My Clingy Girlfriend Book Launch

What an amazing evening. Feel so blessed to have so many friends who came and supported me. The book is already rising in the best seller charts. Hard work and patience does pay off! 

My Views on #VogueEmpower Videos

First of all I want to say I’m all for women empowerment. I completely agree that it is a woman’s choice to get married, have a child, wear whatever she wants and choose her life and decisions.

Vogue’s empowerment campaigns though leave me a little confused.

For example the first video "Going Home" https://youtu.be/0EDJxs1yJrQ was of Alia Bhatt getting into a car full of male strangers and going home safely. 

I love Alia. But I don’t get the campaign. Yes we need to make our streets safe. But don’t we also need to teach our girls and women to be aware, be safe, be bold, be vigilant, be smart. 

Maybe that video should have been about Alia getting out, fixing her car, holding a wrench when a car full of men drives up and says, “Thanks but I got it covered.” And that should have ended with #Mychoice to be bold, my choice to be brave, my choice to change the world.

Vogue’s 2^nd empowerment video "Start With The Boys" https://youtu.be/0Nj99epLFqg was of men being told not to cry. "Ladke nahin rote hain." 

And then in the end we see a man hurting his wife/ partner and the very lovely Madhuri Dixit comes and says “Aadmi rulate bhi toh nahin hai.”

Huh?

What has that got to do the empowerment or have any relation? What did that video actually want to do? So men who don’t cry will hurt their wives? And men who do will be pansies? Whaaa?

In fact the video should have Madhuri Dixit saying, “It’s ok for men to cry. Take a woman’s support because we can give our shoulders to you too.”

Men should be sensitive. Men should cry. And women should understand that. Women should raise their sons to cry and feel and talk and discuss and that’s how you will have a generation of men who will express their feelings to their wives and girlfriends and never have misunderstandings! Yes they shouldn’t hurt women. But you’re not teaching that by this video.

So let’s come to Deepika’s video. https://youtu.be/KtPv7IEhWRA

Yes I know there are 99 women in it. But it’s her voice and Homi’s vision. So while my Whatsapp groups are having massive debates on how beautiful it is and how it is always a woman’s choice to live life her way I have a few issues with this video and script.

First of all what the hell does “my odour, your anarchy” mean? Or for that matter many other phrases. And what's with this photo of Deepika in boxing gloves with a man looking so pitiful? 
I know plenty of great men who give their partners unconditional support and love. And all it takes for the woman is to help them understand what they need instead of screaming "Mychoice at them. 
Also empowerment is not about making men succumb to your every whim and fancy and boxing them to make them understand your view point. 

Yes it is a woman’s choice as I’ve said in the beginning but let’s talk about EMPOWERMENT for a second.

How does 99 privileged women with hair flying across the screen with a voice over of bindi, odour, sex have anything to do with the common woman and her empowerment?

I would change the video in 4 ways:

1. Had a mix of languages that women across the country speak. We have 30 languages. Why only English?

2. Get a mix of ordinary women with just a few celebs from different careers like a Chanda Kochchar or Indra Nooyi who can say “Don’t judge me because I’ve worked hard to be here.”

3. Get men who also believe in empowerment. Not all men are horrible people who will rape, criticise, judge and slander women. Have men in the video saying, “I’m a feminist.” And “I believe all men and women are equal.” “I will protect you because we need to change the world together.”

4. Take everyday situations to depict how we need empowerment.

For example a woman driving a car who says “Don’t judge me because I am a woman driver.”

A woman employee who is wearing what she likes and says, “I don’t need to sleep my way to the top. I’m smart enough. Don’t judge me.”  

A housewife who says, “I don’t want to sleep with you tonight. I’m not having an affair! Don’t judge me.”

A girl who wants to give up her job and get married, “I believe in love and want to be a mother. Don’t judge me if I give up my job!”

A woman who is overweight and says, “I am a National Award winner. And you’re still judging me on my weight?”

A village woman who will say in her language with subtitle below, “I refuse to have more than one child. I am not barren. Don’t judge me.”

I believe in empowerment. I believe these are the voices that need to be heard from women AND men across the country. Speaking sentences that resonate. That make sense. That we can agree with. That will raise a debate on how we can change our thinking. And truly become empowered. 

My Clingy Girlfriend video!

Culture Machine has taken elements of my new novel My Clingy Girlfriend and made a video about how your girlfriends could be. It's exaggerated, caricatured and hilarious. Not all women are like this but we love all women!

Already gaining momentum online, it's the new Being Indian series that is going viral. With over 19,000 views in the 1st 12 hours of going viral and with over 3 lakh subscriptions, you don't want to miss it.

