Losing My Virginity And Other Dumb Ideas in Harper's Bazaar



Harper's Bazaar June 2012

http://wonderwoman.intoday.in/story/its-a-womans-world/1/100551.html

A female scholar once said, "I already know what men think. I'm more interested in reading books by women." It is perhaps keeping this in mind that today's broad literary canvas is exploring a plethora of subjects that deal with the issues of the modern Indian woman. From interpersonal, romantic, and familial issues and personal life journeys, to themes concerning careers and marital and sexual woes, subjects that were earlier relegated to lower shelves are now steadily making it to the bestseller lists. All cosmopolitan stories set in the Indian context and written in a tone that's fun and breezy, these works of fiction point towards a rising audience interest in several issues that pervade society.

Even more striking is the fact that the authors are all mostly first-timers. Though these writers may not be charting new territory per se, they are certainly emphasising the difference in the way women today experience the world. Losing My Virginity and Other Dumb Ideas (Penguin India) by debutante Madhuri Banerjee delves into the debate of lust vs. love. A light read, the book taps into the fears of young women who find themselves without partners and are pressurised into matches for the sake of convention. "I relate to Kaveri, the protagonist, because she really sets out to find herself in the unknown, even as forces bigger than herself try to mould her," says Banerjee on what makes her protagonist appealing to today's women. Coupled with an empathetic tone, it becomes clear how the book has become a new bestseller.

Love Guru Advice: Not in the mood for love.

Dear Love Guru,

I’ve been married for a few years and have one child. My husband wants to get intimate with me but I’m just not in the mood anymore. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Vandana

Dear Vandana,

Intimacy is one of the most important things in a happy marriage. But if you don’t connect mentally, you can’t connect physically. Try a few things. First, bring the romance back into your relationship. Spend a few evenings going out for a romantic dinner where both of you talk about yourselves. Leave the child at home with a responsible adult. You need to start connecting with your husband again. Talk about yourself, your dreams, his plans and the special memories when you liked being intimate. It might stir a few feelings. Begin slowly. Touch each other’s hands and enjoy cuddling. Gradually increase the contact. Make sure you tell your husband that you are trying and need time. Don’t give up if he is impatient. Second, you should try to indulge yourself. Go shopping for some racy lingerie, a new dress, and get a relaxing massage. Do things that will make you feel sexy again. If you were adventurous before you had your child, do something that made you feel “alive” before pregnancy. Invest in yourself. You deserve some pampering. Lastly, don’t be afraid. Conquer the mental fear. Get lubricants and take it slowly. Your husband loves you and wants to bond only with you. Tell him how to help you. You’ll do great!

http://www.deccanchronicle.com/channels/lifestyle/relationship/you-deserve-pampering-980

Love Guru Advice: Younger Man - Older Woman Relationship

Dear Love Guru

I'm in love with a man 10 years younger to me. All my friends mock me and say it won’t last. But I feel so happy with him. Should I give him up to save face with family and friends?

Yours
Shibani

Dear Shibani,

Even though women are independent and self sufficient, we are all looking for a person who can understand us and share a part of our lives. When a person comes along and he “gets” us, we hardly care if he is younger, older, thinner, poorer, and famous or not. We bask in the glory of Love. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what people say as long as you are happy. Those people may have done what they think is right for society and may even be extremely miserable in their lives. Who’s to say a younger man can’t give you intellectual stimulation, spiritual growth or be plain fantastic in bed and make you terribly ecstatic? You don’t need to justify it but if you want, you can say, “I get 100% satisfaction in my relationship. How much do you get?” Be aware though that maybe there will come a time when he wants a family and you might not. Currently he is nurturing your soul and you don’t need anything else. When both of you start wanting more, age will play a role. Communicate your wants, desires, fears and grow with each other constantly. Nothing should stop both of you from being together forever. Don’t listen to people. Listen to your heart.

http://www.deccanchronicle.com/tabloid/others/%E2%80%98listen-your-heart%E2%80%99-365

Indoor Activities that kept my 4 yr old busy!

