The Effect of Divorce on Men

It takes a lot to make a commitment in the first place. You’ve found the person of your dreams and you hope that you’ll grow old with them. So when the marriage crumbles and the fabric of this dream of togetherness starts unravelling there are two people who are left bruised and battered. We rarely see it from the husband’s point of view. Here are a few things that are going through a man’s mind when he’s getting a divorce:

1.     What do I do with my Children? - There are many men who are concerned about their children and not being able to wake up in the same house as them. They want to provide for their offspring but they also want time and love from their children. Harish Mukherjee* is in a bitter court battle against his wife who walked out on him with his two kids. She’s only allowing access to them if he hands over the property in which he is living and a fat alimony to look after the children. But Harish can’t give that because he’ll be out on the streets. So he hasn’t seen his kids. He realises that this will affect the children at a deeper level later in the future but he is helpless. For other men they feel that their children will pick sides and before they can do that, the man has moved away so that he doesn’t get hurt. For others they suddenly need to find time for children because it’s not easy to meet them every day. This leaves a sense of imbalance in their life.

2.     What happens to my Finances and Property? – When the man was living with his wife and children, he was looking after one house. But when a divorce happens, he needs to look after two houses, his own where he has shifted if he’s not gone back to staying with his parents and the one where his wife and children are still staying. A wife may also demand property in the settlement and it could cause a massive ego tussle since the man has worked hard to have savings and buy property and he believes his wife wants to snatch that away from him. There is a deep insecurity about how he will save again.

3.     How did I lose my authority? – Most boys grow up to believe that they’ll be the “man of the house.” Hence they have a lot of power and authority at home, especially if it’s a joint family. So when the woman leaves it’s a huge blow to their ego. Divorce Lawyer Swaty Singh Malik says most men who come to her say, “How can she leave me? I can leave her!” Suddenly when they’ve lost the power at home, men find it difficult to concentrate on other aspects in their life and may try to find that power and dominance over others in other spheres, says senior psychologist Gitali Chatterji at Inner Space.

4.     Who will love me again? – As soon as he’s got a divorce, a man may feel free and liberated and date many women. But it isn’t easy for a man to be alone. After a while he realises that his mind set has changed from what it was when he was in his twenties. He is now so used to having a wife and a family that he begins to crave it. Gautam Iyer refused to give his wife a divorce for many years believing that she will get back to him. After he was convinced that she will never return, he promptly signed the legal paper, got on a marriage website and married the first girl he dated.

5.     Why are people judging me? – Most divorces end in ugly battles with the woman filing a 498A or a Domestic Violence case against the husband. And most times it is true. But in the rare cases when it’s not true, the man is automatically judged by his friends, society and the children’s school where gossip flows freely and he is condemned unless proven innocent. Lawyer Swaty Singh Malik says she has handled many cases where the man has just given away crores to the wife to have peace of mind. She said women can use children and the media to get back at the husband and people will be sympathetic towards her. In not so extreme cases, a couple does lose friends. During the course of a marriage, couples begin to meet collectively. When a divorce happens friends choose sides and suddenly a man’s social circle diminishes. For a man who is shy, reserved and has made friends through his wife’s friends, he finds himself alone and friendless.

It’s not easy for men to get a divorce. And even though they may not show it, they are heartbroken and insecure too. Most men should know that there are support groups who can help them in this difficult time. You must also reach out to your family and friends and talk to them, instead of bottling up your emotions. A good lawyer can also advise you on the correct steps to take. And most importantly don’t shy away from seeing a counsellor in your city who can help you deal with the issues at a core level. 

  

*(names changed to protect identity)

5 Reasons Married Women Have Affairs

Kavita. 36. Warm. Friendly. Highly accomplished. Doctor. Mother. Married.

After ten years of marriage, three vacations and one child Kavita realised that she needed more in life. She went away on solo vacations, took up yoga, found herself in meditation and still needed more. She had that much energy. That much love to give. And at 36 she could not waste it by sitting at home and waiting for her husband to figure out what she needed. That’s when David entered her life and she started having a rocking affair.

