It takes a
lot to make a commitment in the first place. You’ve found the person of your
dreams and you hope that you’ll grow old with them. So when the marriage
crumbles and the fabric of this dream of togetherness starts unravelling there
are two people who are left bruised and battered. We rarely see it from the
husband’s point of view. Here are a few things that are going through a man’s
mind when he’s getting a divorce:
1. What do I do with my Children? - There are many men who are concerned about their children
and not being able to wake up in the same house as them. They want to provide
for their offspring but they also want time and love from their children.
Harish Mukherjee* is in a bitter court battle against his wife who walked out
on him with his two kids. She’s only allowing access to them if he hands over
the property in which he is living and a fat alimony to look after the
children. But Harish can’t give that because he’ll be out on the streets. So he
hasn’t seen his kids. He realises that this will affect the children at a
deeper level later in the future but he is helpless. For other men they feel
that their children will pick sides and before they can do that, the man has
moved away so that he doesn’t get hurt. For others they suddenly need to find
time for children because it’s not easy to meet them every day. This leaves a
sense of imbalance in their life.
2. What happens to my Finances and Property? – When the man was living with his
wife and children, he was looking after one house. But when a divorce happens,
he needs to look after two houses, his own where he has shifted if he’s not
gone back to staying with his parents and the one where his wife and children
are still staying. A wife may also demand property in the settlement and it
could cause a massive ego tussle since the man has worked hard to have savings
and buy property and he believes his wife wants to snatch that away from him.
There is a deep insecurity about how he will save again.
3. How did I lose my authority? – Most boys grow up to believe that they’ll be the “man of
the house.” Hence they have a lot of power and authority at home, especially if
it’s a joint family. So when the woman leaves it’s a huge blow to their ego.
Divorce Lawyer Swaty Singh Malik says most men who come to her say, “How can
she leave me? I can leave her!” Suddenly when they’ve lost the power at home,
men find it difficult to concentrate on other aspects in their life and may try
to find that power and dominance over others in other spheres, says senior
psychologist Gitali Chatterji at Inner Space.
4. Who will love me again? – As soon as he’s got a divorce, a man may feel free and
liberated and date many women. But it isn’t easy for a man to be alone. After a
while he realises that his mind set has changed from what it was when he was in
his twenties. He is now so used to having a wife and a family that he begins to
crave it. Gautam Iyer refused to give his wife a divorce for many years believing
that she will get back to him. After he was convinced that she will never
return, he promptly signed the legal paper, got on a marriage website and
married the first girl he dated.
5. Why are people judging me? – Most divorces end in ugly battles with the woman filing a
498A or a Domestic Violence case against the husband. And most times it is
true. But in the rare cases when it’s not true, the man is automatically judged
by his friends, society and the children’s school where gossip flows freely and
he is condemned unless proven innocent. Lawyer Swaty Singh Malik says she has
handled many cases where the man has just given away crores to the wife to have
peace of mind. She said women can use children and the media to get back at the
husband and people will be sympathetic towards her. In not so extreme cases, a
couple does lose friends. During the course of a marriage, couples begin to
meet collectively. When a divorce happens friends choose sides and suddenly a
man’s social circle diminishes. For a man who is shy, reserved and has made
friends through his wife’s friends, he finds himself alone and friendless.
It’s not
easy for men to get a divorce. And even though they may not show it, they are
heartbroken and insecure too. Most men should know that there are support
groups who can help them in this difficult time. You must also reach out to
your family and friends and talk to them, instead of bottling up your emotions.
A good lawyer can also advise you on the correct steps to take. And most
importantly don’t shy away from seeing a counsellor in your city who can help
you deal with the issues at a core level.
*(names
changed to protect identity)
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