If you like the video you know you'll love the book too http://goo.gl/VwPjmN

Time for Good Sex

There is nothing like time bound good sex. Everything lies in the state of you and your partner’s mind. A great orgasm can happen in a few minutes or it could take hours and sometimes great sex could happen without an orgasm. But to truly enjoy sex here are the time frames you can explore.

5 Minute Sex: If a couple has been sexting to each other the whole day, flirting casually over Whatsapp or sending each other pictures or scenes of what they want to do to each other, as soon as one partner or both get home, it would take five minutes to have great sex. If you’re already put your partner in the frame of mind, then they’re half ready. If you haven’t had time to do all this through the day but want to have a quickie, another way is to arouse your partner through gentle kissing and then use a vibrator for her. It won’t take her long to cum and then you can as well. A five minute Quickie can also happen when there is danger involved. Someone walking in on you in a public space, or you need to get to a party and are already late. The excitement that is built up and the urgency of the situation if both of you are ready and willing will give you the five minute orgasm.

15 Minutes Sex – This is when you’re slightly intoxicated and already horny. You’ve been eyeing a girl at a party. She gives you the come hither looks. You have a scintillating conversation. Sparks fly. You take her to a secluded place and you can have fifteen minutes sex. You will still need some foreplay of kissing or feeling each other before the act. The whole thing would probably last only fifteen minutes as there’s not much thinking going in. Do remember to ask her if she had a good time later. Thank her! Make sure she doesn’t have any STD and you should always wear a condom. If you’re doing this with a partner at home, (and are intoxicated already) it’s an act of faster foreplay before the act.  

30-45 Minutes – Every couple must have this kind of sex. It’s a longer version but must be indulged in once a week at least to keep the relationship alive. It starts slowly from cuddling and kissing to more deeper passionate kissing, necking, feeling, licking, sucking, touching, caressing. It can involve scented candles or ice cubes, depending on whether the woman likes it hot or cold. You can give each other an oil massage. (Please use a lavender scented oil and not mustard or coconut. This is not a maalish! It’s a gentle arousing of the senses.) Once the longer foreplay is over you can do the main act. Please remember that sex is not the actual penetration or pounding away. It’s also the arousal, the foreplay and the afterwards that counts as the time taken. It’s all in the state of mind. From the moment you get your partner to start thinking it, to moving on to the next activity.

1-5 hours – Many people think this is an absurd amount of time to have sex but remember this can only be done when you take frequent breaks. This also doesn’t mean that you need to pound away for 45 minutes. It’s a myth that women like penetration for anything longer than 5-10 minutes! So if a man is boasting about it, he’s definitely not given an orgasm to the woman who might be just trying to keep him happy. When a couple has gone on a romantic vacation, taken an entire day to just relax in the hotel room, then you can have this kind of tantric sex. But it needs a bit of concentration. No going off to watch TV or chat with friends on Whatsapp. Start with some oil treatment for each other. Then you can have a bit of sex. Then go off for a hot bath, again have some sex, indulge in some foreplay and again have some sex, caress her hair and have some conversation or a bit of light food before you again have sex. Stay in robes. Do not wear clothes! The purpose is to have a sex vacation that doesn’t need any other activity. Most hotels also have honeymoon packages so you can ask them if there is a special room with a hidden balcony or a special terrace that you can go to. Experiment there as well. It’s the idea of just having sex that can be exciting enough. You can always come back to your room if you’re not into outdoor sex. If you’re tired, use a finger vibrator or a clit simulator to have sex with your woman. You can even use different toys if you’re alone and planning to have sex for a few hours. Always be in the state of mind and it can last hours with multiple orgasms.

Cautionary Measures:

1. Always wear a condom if it’s with someone new or if you or your partner have an bacterial infection. The infection can go back and forth.

2. Don’t have any body odour or bad breath. Take a shower before you hit the party. Don’t have an overwhelming smell about you. Women DO NOT like a man who has sprayed too much cologne and perfume. They can’t breathe during sex then.

3. If you smoke, remember to carry gum so you don’t have smoker’s breath that can turn women off. If your partner smokes, then it’s fine.

4. Don’t use the vibrator with every encounter. Keep it for every third or fourth time you have sex with your woman. If she starts depending on it, it can get dangerous for you.

5. Ensure the woman has a good time and it’s not only you who has had an orgasm. She will curse you and feel terrible if you’ve only “used” her. So be considerate and a True Gentleman. That’s what makes for Great Sex. A mutual admiration of each other.

50 Shades of Vermilion: 1.Shraddha

I think that Indian women are far more courageous, erotic and sensuous than anyone in the world. So I'm writing a 50 Shades of Indian Women. 50 erotic stories of Indian women told in different ways!