Why are so many married women having affairs? Here are 5 reasons!

1.      Loneliness – You’re at home with your husband and he’s watching TV and you’re trying desperately to make conversation. On a weekend you want to go on a date and he takes you to the movies all the while he is on the phone checking his emails and chatting with someone else. And if half the time he’s travelling or comes home late at night, a woman is bound to feel lonely. She feels there’s no connection! She will reach for the closest man in her life – a childhood friend, the funny colleague, her brother’s best friend. It all starts with the thought, “I’m so lonely. I just want to be appreciated.” Husbands need to engage with their wives, not just fulfil their duty. They need to bring back some romance and not take their wives for granted.

2.      Lust – All women have body issues. No one is completely happy with who they are. So if a woman has gone to a party and a man has paid her a compliment sincerely and had a great conversation with her engaging her mind, you can be sure she will be lusting for him. He may not be very handsome or ideal for long term but he’s great for a good conversation and a shag maybe. Starts with the thought, “I need someone to be attracted to me.” Husbands need to have a passionate weekend/evening with their wives occasionally where the focus is on her and trying new things in bed to show how much they lust after her.

3.      Nurturing – All women need attention and if there’s a man who’s giving her some attention and cares about her feelings, the affair is bound to happen. All it takes is for a man to ask her, “Have you eaten? Are you ok?” Women are born nurturers and do a lot in the day that husbands take for granted. If a man takes control of looking after her, he will have her heart. Husbands can truly care for their wives by helping with children, taking the wives out for dinners when she doesn’t feel like cooking, checking if she’s okay intermittently through the day.

4.      Intellectual High – There are so many women who have affairs within their office or with men in creative fields. It’s because they’re attracted to intelligence, wit and creativity. Most husbands refuse to share what’s happening at their work place, or talk about how they’re feeling and choose to let themselves lounge around at home saying they’re “tired.” It becomes boring for the woman who ultimately will seek out interesting new men. And if this man finds her interesting too, then she feels she’s matched to his creative energy and an affair happens. No matter how dull the day was it’s important for a husband to share it with his wife and always listen to her positively about her day as well.

5.      Money & Power – Several men like being in middle management. They are comfortable with going to work, earning enough and coming back on time. Without any hobbies, interests or ambition, a man can wither away and take his relationship down the drain as well. A woman is attracted to a man with plans, who wants to earn more, who is driven and wants to go further with his life. She is even more excited when this man asks her for her opinion and follows through with it. If he is already in a position of power, she feels an adrenaline rush if an important man thinks she’s attractive! Husbands should remember why their wives chose them in the first place and bring back that drive and ambition. 

5 Ways to Be Un-Lonely During the Holidays!

“What are you doing for the holidays?”

That can seem as the most annoying and pressurizing line of the season! It pushes us to be social. We feel the need to put those fun pics up on social media and share how cool we are for doing something interesting. So with all the pressure it’s no wonder that we get lonely. Here are 5 ways to beat the holiday blues.

1.     Throw a Party – If you’re not invited to any party, throw a party. It will keep you busy while preparing and will be something memorable for later. Even if a few people show up, you can play some songs and dance around with a close group. You can even host a party for friends who you’ve not met for a long time or complete strangers from office you wanted to know better.

2.     Join a Travel Group – If you have vacation time, join a group that likes to travel. Spend a little money on yourself going with a bunch of strangers to a place you’ve never been to.  It can be exhilarating to open up to strangers and completely unwind away from home.

3.     Start a Training Program – While everyone is eating and becoming fat you’re getting a head start on being fit. You won’t need to make those diet and exercise resolutions on 1^st January because you’re already achieving your goals from now. Read up on what you need to do to get fitter. Write your goals, feelings and achievements down. It’s a solo journey to the top. Understand it and appreciate why you’ve been chosen to be alone right now. Go conquer it!

4.     Attend Group Activities – Attend a seminar, lecture, film club, theatre workshop, a language session or just volunteering at the church, orphanage or old age home. Loneliness stems from feeling that you have no one in your life. But if you realise there are so many people who you have not let into your life, it could give you a new perspective to who else you could spend time!

