down her back with the tips of your fingers.
• Move hands slowly over breasts.
• Gently suck on nipples.
• Keep a surprise element when you go down on her. Don’t rush it.   
• Use props if you need to. Silk scarves, ties, blindfold...
• Take your time before actual coitus.

7) I have been in a relationship for 3 and half years and it feels like she is the boss in the bed. It was fun but I’m a little unsatisfied of late. Any moves I can use?

Maybe she takes charge in bed because she feels she needs to. If you show her how you can please her, she won’t be so dominating. Here are a few tips:

• Experiment with role play. Tell her to wear your office shirt and nothing underneath and come into the room where you’re in bed. Or something that fuels your imagination and hers with household props.
• Don’t ask too many questions. “Do you want me to turn off the lights? Is the ac ok? Are you comfortable? Do you want to eat something first?” Stop it!
• Tell her what you want. “I want you to take your clothes off.” “I want you to sit on that chair.” “I want you to loosen your hair.” Don’t take her opinion on it. Be firm.
• Speak dirty. Ask her how she’s feeling. “Tell me how much you like it.” “Moan for me.”
• Be bold in touching her, not aggressive and rough, but firm and confident.
• Spend time in all her erogenous zones instead of just going to only one or two.
• Change positions. You don’t need to have sex in just one way. It’s not just about the orgasm. It’s about having fun and experimenting in weird ways that makes you connect with each other better.
• Compliment her for her work, choices, managing home, etc. Some women feel they need to be aggressive in bed to prove a point that they are superwoman. You must converse with her enough to make her feel she’s great in whatever she does. 
• Remind yourself that you’re a powerful personality too. Not just in bed but every day. When that confidence shines through, you’ll conquer anything!

8) I am 30 but older woman of 50 really turn me on. I really want to get with one of them. Shall I?

Try your luck but older women always come with baggage. They’re not going to marry you, have your children or meet your parents. If it’s fun with no emotional attachment that you seek, go for it. Otherwise, stick to women your own age who can develop the relationship further if you fall in love.

9) My girlfriend gets randy while kissing, it’s almost like she is chewing me. It does turn me on but she needs to slow down a bit. How can I tell her without pissing her off?

First you need to appreciate the fact that the woman loves kissing you. Tell her that you would be even more turned on if it was done slower. Tell her there’s no hurry, you’re not going anywhere and you want to please her as well. Probably she’s seen this in movies and is displaying it in real life. Show her how to kiss better. Sometimes gentle criticism and soft encouragement to improve could help in keeping your lips intact.

10) I’ve been married for 10 years, tried all kinds of positions and places. It doesn’t feel as good in bed as it used to. Any tips on how I can spice things up?

The India Today Sex Survey of 2012 showed that 35 per cent woman admit to reading or watching pornography, as opposed to 13 per cent a decade ago. You can start with watching a great porn movie together! Then move on to planning a hotel night where she’s not worried about the household problems. If you have children keep a relative/ nanny at home while you’re away for the night. Plan a longer vacation without children that could spice up the relationship. You can also try to be romantic. Send her some negligee with a note that she would look wonderful wearing it. Plan a spa day for her so she’s relaxed.

Maybe even have some time away from each other so that when you meet, the craving and passion comes back. Passion always comes from the mind. The body only follows. If you believe that you’re with the most beautiful woman in the world like you did when you married her, feel it, accept it, prove it!

The Importance of Loneliness

A friend told me recently: It’s been a year since my divorce. Maybe I should find a man. I’m so lonely.

And that got me thinking.

What is wrong with loneliness?

It’s the most powerful emotion to have.

It’s not from happiness, peace or ambition that we grow. It’s from loneliness. So many couples think that marriage and being with another human being is supposed to fill a void. But no one realizes that even if you’re with someone that void is a gift. 

Loneliness is powerful. 

It gives you a sense of what you’re lacking. And that lack is not just time with your spouse. It’s a lack of more energy in your life. It’s the universe’s way of telling you are so much more. What more do you want to do. Besides this person in your life, what else can you be? And only from loneliness will your soul grow. 

It’s sad when you see couples just being together all the time. Doing the same things. Feeling the same way having common emotions and values and hooping for the same dreams of bigger houses better cars good education for kids. And then partying together, spending every minute either together or in filling their time with people and work. 

So often we shun loneliness thinking that it is negative. It makes us depressed. Not being able to understand that it is highly under rated. We must embrace it. And from there we will grow. Enjoy your time alone. Enjoy your space. And reflect on yourself. Be lonely. It’s worth it.