I have a 4 year old child who has endless energy. It's not easy to keep her entertained. And buying toys is extremely expensive. So I thought of 30 different ways to keep her occupied for some time so she wouldn't sit in front of the Tv.
With certain games I reward her with some strawberry ice cream. And with others the crafts she makes is a reward in itself.
All these activites are indoor ideas. I firmly believe that free play outside for many hours is the best activity for a child. But with monsoons on the way parents shouldn't fret about what to do with their kids inside. Here are a few things I did with my child. Hope a few ideas work for you too.

My 30-Day Special Planner:

Activities with Ariaana:

1.       Collage – take old photos and put them together on a large black chart paper. Ariaana’s Family & Friends

2.       Take 2 white chart papers, stick them together and draw out her outline. Trace out her skirt and shirt and tell her to colour it in with paint.

3.       Stencil – colour in a stencil. You can get these from the Hobby Store.

4.       Food colours – chop up bhindi, aloo, pyaz, and a few more vegetables and dip them in pain and make a painting using imagination with different fruits and vegetables. You only need to use a slice of it and not the whole vegetable.

5.       Styrofoam cups – Give her Styrofoam cups, paint and a few brushes. She’ll colour them in the way she wants.

6.       Puzzles – make new puzzles with her taking a picture she likes of a cartoon or family. Stick it on a thermocol and cut them into pieces for her to put back together. Fun to make and fun to put together.

7.       Cutting photos from magazines and sticking them with scotch tape on a chart paper. Make a story out of it or general things she likes. Let her cut with a child friendly scissor and not adult scissor. They have blunt ends.

8.       Doll house – find things from the house to make a doll house. Make a small tent for her with pillows and tell her to find things from the house that she will need including kitchen utensils, cushions, sheets, towels etc. This way she figures out where things are kept in the house.

9.       Print out a colouring page from www.pbskids.org and give her a new box of crayons to colour with.

10.   Make a mask – Cut out a round shape from a paper or take a paper plate. Cut out two holes for the eyes. Tell her to colour in a mask they way she wants. Attach a rubber band with staples at the back and make a mask she has made for herself.

11.   Maths games – Take a large piece of chart paper and write the numbers 1 -50 in rows and columns. Then play “Mama says/ nanu says” with a piece of object. So you give her things to put on numbers you say. Like – Put a glass on the number 9. Put a glass on the number 29.

12.   Vegetables and fruits – Shopping day. Take her shopping for fruits and vegetables and come home and cook that vegetable with her. So “lets make it a red day.” red fruit – red vegetable – red juice – pomegranate – bell pepper – tomato juice. Etc. Do the same with different colours.

13.   Fabric painting – get a plain shirt her size from a cheapie place. Get some fabric paints and stencils. Make an outline of a cartoon and let her paint inside and tehn she can wear the shirt

14.   Sidewalk chalk – many hours of this on the sidewalk colouring and painting in according to design

15.   Making granitas – In a bowl let her put some orange juice/ juice + sugar + one lemon ka juice and heat it up. Mix it and put it on an ice tray. Once frozen, crush them in a blender and scrape out in a small glass for her to have slowly. Not too much bcos she’ll catch a cold.

16.   Dance – Her fav playlist.

17.   Treasure hunt – hide small éclairs in different parts of the house and do a treasure hunt with her giving her clues.

18.   Make movies – record movies of dancing or singing and them play them back for her. Also record things that she likes on a walk and play them back once you come home.

19.   Nature walk around a park or lake – Pick things from the park or lake and click photos of different things that she can identify once you come home. Repeat it the next day after showing her what you need to spot with her. Try it with a letter – everything that is “green” – spot it.