My first story came from a WhatsApp chat I was having with a friend of mine who stays in London. He told me a story about one extremely smart, beautiful Indian woman.

I’m going to keep his words exactly as he wrote it in the WhatsApp chat instead of putting it in a female tone or style that I have in my Scandalous Housewives. I love his writing and I think this is a completely new way of telling a story. Not a prose, not a poem, but a chat! 

I hope you’ll like the story and style too! 

Let’s call her Shraddha.

Dumped by boyfriend just before he went to the U.S. for a masters. I was her friend with benefits for a few years. She rang me saying she needed to escape from India for a couple of weeks. So she came to me in London.
She was hurting. Nothing happened. We just went on long drives. Sat by the ocean. Took a steam train ride. She slept in another room. I was totally cool with that.
End of first week as we stood by glorious Windsor castle in the dying sunlight, she kissed me. Thank you for giving me this. Just a short kiss on the lips. Nice.
That night we had dinner and showered and cuddled in front of the TV.
She said she wanted me to read to her as she went to sleep. So we got into bed and I was reading to her as she nuzzled. Cute.
We feel asleep entangled.
She woke me up at 5 am. Such a special time. Sun just coming up. Birds stirring. Everything else quiet.
Everything bathed in liquid blue. Crystal clear.
We had explosive sex. She was angry and hungry and uninhibited. It didn't matter.
We fucked on the bed. Then rolled into the floor. I lifted her and we fucked standing up. In front of the mirror. She kept digging into me. Pushing back till she had every inch buried deep in her. When we were done we were both exhausted and happy and serene.
Over breakfast she told me how she loved my Writing. How she had been seduced by it. How she slept with me all those years because she wanted to be part of my soul. I took it as a compliment. Humbled.
Then she asked me if I would make one more fantasy come true. I said what.
She wanted to be devoured. By two men. At the same time. I was quite startled at first. Weird but I was. Also where do I find a man. I couldn't just ask a friend to do me a favour. And there wasn't time to invite her to meet my mates to see which one she fancied. No guarantees they would be up for it either. So I said i would see but didn't think I could do much.
That week she was going up to Edinburgh. While I went back to work. I bought her a pack of condoms just in case and she thanked me.
We had sex. Then she packed and I put her on the train for her final week of adventure before she headed back to the real world.
I went to Edinburgh as a surprise during the week. And arranged to go with her to a very sophisticated sex party
An orgy for the rich and famous. Very discreet. Very clean. Very safe and respectful. But very naughty.
I just watched. I am not into that kind of thing. Or at least was not that day. But let's just say she got what she wanted. Low lit room. Clean and stylish. Turkish theme. Lots of beautiful men and women in practically nothing. All very civilised at first. Drinks. Laughter. Food. She stayed close taking it all in at first. But you could tell she was feeling safe confident and getting turned on. Men making bee line for her. Indian dusky women are exotic. She is beautiful. Short. But beautiful full breasts. Small waist. Lovely legs. Men wondering if I would mind. I smiled at her.  I enjoyed watching her give and take. Friday night went into Saturday morning. We left in the afternoon.
Today she is married to some nice Banker in Mumbai. Happy. Normal.
I like that. I like how she healed herself. Sex does that. But you need friends…

If you like this read more in the book Scandalous Housewives http://goo.gl/VUCLNr

How to Get Rid of a Clingy Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I wrote this piece in the Feb issue of Maxim magazine in lieu of my latest book launch My Clingy Girlfriend. This blog and the book is not meant to offend anyone or provide unhappiness to any relationship. 

Most men have had a clingy girlfriend. They’re the ones who keep checking who you’re talking to on WhatsApp, they keep asking what you’re thinking, why you don’t give them your Facebook password, when will you get married and what your babies’ names shall be. All within the first month of knowing you. So if you know you need to break up, here are a few tips to do so.

1. Empty Threats – You can’t say we need to break up and the next night sleep with your girlfriend. You can’t give her mixed signals. Then they’re just empty threats that are not going to make her go away at all. You need to say you don’t think this relationship is working out and stick to it. Keep saying that you’ve broken up. Don’t show emotion, don’t care if she cries, don’t say we’ll figure it out. Clingy Girlfriends will use all their power to keep you in their life. Understand she’s first going to try to scare you, control you and then destroy you. You must stay strong!

2. Slob Attack – Women like changing and moulding men. They like to see a man well groomed. So you need to do the opposite. You must not bathe, shave, wear deo or clean any part of you living area. Do not let her “mould” you. When you do bathe, or shave use all of her expensive bath products and make sure she realises they’re over! Then leave your wet towel on the bed and leave the house.