5.     App it Up! – You may not meet your soul mate at this time of the year but it would help if you found someone who had similar tastes and was free during the holidays. Get on that app and go have a cup of coffee with someone interesting. You could find someone who just makes you laugh. Keep your expectations low and your positivity high. Who knows what you may find?!

Any holiday season forces us to believe we are alone and have no one in our life to share our good times with. But loneliness is a powerful emotion. If you have been chosen to be lonely, use it to understand yourself better. Your friends and family might not always be there for you and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It just means that this solitude you have is pushing you to think of what else you can do with your life and time, instead of giving in to the media pressure of doing things with people you meet every day anyway!

Maybe the best line to “What are you doing during the holidays” is replying back, “I’m going to surprise myself and do something I wouldn’t want to share with anyone!”

How To Heal From a Heartbreak: A Conversation Between Two Friends

The latest conversation between 2 friends on how to heal from a heartbreak and apps that may help. 

Aditi: Nowadays the best way to get over a man is to get on Tinder. 

Kaveri: Tinder makes it easy for us to move on doesn't it? 
Aditi: Tell me about it! Practically every other person on Tinder has broken up recently. It has a sub club for broken hearts!
Kaveri: It does?!

Aditi: Nah I’m kidding. But it is about people who have broken up from someone and want to move on. I think it's important to meet and greet new people. Memories of your broken past are the most painful! And, very difficult, nay, impossible to get away from. You crave distraction. Anything, just anything to stop thinking about your ex. Kaveri: Ya.

Aditi: A broken hearted soul needs the comfort of friends, family. Somehow to push them to get out of the house, put some effort in dressing up, play sports. You just can't get yourself to do it on your own. You just want to lay in bed, eat chips, drink coke/alcohol, watch TV cos sleep eludes you and you don't remember what your life was about before it all. Or that you even had a life.

Kaveri: Heartbreak happens when one person in the relationship moves on and the other still believes they can work it out.

Aditi: When you start dating again, you slowly realise how abundant the universe is. How, if you make the slightest effort, it'll offer you countless opportunities.

Kaveri: When both move on it’s called a passage of time

Aditi: Not necessarily. It happens when one person wants to move on and the other isn't there yet. When you want to make it work, there's hope in your mind.

Kaveri: When one moves on, it just leaves the other one behind, drowning in what happened and how this investment left them empty, broken. Whether it was worth it.

Aditi: If only we realise that everything is worth it and it’s better than being with someone who stopped loving you. Then no matter how much you try, you’ll never get that person back. Because he’s already gone. He’s mentally miles away from you. And you’re just wasting your time.

Kaveri: So we should just pick up the pieces of ourselves and give them to someone else? Like Tinder asks us to do?
Aditi: No. But just keep them to yourself for some time while taking pieces from others. Their happiness, their laughter, their compliments. God knows your ego will need it for a bit.
Kaveri: For how long?
Aditi: For at least a few months. That’s how you heal from a heartbreak. And heal you will. Believe in that. And then you'll find someone, even on Tinder and they'll be the one. And you'll become exclusive and believe in love again. 

Excerpt from Advantage Love: Misunderstandings & Heartbreak.

Get your copy here: http://goo.gl/hS4thL

Excerpt:

Sun rays streamed through the windows early morning. The smell of freshly brewed Colombian coffee wafted through the kitchen. Trisha lay sleeping under the soft white duvet in Vedant’s bedroom. She moved her hand to the space beside her hoping to find his smooth bare body that she could ravish once again. Instead, she found his side of the bed empty. She opened her eyes slowly and realized he wasn’t there. She lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. What a wonderful night it had been.  Just then, she could feel him standing at the doorway looking at her and she turned to realize she was correct. She didn’t know when her senses had suddenly decided to tune into acknowledging his presence but somewhere over the course of these two years she was in harmony with Vedant.

There was something that was not in harmony though, and she knew she had to address it today before it became too late.

“Coffee my love?” Vedant said as he brought over a dark blue mug of black coffee for Trisha with two spoons of sugar. Just the way she liked it.