20.   Pasta maker – get 2-3 different bags of pasta – example – fussili, penne, macaroni. Put them in 3 different dishes and put some food colouring in each dish. So you have red, blue and green. Then give her some glue and paper and tell her to stick different coloured pasta on the paper making a new design. If you don’t have food colouring, you can do this with different types of chola, rajma, lobia, and other coloured things around the kitchen.

21.   Puppets - Print out a few characters from a few of her favourite films Madagascar, Toy Story etc. Cut out the character and paste it on a orange bar type stick with a little hanging out. Tell her to colour or play with her puppets making up a story.

22.   Face painting – Give her makeup and ask her to paint her face as if she’s going for a party, as a pirate, as her fav cartoon character.

23.   Building blocks and lego – She has a princess lego and some other blocks. She can combine things to make new designs.

24.   Kitchen Set – Give her a water bottle half full and let her make things with her bartan set and vegetable set.

25.   Gardening – Give her a scooper and a bucket (She has a beach bucket) Let her play in the grass/mud putting seeds into the soil and watering the plant. It’s a little messy but tell her different types of flowers  etc while gardening with her. Make sure she wears a hat if she’s doing this in the sun with lots of sun block.

26.   Hand painting – chart paper, different colours and she can use her fingers to make a painting.

27.   Ribbons – give her a ribbon with some scotch tape and tell her to tape it onto thins that are easy to find around the house. “Tape it on a red cushion.” “Tape it on the fridge” “tape it on the tv.” “Tape the ribbon to the washing machine.” Shoes, mirror, computer, toaster, main door, toilet seat,etc. Do it with objects, colours – something green, etc.

28.   Window painting – washable paints and let her paint a window.

29.   Cardboard box – Multiple uses of a cardboard box – painting, making it into a vehicle where she sits and with some rope is dragged by another friend, becomes a tent, etc.

30.   Reading a book. – Simple. Always.

How Not to Get Senti in Summer Flings

It’s summertime! Vacations mean meeting new people and falling in love. But summer romances are named so for a reason. It’s because they’re supposed to last only a season. Vacation flings must end and here are a few ways you can make sure you’re not overly sentimental about who you think is “The One”.

1.       Don’t Plan a Future – Saying things like “I love you, let’s get married” are complete no-nos for a summer fling. But if you’re nowhere close to that, even slight hints of staying in touch, getting together later, trying to make it long lasting will make you look needy.

2.        Don’t Have Romantic Dates – You’re bound to say something stupid when you’re watching “French Kiss” with your date. Rom – com movies are off the table. If you have to watch films, make it a new superhero thriller. In fact, go on an adventure sport date. But don’t make it a life or death experience. If the adrenaline is too much it could lead to making a commitment you can’t get out of!

3.       Don’t Play the Games – Wooing, refraining, sulking, calling, stalking. The game that’s played to get the girl or guy permanently cannot be played. You like someone, say “I have two weeks in this place. Wanna have some fun?” Keep it straight, safe, and simple if they agree.

4.       Be Yourself – If you have gas, don’t hold back. If you hate alcohol don’t pretend to be cool. We are always on our best behavior in the beginning because we want that person to see our best side. Who cares? If that person walks away, there are other people in the hotel to impress.

5.       Split the costs – Ask her out, take him water skiing but make sure both of you split the costs for all these activities. That way you’re having fun for yourself. And pretty soon you’ll be broke and start thinking about returning to work and earning it again. Voila, no mushy thoughts!

http://www.hindustantimes.com/Entertainment/SexAndRelationships/How-not-to-get-mawkish-in-a-summer-ramance/Article1-865144.aspx

Why Relationships are breaking up so fast!

“We broke up.”

The one line that everyone has said in their life or has heard at least once in their lifetime. A couple breaking up is no longer a shocking incident. What is shocking is the rate at which it is happening. Divorce rates are high. Couples in the 25-35 age group accounted for 70 per cent of the cases, and 85 per cent of them were filed in the first three years of marriage.

So what goes wrong? Why do things start to crumble? I have one theory.