3. Be Sickening! – You’ve been saving your sick leave for a sick day but here is a chance to actually stay at home and show what a pain in the house you can be. If you have a live in girlfriend, get in the way of what she does at home and thoroughly enjoy yourself in your house. Fire the maid. Ask her to clean the dishes. Watch TV the entire day. Play on your X-Box. Talk to your female friends loudly so she can hear. Do it for a few days till she kicks you out. You must have told her you’ve broken up with her before you do this and maintain that you’re single and she’s still staying with you while you do this. Or you’ll be in trouble!

4. Girlfriends Disapproval – Once a woman has told her girlfriends about you and they approve they will always keep pushing her to get back together with you. So you need to un-do this approval. You need to call her friends and start flirting with them. If you meet them you must try to ask them for a date saying now that you’re broken up with Ms. Clingy, you’re free to date her friends. If she is meeting her friends, you should go and barge in on their party and flirt with the friends, make lewd masochist remarks and pick up an order and leave. Let them pay your bill. Women hate that!

5. Family Circus – A clingy girlfriend is smart. She will use the help of your family to get your relationship back on track. If you don’t want your mother, cousin or well-wishing relative to call and say what a beautiful `jodi’ you two make, you need to let them in on it. Let your family know what she’s been doing and why you need to break up. Otherwise they’ll take her side. Ask them for their advice on how to break up. Once they feel they’re helping you no matter what she calls to tell them, they’ll not relent.

6. Off the Beaten Path – Sometimes you need to act strangely and pull away in different ways to make your girlfriend realise she’s not important. Become a “sadhu” for some time. Enrol in philosophical classes, take solo trips to ashrams, and wear loose fitting white clothing. Say phrases like there’s only God in this world and I renounce myself to Him. I shall not have a family life anymore. If she asks what happens to her, you can reply – You’ve found your true calling and it has nothing to do with this materialistic world. However you still need to work to pay the bills.

7. Keep Proof – Clingy girlfriends can use every psychotic trick in the book to keep you in their life. From telling you they’re pregnant with your child to cutting themselves and writing letter to you in their blood. Don’t freak out. Don’t feel guilty and never take the woman back. Instead send her the names of some well-known psychiatrists and take all this proof to a police station to get a restraining order. Keep the police and your family involved and aware of her so that later it won’t surprise you if she takes legal action.

8. Block, Delete – If you can’t move your city to get away from her because truly that’s the best way, you need to change your passwords on your computer, laptop and any social media sites that she may have had access to. For God’s sake don’t change it to her name or date of birth! Unfriend and remove the people common in your life if you have to. So they won’t spy on you. Stop going to the same parties and the same events both of you hung out at. She’ll be there hoping to rekindle the romance. Change the locks if she was a live in. Crash at a friend’s place. Avoid her. Then delete her.

9. Relapse, repeat – It’s ok if you’re single for some time. It’s ok if you’re lonely. You don’t want to go back to the same person again or the same type of person. You need to also do some introspection or actually speak to a counsellor on why this relationship happened and how you don’t make those choices again.

10. Stop Feeling Guilty – She might use phrases like what would your friends think, is this how you treat women? Is this how you’ve been brought up? She’ll use your core values and demean you. Don’t fall for it. You might be a great guy and it’s not your fault you fell in love with a clingy woman. Don’t doubt yourself. Focus on her as the problem and not you. 

If you think this is tongue in cheek, order the book here: http://goo.gl/cct76A   

A Salute to Men on Women's Day

On Women's Day I'd like to salute the men who have stood by women all their life.
The fathers, grandfathers, sons, boyfriends, friends, lovers, and the random men who have helped women with small things along the way.

The men who are trying to understand what women want and need and support them. The men who say Go, Be, Do, Achieve, Love, Cry, Fail, Succeed, Try and I'll be there for you no matter what.

For the bosses who treat the women in their team as equals, for the man on the street who is chivalrous and not lecherous, for the man who doesn't blink twice about women refusing to be mothers and wanting to be achievers, for the father who treats both a girl and boy child as the same, let us thank them.

Let me salute the men who are feminists, who are appalled that women have to fight for equal rights because they believe it should be as natural as gravity. Let me praise the man who doesn't need his wife to be home to cook or entertain but is proud she is out working and exploring. Let me honour the man who doesn't believe it's his right  to be given what he wants by a woman simply because he does `so much' as well.

Thank you to those men who respect women no matter what. And lucky are those women to have these men in their life.

Happy Women's Day to all of you who make this world brighter, safer and happier for the future generation. #WomensDay