She smiled and sat up. The sheets moved and left one side of her leg expose . He slid into bed next to her, sliding his hand up her thigh that was left naked. She giggled and said more seriously, “Vedant, before we get into anything there is something we need to talk about.’

“Oh those are never good words for a man to hear at any time of the day. Especially not when he’s most aroused and just dying to do all sorts of naughty things.” He said trying to distract her.

But she wasn’t buying it. She took a long gulp of her coffee scalding her tongue while at it but determined to have this conversation. Yesterday they may have made up but the issues of the fights still lingered in her head.

“Vedant, what’s going to happen to us after graduation?” she asked seriously.

Vedant sighed and sat back on the bed with his one arm under his head, “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Should we get married?” Trisha asked, finally being bold to broach the subject and hear a positive answer.

Instead Vedant gave a long laugh and took a sip of water from his nightstand, “Married? Trisha you’re just twenty four years old. I’m barely twenty seven. We haven’t met each other’s families. We don’t know if they will like each other or…or… if they will even like us. It’s kind of complicated right now don’t you think?”

Trisha drained her coffee in one gulp.  She was seething with anger and she knew she shouldn’t say anything in haste. She took some time to think before responding, “Are we getting married or are our families getting married?”

“In India a marriage is between two families. Never about two people.” Vedant said defiantly.

“Suppose we get engaged now and then decide if we want to get married later in a few years?” she said as she turned to face him.

Vedant shook his head, “I can’t get into politics being engaged Trisha. It would ruin my career. People would think I care more about romancing around trees than I do about their suffering.”

Trisha tried to maintain her composure. “Get real, Vedant. There are so many young politicians who are engaged these days. It’s not like you are joining Bollywood! People don’t think love is about romancing around trees. ”

“Yes they do,” he snapped. “You and I live in ivory towers and we can afford all the luxuries of the world. But for the common man who is eighty percent of this country, they think love is what they see on screens. That’s why they emulate their heroes and get into trouble later. They need a leader who can take them out of their suffering—not a lovelorn politician who is romancing his fiance. I have been trained for so many years to be that. This is my start. I can’t give that up.” Vedant said as he got out of bed and moved into the kitchen.

It was a typical behavior of his to try to get his way by leaving the room with a defying statement and then hear the applause from an audience. But Trisha was used to arguing and she followed him outside grabbing her robe from the bathroom while at it.

“But you’re ready to give us up?” she demanded in a louder tone.

“I honestly don’t have a solution,” Vedant said nonchalantly, as he poured some foreign breakfast cereal into a fancy cut-glass bowl that he was particularly fond of and bought at an exorbitant price. Bah. Talk about serving the poor of the country, she thought with bitterness. She couldn’t believe he was being so selfish. This was not the Vedant she knew, who would deliver Italian food to her apartment and quote English poets from another century. “Well do you think we should have a long distance relationship?” She was determined to elicit a response from him today.

Vedant sat on the high stool at the large open kitchen counter and poured the milk from the container into the bowl before replying, “I would prefer that we take it a bit slowly. Let’s meet the parents at graduation. See if they hit it off and they like us. Then you think about when you want to shift to Mumbai and find a place. I mean, I could help you but you are the type who never wants anyone’s help! Let us continue seeing each other and then decide if we want to take it a step further and get engaged.”

Trisha was shocked. She had thought that Vedant would be ready to be engaged after these two years with her and they would at least try to make their relationship work long distance. He knew that she was planning to take up a job in Delhi.  Once she could establish herself with a job and finally ease out the distance part from travelling from Delhi to Lucknow to Mumbai to Lucknow in her head, she would be ready to join him. However, it seemed as if Vedant was calling this off right now! And he was being so clinical about it! Suddenly Trisha had a terrible thought in her head. Had he just been playing with her these two years? Maybe he had just used her for all his rallies and thanked her in bed. Now that she recalled, he hadn’t bought her any gift except books in these last two years. For all the money he had, he never bought a piece of jewellery or an item of clothing for her. And from her limited savings, she had bought him Osho chappals and Elvis t-shirts! She had moved into his apartment because she wanted to spend more time with him and he had agreed. He had never offered.