Suppose all relationships are the same, love or arranged, long distance or living together, etc. Suppose it’s been the same since the cave man came home with the food and presumed his wife would cook it for him. Suppose I say that the relationship from the time of the 50s when the man was supposed to go to work and the woman was supposed to be at home looking after the house and the children is the presumption that is still prevalent today. A basic primitive state still exists. There has been no evolution in relationships at all!!

The basic state of a relationship is that of a Provider and Nurturer.

A provider is one who is economically stronger. He or she (and I will continue with the `he’ for now since it is predominant in our society but not absolute) is the one who is giving the money in the house for the food, clothes, education and shelter. Basics. He feels these are the major part of life and he has done his “duty” to the woman. A modern woman however needs more. She needs love, understanding, and intellectual stimulation and wants to feel she is growing as an individual in the relationship as well. If a woman is working, she is able to provide the basics for herself. Therefore, what she needs from the man is the “nurturing.”

Why was it simpler in the earlier times? It was because there was no dichotomy of this provider- nurturer equation. Men gave money. Women went to other women to gossip, sew sweaters, and exchange their feelings. Also by being the Provider, the man did not need to “fulfill” the roles of the nurturer. He had done his job. He didn’t need to give any more. He didn’t need to understand the emotions of a woman, why she was upset, or why she needed to sit and talk for hours about no problem but life in general. These things were just not done between men and women. Each had their role and they had the authority to make those decisions on that – Women with a house. Man with his job. This can be seen in many shows of the times. Wonder Years comes to mind.

Today, a few working women are happy to have a man who can give them a big sea facing house in a posh locality and have less of the nurturing required. It becomes an 80-20 ratio. And that man can give that 20% and the relationship is stable. Some require a man to give less of the nicer things of life and require more of the other aspects. This can also have a happy relationship if the two people find a balance of the give and take. Each couple needs to find the balance in this state. How much each wants and how much one is willing to give.

Men will say that they cannot understand what women want. However, they do understand it. They understand it so perfectly that they have displayed their skill in it in the wooing phase. When the “hunting” phase is on, their charm is turned on from not only sitting and talking for hours with a woman but getting her so completely that she feels that he is the “one” who gives her both the provider-nurturer that she’s been looking for. He can charm her with his knowledge, of TV, books, music, films, or whatever she is interested in. Hence, he has shown that he can be the nurturer. Eventually he decides how much of that he wants to continue with since he has also slipped into the role of the provider for her.

Many relationships have seen this in different disguises. Rich men, ambitious women. Powerful bosses, young female corporate climbers, wealthy industrialists – young actresses. The provider- nurturer relationship continues.

I see many women having insecurity about money. Somewhere it has been ingrained in most women that more money is always good. It doesn’t matter how much you earn, how much you will need will never be known. In addition, what if one day you have a child, and don’t want to work, if the money dwindles from your account then at least you have the man’s. If something happens to you, you have a person looking after your financial needs.

The problem comes when the women not only want the funds to run a house, enjoy a lifestyle and feel independent; they suddenly want the nurturing quality from the men as well. The man then says, “But I give you whatever you need. What more do you want?”

Woman, “You don’t understand. I don’t want all this. I just want you.”

Man, “You have me. Now leave me alone!”

Woman goes off fretting and fuming about how the man has changed from what she thought he was and the man sits and sulks about how she is continuously needy.

Is there a solution. Yes. You can communicate the percentage of the providing – nurturing you need, that you’re willing to give and then figure out how to manage the rest on your own. Expectations will then need to find a balance.

One way is if a woman clearly defines that she DOES NOT need a man to give her any of the provider elements but only the nurturer elements it could make it easier to understand it. This is difficult sometimes for a man to comprehend because he presumes in the end she will want the “same thing as all other women” – marriage, house, children, and dinners. Everything that costs money for which he will have to pay. Therefore, a woman might need to continuously say that it’s not the case and mean it.