Her head started spinning. She had been a pawn in his game. He was so good at politics that he didn’t know when to stop. He had used her. And she had let him. She had lost her virginity to him. She felt so ashamed at the thought that she  tried to hold her head as she felt faint. She grabbed the kitchen counter. Vedant saw this and shouted, “Trisha you’re going to fall.” He jumped off the seat and guided her to the sofa. He quickly brought her some juice and went back to put two toasts in the toaster. She knew that her blood pressure had again fallen, memories of their encounter at the hospital coming back to her in sickening waves.

Trisha drank the juice slowly and when he came back with the toasts, she stared at him. “Vedant Dheeraj Kirloskar, did you really love me at all?”

Vedant looked at her as if she had gone mad, “What are you talking about?”

“Well I said I love you to you first and you only said it when you knew I would agree to sleep with you,” Trisha remarked bluntly.

Vedant looked at the plate and back at her and replied sternly, “Just eat your toast. One has Nutella and one has plain butter. It will help with your blood pressure. You’re just working yourself up to no good. And if you don’t remember, I was the one who waited till you were ready.” He put it down on the sofa next to her and went back to his cereal on the kitchen counter.

“I need to know Vedant,” Trisha yelled through her tears.

Vedant said, “Trisha you’re just being hyper. Of course, I love you! We’ll figure something out with our relationship. I don’t have all the answers right now. We have a week till graduation and you know the number of things we need to do before that.”

Trisha finished her juice and stood up. She didn’t touch the toasts that he had made for her. She found her jeans lying in a heap in the drawing room, which flooded her mind of the wonderful moments just a few hours earlier. However, in the light of day, the room, the man, and her life looked very different. A relationship cannot exist in a status quo. It can change its nature, structure, and meaning. But it can't be about what it was when it started.

She wore her clothes right there, grabbed her purse, and decided to leave.

“Where are you going?” Vedant tried to call after her, “Trisha don’t be this way. Come on. Please baby.”

Trisha shook her head. Sometimes you need someone who can match your voltage. Not fuse your light. “Have your driver send over my things to my room. You’re right. I have a lot of things to take care of before graduation.” Trisha said with her back to Vedant and stormed out of his house. She knew it would be the last time she ever went there. She needed answers then. And Vedant had refused to give it. It wasn’t as if it was the first time they had had this fight. But this had been the most volatile and she knew it would be the last.

CNN-IBN Chat: Are relationships getting more complicated as time progresses?

Wanted to interact more with people who were having relationship problems. Felt that too many people asked me questions on Twitter and I was unable to answer only in 140 characters. Some things needed more explanations. So CNN-IBN decided to do a chat with me and for one hour I interacted with people in a chat room. From answering questions on who's my favourite superhero to how to manage a boyfriend who only thinks about porn, I answered all questions.

Read, learn, enjoy, laugh and join me next time!

http://ibnlive.in.com/chat/view/1280.html  

How to Get Over a Break Up

First of all I think the hardest thing in the world is to have a relationship. To get into it, to maintain it and then to realize that you have invested all your energies and time and years into something that you now feel is not going anywhere. Never mind that you don’t know where it should be going. You know that it is the end. So it’s time. It’s time to let go and break up. You’ve said those angry words, you’ve said the goodbyes and slammed down the phone. You’ve had the teary farewell. Now what? Let’s list them out.

 

1.   Move. Really. If you can’t move countries, move cities. Ok you can’t move because your work is there, go stay somewhere where you feel pampered. Rent out a hotel room for a few nights and live luxuriously…and don’t call your ex and try to get them to visit.

2.   Travel. Take a vacation. Not just for 1 day but for a whole week and weekend. Go preferably far away from everything that reminds you of that person. Somewhere where neither of you ever wanted to go… so you do it alone. Take a friend if you have to and if no one agrees, just do it alone. Ok it takes money but what have you been saving for anyway? What better time than now? Take the sick leaves from your company and go.

3.   Get a makeover. This sounds clichéd and doesn’t really help. After you’ve got the hair cut and bought the new clothes, you’ll go back to feeling low since you’ll want to show it to your ex and that’s just a bad idea. So get a makeover for your soul. Join a class that you would generally not do so - Bollywood dancing, pole dancing, art of living, yoga, or better yet boxing, karate and wrestling. Anything that takes you away from the normal and where you can meet new people while venting out your frustration.

4.   Casual Sex. Yes. Yes. Let us all be morally offended by the idea but we all know that the best way to get over a person is to get under another one. Be safe and all that, but go ahead and feel happy that at least a part of you is satisfied. Wink wink.

5.   Eat Cabbage. Here’s why - While that brownie and vodka will make you feel better now, it won’t do anything for you tomorrow or day after. And one day you will look at yourself in the mirror and be horrified with what that person has done to you. Because after all you were doing it because of them. And then you’ll be depressed. No use. Don’t say the s word (salad) It’ll make you feel like you’re on a diet. But eat the cabbage.

6.   If you feel the need to talk to them, send text messages, chat, do all the things you’ve been doing for so long, then write the notes on separate pages of a diary or notebook. There’s a diary online that you can pen down your thoughts every time you feel like ventilating. You can even make it public and let the rest of share in your thoughts! Do not pick up that phone.

7.   Get a pet. Pets distract. I would have said have a baby since that’s the best form of mind-boggling work, but that would take 9 months and a person…so forget that and get a pet. Fish don’t count.

8.   Find a friend. No I do not meet call your best friends and whine to them again. They’ve heard it all and frankly are bored with your relationship. Find a friend online. Join Internet groups. There’s a whole world out there of whiny people who can sympathize with you. And who knows, one of them might be The One!

9.   Watch a movie every night. No, not a romantic one. Make it a point to keep yourself busy post work. Go watch it alone. Make friends with the popcorn man. Watch every movie and every play there is in town. Then rent dvds and watch them back-to-back till you’re tired and fall asleep. Pretty soon you’ll realize that you don’t have the urge to pick up the phone and call that person.

10.           Renovate your house. There’s nothing more distracting than having painters, carpenters and builders working at your place asking for suggestions. Go shopping for new things for the house. At the end, you will have a beautiful new home where you can invite all those new friends and share new energies with. Let the good times begin, again!

The First Time : a poem, a memory, a feeling.

The first time I saw you

You were wearing black.

You walked straight past me

Not knowing, not caring, not wanting.

You smiled as you got to the door

And just as you opened it

You looked back.

The first time we kissed

Was in your car

Under the flickering street lamp

Not planning, not understanding, not concerned.

And then you dropped me home

And left me alone.

The first time we made love

It lasted the entire night

Gripping. Hungry. And raw.

Not spoken, not comprehended, not defended.

And when the dawn broke

Our other life began.

The first time you said goodbye

I cried my heart out

Till I could feel nothing anymore.

Not realizing, not believing, not speaking.

The senses stood still for a long time

And then it didn’t matter anymore.

The first time I remembered you

Was when it rained today.

Soaking my clothes, touching my skin, caressing my face.

Not with consent. Not with concern. Not with consequence.

Just like, you had taken my heart.

The first time you saw me.

Heartbreak

I.Already. Know

Yes I need to move on.

You don’t need to say it again and again.

I’m turning and leaving now.

You’ve seen enough of my tears.

Did it matter?

Did it move you at all?

One last glance.

I’ve stopped screaming.

You can turn now.

No I’m not ok.

Am I supposed to be?

Was that the end you imagined?

Silence doesn’t help. Not now.

 It was my fault.

Actually not.

 I told you what I wanted.

I told you.

What did you want?

 I know what you want now.

It took too long for you to decide.

You wasted my time.

Yes I’m ranting again.

But maybe this last bit of energy is worth it.

Maybe you need to hear it.

Will it matter?

 Will you come back?

 No. I don’t even want that.

It’s not easy.

It never is.

Yet we do it again and again and again.

Fall in love.

Yes this is what heartbreaks feel like.