The second alternative is for the woman to realize that the Provider –Nurturer relationship is here to stay. If you want the fine things that money can buy, maybe you’ll have a hard working man who can give that to you. Then he will need space and won’t have as much time or bandwidth to discuss your needs and quote Shakespeare. Make peace with it. Women are the ones who have started initiating divorces. They feel unfulfilled. They feel that there could be better out there. I am sure there can be. First look at the current relationship and see if you can change the percentage to become more of the provider and then ask him to be more of a nurturer.

It is easy to give up on love. Men throw up your hands and say, “Well if I don’t make you happy I think you should seek love somewhere else.” That is not the answer. Communication of that provider-nurturer percentage is the answer. And putting the conversation to work is the solution.

Give until you can. Understand each other. Never give up easily. Get out of the relationship only when you know the equation is not working anymore despite trying everything you have.

This theory does not apply to marriages where there are alcoholics, drug users, wife beaters, dowry seekers, and general evilness that a woman should never be subjected to. Then she should immediately take external help and leave. There are better men who will give the women what they need.

Child Sexual Abuse : A video & 15 Tips for Parents

Child Sexual Abuse is a grave matter. Being a parent myself, I find that my one mission in life is to save my child from pedophiles. While all parents understand this, they may not know what to do about it. Aamir Khan the actor had an episode on his new show Satyamev Jayate on this subject. With this telecast many parents and children became aware of the dangers of child sexual abuse. Hopefully a law will come out to punish the perpetrators and parents will become more protective.

I can sincerely pray that no child is subjected to such torture ever. In the meantime, all I can do is make a video to support the cause, spread awareness and speak as much as I can to all parents about it. The link is given below. (It was done on skype so pl excuse any bad lighting.)

There is far more than I can comprehend about this subject but the basics are the following:

Things that parents can do:

1.       Be vigilant. Try not to leave kids alone with 1 person, no matter how close he or she is. Not at home, not on a vacation. Never.

2.       Do not insist that the kid hugs or kisses an elder even if the elder has given a present to the child. A simple “Thank you” from the child should suffice as good manners.

3.       Explain to the child that while it’s ok to respect elders, it needs to be earned. They don’t need to “obey” everyone or “be nice” to people.

4.       Explain the concept of strangers. They are not allowed to talk to or take candy from strangers. They are not allowed to go off without telling you.

5.       Trust the child. They came from you. They have your genes. You need to love them first.

6.       Explain to them about the bad touch and bad looks from people. Do this every few months. Teach the names of the body parts.

7.       Teach them to defend themselves. Scream if scared. Hit if angry. It’s ok to do so on an elder who has touched the body part.

8.       Create a bond. Be their friend. Tell them to tell you everything. Talk to them on a daily basis about people they like and don’t like. Ask them why.

9.       Check the school, play ground and day care regularly. Get to know the people interacting with your child. Don’t blindly trust anyone.

10.   If a child is in his pre-teens or teens, explain the concept of rape, date drugs, HIV, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Tell him not to be fooled by anyone’s advances.

11.   Do not post pictures on any social networking sites of your child with no clothes on. The internet is a dangerous place and the first place predators look. Do not put location next to the picture either!

12.   If such a thing has occurred, do not panic. Eliminate the person from both your lives immediately. Do this in front of the child if possible. Say to the person, “You are no longer welcome here. Come near my child again and I will file a report against you.” Then take the child to a counselor and go for collective sessions.

13.   Don’t leave the child alone to manage or handle it by herself/himself. Make sure you’re there most of the time for them.

14.   Give him time to heal. Give yourself time as well. Don’t beat yourself  as well. Be proactive in solving it.

15.   Make sure you give enough love to the child and not make them feel bad if anything has happened. Remind them that they’re “not bad people” and it’s not their fault. Be supportive.

The video of me talking about a few of the pointers above:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLpcCZhzQhM